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Autistic wife

Mic

Hi everybody, my name is Mic and this is my first post here. After months of struggle searching for some support I finally took courage to write here.

My wife has undiagnosed Aspergers syndrome combined with ADHD, chronic stress, and a diagnosed eating disorder. The main struggle is, although she performs great in her areas (IT, sports), she often misinterprets the social reality for the very worst option it may be understood at. This misinterpretation leads to hell-reminding atmosphere that lasts long. Like you ask what is the time, she would interpret it as I am telling her "you are always being late" even if it was not at all meant like that. You just ask about the time. She goes to meltdown (can physically hurt herself e.g. breaking the glass in her hand) and it takes up to three days (I am not exaggerating) before she recovers. Those are three days of an unbelievable hell for me, please believe. In the middle ages, they would think she is possessed by devil (I don`t want to justify that, just want to illustrate how hard it is). Even though I am physically quite a big man, I feel absolutely at the end of my power. My body, formerly very fit and athletic, starts to break down.

We have a lovely little boy who is the main reason that keeps me alive.

I have read a lot on autism, I have listened many podcasts, audiobooks, etc. Believe me, I devoted a pretty much time to understand. Now I believe I understand quite well what it is about.

To understand, however, does not mean to be able to cope with.

I struggle to find a therapist. Most of them are specialised on parental (not partner) support. It seems to me as if autism was only a child condition that disappears in adulthood.
Moreover, the vast majority of autist parent stories I found to have some  reference is about a woman having an autistic husband.

Am I the only male to have an autistic wife? Or the only one that openly struggles because of that? Has any of you experienced a similar struggle finding some support? What are the things I can do in order NOT to understand better, but to learn to cope with?  

Parents

  • Oh God! As your wife finds answers, so will you. Sounds like she doesn't have a proper diagnosis yet. Let me just say I identify both with where she is and you are. 

    Meanwhile you need some support and it is unlikely you will find that via the NHS. You may need someone who is NT and yet ND informed. 

    You are right now doing all you can with your reading. That will help going forward. But main thing is now, your wife needs an assessment to understand herself  ....all other answers will follow.

Reply

  • Oh God! As your wife finds answers, so will you. Sounds like she doesn't have a proper diagnosis yet. Let me just say I identify both with where she is and you are. 

    Meanwhile you need some support and it is unlikely you will find that via the NHS. You may need someone who is NT and yet ND informed. 

    You are right now doing all you can with your reading. That will help going forward. But main thing is now, your wife needs an assessment to understand herself  ....all other answers will follow.

Children
  • in reply to Dawn

    Hi Dawn, thank you. I absolutely agree with you - a proper diagnosis would be required. I myself have already discussed my wife`s condition with autism specialist who confirmed the autism hypothesis is possible and strongly recommended proper diagnosis. Yet in my country, the waiting list for such a diagnosis is 2 years long. And that is not the worst. My wife rejects the hypothesis and is absolutely unwilling to do any steps in this direction. I blame myself for telling her wrong way, but I am no specialist to tell a person he/she might be autistic. I got no instruction to do that. As a result, she just gets annoyed whenever some of her autistic traits might support the hypothesis. In any case, to an autistic counsellor she would not go. I am absolutely lost, helpless, reading, listening, I consulted two specialists from the National centre of autism, everybody says get a diagnosis and find a counsellor. She does not want a diagnosis and there are only few counsellors with proper experience - I have talked to some but with all respect to their work I think I have already gained much more knowledge on the topic then they do. There are some recommended, but overbooked. Guess I need to keep searching, maybe across the border of my country. Which is btw. the reason why I joined the discussion here.