Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi everyone,
just wondering if anyone is going through this too? My son is due to return to college very soon after several months out due to mental health problems. He has Selective Mutism and ocd as well as being autistic. If I’m honest I don’t think he’s going to actually be able to bring himself to go back - he’s so incredibly scared and also without hope that it will be any better than last time (and last time he found it so difficult).
im torn between feeling I should encourage him to go back - because he did enjoy some aspects of it - and feeling it’s wrong to put him back into a situation that he found so stressful. Stressful as a word doesn’t even convey it - he found it so hard and felt so lonely. He really wants to make friends but his social anxiety is so extreme that he can’t talk to anyone at all - even being near people is stressful for him. He feels so lonely and isolated in college. However I feel how will he ever overcome these fears and difficulties if he just spends all his time at home with his parents? He’s the most wonderful person - intelligent, funny, kind, caring, empathic - he has so much going for him but other people just don’t see it because around other people he just freezes and can’t be himself - his social anxiety stops him from being able to show people the person he really is.
I feel college presents opportunities for him - but his fear is such that I don’t know if he’ll ever be able to benefit from what it offers - and that instead it will just increase his stress levels and make him feel like a complete failure (that’s what happened last time). He’s lost hope, and lost faith in himself to ever overcome his difficulties. He has a therapist (weekly phone call) but although she’s lovely and he gets some benefit - it’s not enough to make a significant difference to his most serious issues. Last time he was at college they couldn’t offer him specialist support for Selective Mutism - they just said they can’t provide it. He has an EHCP but that doesn’t seem to mean they have to provide specialist support. They outright said they can’t provide it.
what should I do? I’ve made it clear to my son that’s it’s his choice whether or not he goes back. But I don’t even know myself whether or not it’s in his best interests to go back. Also if he leaves education he loses his EHCP I think? I’m wondering if he could do some online learning - would that enable him to keep his EHCP?
has anyone else on here been in a similar position? And advice or shared experience would be really appreciated! thanks
Hey Kate,
I'm really sorry about your sons situation, selective mutism, anxiety and autism all in one that can't be easy at the best of times let alone with the thoughts of returning to college looming over him.
I can understand your concerns with this. It must be hard trying to encourage him but not trying to make him feel under pressure and the worry that returning to college will affect him and set him back. If I were a mum and in the same situation I'd be worried about this as well.
I am, in a way, in this situation. I was at college and I was learning video game development and I more less got through last year but the end result was a massive increase in my anxiety and I got burnout after and spent a few months pretty much bed and housebound. The thought of going back is honestly terrifying me and I get panic attacks just thinking about it. Problem is my parents are expecting me to go back, they think I can cope and overreact and that's making me feel I should go back. Maybe your son is thinking the same way and he just wants to make you proud and happy. But I agree it sounds like it will be too much for him, there's so much pressure and if he goes and can't manage to make it through I think it could make him feel really bad and you definitely want to avoid that.
I would talk to him if I was you, maybe air your concerns you could try writing a text or letter if you find that easier.
I hope you can both work out what to do for the best x
Hi Kyla,
thank you so much for your reply - it really means a lot to me and my son (I read your message to him) to feel that you understand and know what it’s like. I’m sorry that you’ve experienced similar problems at college - it’s so hard isn’t it? Many people have no idea just how hard it is. My son had a talk with his therapist about it and has decided not to return this term - he feels (and she agreed) that it’s just too much for him at the moment. He needs to put his mental health and well being first. He feels very relieved to have finally made the decision - but also quite sad about it. He liked the college in so many ways - but some aspects of it were incredibly stressful for him. He’s such a wonderful person - he’d love to have friends and girlfriend - and all the ‘normal’ things of life - but his social anxiety and selective mutism is such a barrier to that. When he’s with us he’s so chatty, funny and intelligent - I know he’d have no problem making friends if he could be himself at college as he’s brilliant company. It’s so frustrating for him. He never got enough help for his Selective Mutism throughout his education - and that’s had such serious consequences for him. However now we need to try to be positive and find ways for him to enjoy life and make progress to have the life he wants to have. Today was a big decision for him. He’s exhausted from all the stress of trying to face going back.
Do you know what you’re going to do? I’m sure your parents must be incredibly proud of you - whatever you decide to do. I can’t overstate just how much love one feels as a parent to watch your child face so many challenges and try to cope with dealing with the world as an autistic person. My admiration for my son knows no bounds - he’s had such a tough time but he’s not become at all bitter or angry - he’s the kindest, most wonderful human being and I couldn’t be more proud of him. I’m sure your parents must feel the same - you sound like such a kind and understanding person. Thank you for sharing your experience with us - it really does help. x