Published on 12, July, 2020
I have recently found out that my autistic partner has paid to watch sexual activity online. Our current sex life is none existent and he's clearly told me that he's not interested in sex anymore. Now I understand this as sex is a MASSIVE sensory thing for him, a big overload, hence his decision. And I'm not upset that I have found this (phone bill) as everyone needs their needs meeting. And him doing that is meaning he is control and an overload will not happen as he noes his limits. However do I tell him it's ok and I know?
How would you respond if it was you? Would you be relieved I knew? Or embarrassed?
He struggles with conversation about our relationship and any issues etc but he is afraid of what will be said. I know he loves me dearly and shows me in his own way that this is the case.
Thanks for getting this far, appreciate it. x
Do you need to let him know? If there's no problem, why being it up?
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Hmm.... difficult. I'd definitely go for the open honest approach, but how do you feel about the sex issue? Absolutely, whether asexual or highly sexed, the sensory elements of autism are bound to play out in the bedroom. But however they play out they have to meet both party's needs. Sounds like you need an open discussion about sexual happiness without overload - none of us has magic answers to that. It'll be down to whatever you both feel comfortable with.
I would be concerned with the fact that he's paying for porn and keeping the bill a secret from you. That's a trust issue. Do you know if his relationship with porn is unhealthy like an addiction? However if you're okay with his relationship with porn and you still maintain a good relationship, then there is no need confront him on the subject, but if you feel that there is an unhealthy element to his porn habit, then you may need to intervene.
Thanks you so much BillyC87, that's a lovely message and has reassured me that I am doing what's best for him.
Embarrassment is definitely a massive thing for him and yes I agree alot of reassuring will be needed if I do say anything. It's hard to work out if me knowing and it being ok will override the embarrassment or if it will be the other way round.
Defense is a massive thing for him but I know this so work with it. x
For starters I’d be honest. If him watching porn really doesn’t bother you then lead with that.
I’d say the bigger issue is that you clearly both have sexual desires and I’m assuming a physical attraction to each other but you can’t find a mechanism to explore that. I’d consider looking at getting some sex therapy. Even if issues around over sensitivity can’t be overcome there must be scope for the 2 of you to do other things together.
Its a tricky one. I think first of all you sound like a wonderful partner to be so understanding and supportive. Sex is very difficult for us autistic people, it is the ultimate sensory overload for us. Sometimes we desperately want to do it but we cant face it
He may feel guilty for what he did and assume that you would judge him for it so if you do bring it up I would start off with lots of reassurance that you dont mind and you dont think badly of him or judge him for it. Say that before anything else. Also dont be surprised if he gets upset with you for talking about it or becomes very defensive. Thats usually just a kind of coping mechanism to shield ourselves from embarressment and a fear of what people think
If it was me I would be terribly embarressed and fear my partner being upset with me. After 6 years of marraige i have only just become comfortable talking about masturbation with my wife let alone anything else. It isnt easy. However he isnt me and all autistic people are different so I can only say my own experiences
I cant say how it will turn out but it sounds like you are a kind sympathetic person and that will hopefully see things work out in the end