Terrified of going back to college

Hey Kate,

I'm really sorry about your sons situation, selective mutism, anxiety and autism all in one that can't be easy at the best of times let alone with the thoughts of returning to college looming over him. 

I can understand your concerns with this. It must be hard trying to encourage him but not trying to make him feel under pressure and the worry that returning to college will affect him and set him back. If I were a mum and in the same situation I'd be worried about this as well.

I am, in a way, in this situation. I was at college and I was learning video game development and I more less got through last year but the end result was a massive increase in my anxiety and I got burnout after and spent a few months pretty much bed and housebound. The thought of going back is honestly terrifying me and I get panic attacks just thinking about it. Problem is my parents are expecting me to go back, they think I can cope and overreact and that's making me feel I should go back. Maybe your son is thinking the same way and he just wants to make you proud and happy. But I agree it sounds like it will be too much for him, there's so much pressure and if he goes and can't manage to make it through I think it could make him feel really bad and you definitely want to avoid that.

I would talk to him if I was you, maybe air your concerns you could try writing a text or letter if you find that easier.

I hope you can both work out what to do for the best x

Hi Kyla,

thank you so much for your reply - it really means a lot to me and my son (I read your message to him) to feel that you understand and know what it’s like. I’m sorry that you’ve experienced similar problems at college - it’s so hard isn’t it? Many people have no idea just how hard it is. My son had a talk with his therapist about it and has decided not to return this term - he feels (and she agreed) that it’s just too much for him at the moment. He needs to put his mental health and well being first. He feels very relieved to have finally made the decision - but also quite sad about it. He liked the college in so many ways - but some aspects of it were incredibly stressful for him. 
He’s such a wonderful person - he’d love to have friends and girlfriend - and all the ‘normal’ things of life - but his social anxiety and selective mutism is such a barrier to that. When he’s with us he’s so chatty, funny and intelligent - I know he’d have no problem making friends if he could be himself at college as he’s brilliant company. It’s so frustrating for him. He never got enough help for his Selective Mutism throughout his education - and that’s had such serious consequences for him. 
However now we need to try to be positive and find ways for him to enjoy life and make progress to have the life he wants to have. Today was a big decision for him. He’s exhausted from all the stress of trying to face going back. 

Do you know what you’re going to do? I’m sure your parents must be incredibly proud of you - whatever you decide to do. I can’t overstate just how much love one feels as a parent to watch your child face so many challenges and try to cope with dealing with the world as an autistic person. My admiration for my son knows no bounds - he’s had such a tough time but he’s not become at all bitter or angry - he’s the kindest, most wonderful human being and I couldn’t be more proud of him. I’m sure your parents must feel the same - you sound like such a kind and understanding person. 
Thank you for sharing your experience with us - it really does help. x 

Hello Kate. Aw, wow that's such a relief to hear your son has made a decision on what to do. I also think it's the right decision, I hope it's ok to say as I'm an outsider in this situation. I just feel maybe it will have been too much this time but who knows next year he might and hopefully will be in a much better place and can look at it again if he wants to. It is very hard, extremely hard actually but to be honest there's no support for people with autism you're just left to deal with everything yourself so I'm not surprised he found it hard, I do as well. If there was support I think it would be easier but it's seriously lacking in the education system.

Your son sounds a lovely boy. I'm sorry he has to face so many difficulties it can't be easy with all that and autism as well. I find anxiety worsens everything? I also find being with family is more comfortable but when out you sort of shut yourself away and mask around everyone, I do, and it is totally exhausting. I'm glad your son has his therapist though she sounds lovely and like she's really good for him. I'm on the waiting list to see a therapist, hoping that will be soon. Is the therapist able to help find him support for the selective mutism or is that done through the GP? I hope you can find support soon. You sound an intelligent, caring and loving mother and give as much support as you can I think that must be a huge help and support for your son. He must be really glad to have you in his life.

Sadly my parents aren't really proud. They think the autism is an excuse and say I'm lazy and need to try harder in the things I do. I do try and I try to make them proud but it's not good enough unfortunately. I don't want to go again this year as I think it'll burn me out but I think I will go or they'll say I'm lazy and if I can get through it then maybe that will help. I'm not sure. Still thinking it over I don't know what to do.

Your son sounds wonderful but then you are wonderful as well, your words are beautiful and your love for him strong. It really is lovely to read.

Hello Kate. Aw, wow that's such a relief to hear your son has made a decision on what to do. I also think it's the right decision, I hope it's ok to say as I'm an outsider in this situation. I just feel maybe it will have been too much this time but who knows next year he might and hopefully will be in a much better place and can look at it again if he wants to. It is very hard, extremely hard actually but to be honest there's no support for people with autism you're just left to deal with everything yourself so I'm not surprised he found it hard, I do as well. If there was support I think it would be easier but it's seriously lacking in the education system.

Your son sounds a lovely boy. I'm sorry he has to face so many difficulties it can't be easy with all that and autism as well. I find anxiety worsens everything? I also find being with family is more comfortable but when out you sort of shut yourself away and mask around everyone, I do, and it is totally exhausting. I'm glad your son has his therapist though she sounds lovely and like she's really good for him. I'm on the waiting list to see a therapist, hoping that will be soon. Is the therapist able to help find him support for the selective mutism or is that done through the GP? I hope you can find support soon. You sound an intelligent, caring and loving mother and give as much support as you can I think that must be a huge help and support for your son. He must be really glad to have you in his life.

Sadly my parents aren't really proud. They think the autism is an excuse and say I'm lazy and need to try harder in the things I do. I do try and I try to make them proud but it's not good enough unfortunately. I don't want to go again this year as I think it'll burn me out but I think I will go or they'll say I'm lazy and if I can get through it then maybe that will help. I'm not sure. Still thinking it over I don't know what to do.

Your son sounds wonderful but then you are wonderful as well, your words are beautiful and your love for him strong. It really is lovely to read.

Hi Kyla - I’m incredibly touched by your words and your empathy - thank you so much x

Yesterday late afternoon/evening myself, my son and my husband went for a walk in a beautiful local woodland and my son said he felt like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders after making this decision, and to just be in the peace and beauty of this evening walk in the countryside. In that moment we all knew with complete clarity that he had made the right decision. This morning he has woken up feeling so much better after so many weeks of worrying about going back. Such a relief! 

Whatever happens next in terms of his education I know that at this moment this is the right thing for him. I know that sometimes we have to push ourselves out of our comfort zone as autistic people (I’m autistic too) but I think if it’s to the extent that it’s damaging our mental health then that can’t be right. People can only take so much. 

Re. your parents - that sounds (I hope you don’t mind me saying this) unfair on you if that’s their attitude. Do they understand autism? Presumably they know your autistic? Because if they do surely they should be more understanding of the extra challenges you face as an autistic person? 
I empathise because when I was a child/young person I didn’t know I was autistic and my parents didn’t even know what autism was. We had a difficult relationship and when I look back on it our lack of awareness couldn’t have helped. Regardless of the autism issue however my parents were not very sympathetic people and they didn’t show much empathy and were very judgemental people. They were always very critical and unforgiving  of people - including their children. 
At the time I found this very difficult and upsetting and it damaged my self esteem and made me feel like a failure. When I left home to go to Art College I met the love of my life (now husband) and only then did I learn to feel better about myself, and to feel truly loved and accepted. My self esteem is still a pretty fragile thing though as those early ‘lessons’ we get from our parents can be hard to completely shake off. 
Now my parents are old and my mother has advanced dementia. I’ve gradually come closer to a sense of peace about their failings as parents. They were pretty emotionally messed up by THEIR parents - so I try to bear that in mind and be forgiving, and accepting of their inability to be as loving as I wanted them to be when I was a child. My Dad still sometimes says awful things to me but now I take it less to heart (although it still hurts I must confess). I try to tell myself that he is an emotionally dysfunctional person and therefore not able to be a loving dad in the way I would like. At times I’ve deeply resented how they were as parents - but resentment only makes you feel bad - so I’ve tried to let that go as much as I possibly can. As the Buddhists say - holding bad feeling to another person is like holding a scorpion in your hand - ultimately it stings you more than the person you have the bad feeling about! 

At the same time though it’s always important to remember that nobody has the right to say cruel things to you - whether they are family or not. Calling someone lazy and saying that they are using autism as an ‘excuse’ seems unkind and unacceptable to be. That’s just my opinion that I wanted to share with you - I hope you don’t mind? 
You definitely shouldn’t have to feel the need to ‘make your parents proud’ - if they love you that should be a given that they are proud of you. TRUE love doesn’t need anyone to jump over hurdles or prove themselves in such a way. For autistic people with burnout or people with mental health issues sometimes even just going out the door and down the street takes courage - that’s what people need to understand. It’s not laziness! 
People shouldn’t  judge others for what then can or can’t do - they should just be supportive and kind. 

When I was younger I realised that whatever I did my parents pretty much had a fixed view of me as a person and nothing I could do would make much difference to that. Ultimately you have to just be yourself and do what’s right for you - and your parents have to realise that you’re an adult and it’s your choice - and they should respect that. If they want a good relationship with you (and I think the vast majority of parents do want that - even though it often doesn’t feel that way!) - they need to respect you. Respect is absolutely vital in relationships in my opinion. Love, respect and kindness. Your parents - I don’t doubt - love you and want you to love them. It’s extremely rare for that not to be the case. Set firm boundaries with them though if they are being unkind or judgemental towards you - because that’s not acceptable. No one deserves that - least of all from their parents. 

Whatever you decide - I hope it goes well for you. Do it (or don’t do it) for YOU - not to make your parents proud! You’re an adult and it’s totally your decision alone (my son is 21 by the way - and I am always mindful of the fact that it’s so important to make that leap from treating our children as ‘children’ - and to make that change to having adult children and recognising that change in your relationship) - it’s a leap so many parents seem to struggle to make - I know my parents did. 

Your very kind and understanding words have certainly meant a lot to me and my son today - so thank you so much for what you have written here. You sound like a very wise and kind person. 

I hope you have a lovely day - and thanks again x