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Autistic wife

Mic

Hi everybody, my name is Mic and this is my first post here. After months of struggle searching for some support I finally took courage to write here.

My wife has undiagnosed Aspergers syndrome combined with ADHD, chronic stress, and a diagnosed eating disorder. The main struggle is, although she performs great in her areas (IT, sports), she often misinterprets the social reality for the very worst option it may be understood at. This misinterpretation leads to hell-reminding atmosphere that lasts long. Like you ask what is the time, she would interpret it as I am telling her "you are always being late" even if it was not at all meant like that. You just ask about the time. She goes to meltdown (can physically hurt herself e.g. breaking the glass in her hand) and it takes up to three days (I am not exaggerating) before she recovers. Those are three days of an unbelievable hell for me, please believe. In the middle ages, they would think she is possessed by devil (I don`t want to justify that, just want to illustrate how hard it is). Even though I am physically quite a big man, I feel absolutely at the end of my power. My body, formerly very fit and athletic, starts to break down.

We have a lovely little boy who is the main reason that keeps me alive.

I have read a lot on autism, I have listened many podcasts, audiobooks, etc. Believe me, I devoted a pretty much time to understand. Now I believe I understand quite well what it is about.

To understand, however, does not mean to be able to cope with.

I struggle to find a therapist. Most of them are specialised on parental (not partner) support. It seems to me as if autism was only a child condition that disappears in adulthood.
Moreover, the vast majority of autist parent stories I found to have some  reference is about a woman having an autistic husband.

Am I the only male to have an autistic wife? Or the only one that openly struggles because of that? Has any of you experienced a similar struggle finding some support? What are the things I can do in order NOT to understand better, but to learn to cope with?  

Parents

  • Before I continue, I am saying this as an autistic female... As you have clearly done a lot of research, you will know that it's not uncommon for people on the spectrum to misinterpret things, be over-sensitive, overreact, etc.

    You are definitely not the only NT man to have an autistic wife, and to be struggling, even though it might seem that way to you.

    If it's a financially viable option, do you think your wife would be open to the idea of relationship counselling? - Ideally with a relationship counsellor that has an understanding of autism. Based on what you have said, it would seem the issue you're having revolves around communication. Maybe a relationship counsellor could assist in helping to bridge that gap.

Reply

  • Before I continue, I am saying this as an autistic female... As you have clearly done a lot of research, you will know that it's not uncommon for people on the spectrum to misinterpret things, be over-sensitive, overreact, etc.

    You are definitely not the only NT man to have an autistic wife, and to be struggling, even though it might seem that way to you.

    If it's a financially viable option, do you think your wife would be open to the idea of relationship counselling? - Ideally with a relationship counsellor that has an understanding of autism. Based on what you have said, it would seem the issue you're having revolves around communication. Maybe a relationship counsellor could assist in helping to bridge that gap.

Children
  • in reply to Sporadic Sparkly

    Hi Sparky, and thanks for your response. I totally agree with you but honestly I am giving up a search for a relationship counsellor with understanding of autism. I have been trying to find one for the last 8 months. All I find are those saying "sure I understand autism, was part of my studies after all" but at the end of the day they search for "alternative hypothesis" such as trauma in childhood. Those counscellors who are profiled as autism-specialists are overbooked for the next 2 years unfortunately. I should have said, I am living in a small non-english speaking country, where the number of good counsellors is limited. Perhaps I need to search for those services online. Yes, I know it is not uncommon to overreact, be oversensitive, misinterpret. But you know, it is not that the NTs (I am not even sure I would call myself that, according to me everyone has "some" condition) are always calm open and able to cope with. I am also very tired, sick, taking care of child. Even though I have heard or read how to cope in those situations, often I just do not manage to.