Difficulties with socialising

Sorry to hear you are feeling that way, hopefully you will find that on here we are quite supportive (there are a few who aren't but you will soon spot them).  Just keep chatting on here I'm sure you will find some friends, I'm on here if you ever need a chat.

May I add that I know many allistics who also have the double empathy problem? Cognitive empathy is not that developed in our society as one might think and some allistic people have little emotional empathy. Socializing would be so much easier if it were not so.

Thank you so much for sharing this link.  It makes perfect sense and a loud YES! NTs need to start adjusting to us as much as we adjust to them. xx

I enjoy art, I make things from polymer clay, but I've been unwell of late and cannot hold the clay like I used to.  I'm having to adapt to a new way of life while I wait for a Rheumatologist to figure out what is wrong with me, in the meantime, all I can do is study (to keep my mind occupied), watch YouTube or read forums like this...

I have, however, just signed up to a social wellbeing club; but I am used to socialising with high achieving people in my role, but since I am off work, I no longer have that resource.  So, it's very frustrating at present and I feel very isolated - I need to find MY people.

BW xx

I LOVE your reply and is packed full of helpful tips, so I will take it and use it, if I may?

Hi

Unfortunately it is so for many of us, and we despair, I did so too. But I'm just to stubborn to give up, you could try it too. Though more acurate would be to say iron-willed. I get anxious, and sad, and depressed and ruminate over bad things, spending endless nights doing it. But at the same time I do not give up.

It takes many years for many of us to make first friend, or find a partner, it's not uncommon to never happen, so one must prepare for such a future unfortunately. It's only logical. I met my first friend when I was 28y.o. I've got 3 now at 43y.o. and that's maksimum I can cope with. Friendship requires nurturing, and since they are neurotypical it's often going out to socialise.

Pennie_Jane said:

my intentions very misunderstood

and it's so perplexing, and depressing. Recently I discovered why it happens. It's Double Empathy Problem https://youtu.be/y51w9j5eS50. Autistamatic made a video proposing a solution to that as well https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hEI2F66uIGI&list=PL3R_uyUBjsuBozC9uMrd8NLX1A5BgSyWE but we still need to find a way to pass it to allistic, because it requires both sides to cooperate

This is not true. Nor is it practical sound advice.

Fear is a necessary part of our calculus. Let me give you an example: You're off for a walk in the woods and suddenly a bear drops from a tree. You feel fear and thankfully your freeze mode kicks in. This Healthy response helps the bear turn and walk away. Another: You're foraging mushrooms with a friend. You have a microscope and a pocket guide and Your Nose. You smell a frightful / repellant smell, the wrong smell, a smell you've learned to recognise as dangerous. You leave that mushroom and move on. And another: You meet someone nice. Over the next month they diminish you in small ways and make light of it. You try to ask them not to and they put you down for being too sensitive. They do things which make you feel uncomfortable and as though perhaps they're not worth trusting. This is the moment feeling hesitant or repelled or uncertain are worth listening to. These 'negative' responses are there For A Reason. So you don't end up compromised by humans who have little consideration for your well-being.

All Senses exist for a reason. Learning to use them and discipline and train them is one thing. All soldiers spend a good deal of time in boot camp learning to override their flight mode in the face of destruction. I'm not convinced this is always a good thing. Especially if we think about children stolen and brainwashed into armies.

A "scared" mammal usually has a good reason. Do not confuse a lack of understanding how to engage socially with the need to spend years in a psychoanalysts office. Some just need a manual on how to discern between a potential good friend and a useless investment. Do you know how to recognise which stocks to invest in? Matters of the heart are even more valuable than matters of money. Trust worthy people help us recognise we should afford others time to earn our trust if we'd like a relationship with them. Those who are reckless and unintentional don't get to earn my trust. 

Friendships are not forged overnight. They take years of investment. They take careful choosing. We are not required to be friends with anyone.

Most Autistics are dealing with a Lack of Insight. Practical how-to rules in engaging with others. But make no mistake, we are ALL misrepresented, misunderstood and that will impact our finances and livelihood. We ALL perceive and reason different and most have been overlooked and so not helped to reach potential. Sometimes the best thing one can do is find a Darkroom to properly Develop in. (this is an analogy to photography).

Dear Pennie_Jane,

Thank you for sharing this with our community. I hope you enjoy your time here! If you're interested, please feel free to read our page about making friends, https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/family-life-and-relationships/making-friends/autistic-adults

Sending all good wishes,

Eunice Mod

Maybe a major problem with socializing is that the more we desperately need it, the less we are able to do it. So it is a loop. When we are desperate and have expectations, we are more prone to deceptions and tend to turn to anyone when it takes only empathetic people to get out of the loop. Do you have an activity you enjoy so that you will feel confident being around others while doing it? Please try not to be too hard on yourself. You have nice things to share with others and are entitled to chose whith who you share them: people who do not make you feel bad. They exist, it is only a matter of finding them. They can be anywhere but are most likely doing things you also enjoy doing. 

You have an Amygdala issue. The. Amygdala controls how scared you are. Nothing to do with the cortex. If you are a scared mammal you run to the dark and shake. Meditation can teach you to find and feel your amygdala and over time learn to change the Amygdala state so you can stop biologically running to the darkness and learn to attach and feel love. Which obviously helps with social situations. Like having a bad smell the cortex is not important enough to be told about. And changing the Amygdala state. Changes how you smell. Which affects how other people react to your smell