Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't think I know how to relax. I don't know that I've ever been relaxed. I have been very stressed for a long time. There's no one big obvious cause right now. But it has built to a level where its causing me physical problems, like digestive issues, joint and muscle pain, headaches, palpitations, all of which can make me feel exhausted and mentally low.
Doctors have recommended things over the years to try and help relax - exercise, meditation, mindfulness, yoga - and I have dutifully tried them all. But they either don't seem to work for me, like mindfulness, or they do start to work and I suddenly get ill. Exercise, for example, I've tried a few times. I start doing small amounts every morning and evening. I keep it very gentle and only progress slowly, and I started to feel the benefit. But then as soon as that happens I end up with extreme muscle pains all over, or a cluster of migraines, or sudden terrible stomach problems. Some of these are so bad they put me in bed for days, several has necessitated a trip to the doctor and one landed me in hospital. They can last days or weeks, but they all derail the exercising (or yoga or meditation etc) and make it difficult to return to it for some time afterwards. This cycle, of cause, only serves to make the stress and anxiety worse.
Has anyone else experienced this? Could this be related to ASD or ADHD? Any advice on what to do? How does everyone else manage to relax without getting ill?
Any advice or thoughts welcome. Thanks.
I don't think I'm ever truly relaxed. I'm always anxious and in a state of hypervigilance. I wake up anxious and I go to bed anxious. It's just always there in the background, ready to be triggered at the slightest noise or demand placed upon me.
I think some people assume that anxiety only arises in response to a certain thing or situation, but that isn't the case at all. It's there all the time and most of the time I haven't a clue what it is that I'm so anxious about. I've been like that all my life, for as long as I can remember. Sometimes it is manageable but I go through times when it is completely debilitating.
It is the physical effects that make it hard to live with. Headaches, migraines, palpitations, digestive issues. My list is similar to yours. However I don't think it is the relaxing that is making you ill. It is the physical manifestation of the stress and anxiety that is still there, even when you are trying to relax.
Like you I've tried everything suggested to me - exercise, meditation, mindfulness, yoga. I too have tried them all along with many medications and natural remedies.
Whenever I try mindfulness or meditation I find I hit some barrier, whereby the internal focus results in me becoming even more anxious. Most mindfulness exercises focus on the breathing, however as soon as I do that I immediately feel that I can't breathe and start to panic. I can't seem to just observe my breathing I have to be in control. Then it's as if I forget to breathe! The 'body scan' exercise I find anxiety inducing too. I am hyper sensitive to my own internal body functions and quickly get sensory overload from my own heartbeat and internal pulses.
Even my GP has seemingly given up and says there are no other options to help my anxiety.
Autonomistic said:Most mindfulness exercises focus on the breathing, however as soon as I do that I immediately feel that I can't breathe and start to panic. I can't seem to just observe my breathing I have to be in control. Then it's as if I forget to breathe! The 'body scan' exercise I find anxiety inducing too. I am hyper sensitive to my own internal body functions
I also cannot be doing with anything which wants me to focus on my breathing! I hate it! I was starting to wonder if I had a mental block or just resistance so I'm glad I'm not alone. It doesn't make me panic but it does annoy me and make me tense which is the opposite of the desired result. Also the internal focus one, especially as I have arthritis and have to try and ignore unpleasant bodily sensations a lot of the time.
I was listening to a book on mindfulness the other day and the other exercise it was on about was being aware of your surroundings and noticing things. My thoughts were that I am like that anyway and do they mean most people are not aware of their surroundings? I think it's only if I focus on something else or something specific that I notice less the other things. So I guess reducing focus from everything to this one leaf or whatever might be relatively relaxing, but hyperfocus on my special interest works for that too... except of course then it is hard to stop!
I'm glad to know it isn't just me who doesn't find the focus on breathing relaxing.
I attended an 8 week mindfulness course a few years ago, it was recommended to me for anxiety. It was quite an eye opener that they seemed to think I wasn't already aware of my surroundings. The assumption was that everyone was constantly thinking about other things. I don't multitask well and prefer to solely focus on whatever I am doing at the time.
I think in general I am a mindful person. Few can be more mindful than an autistic person in a state of hyperfocus about their special interests. If I do get repetitive or intrusive thoughts about something then that becomes my new 'focus' until that issue is resolved.
You have explained that very well.
The mindfulness course was designed for NTs, like everything else in this world. I now understand why I became so overwhelmed during the exercises, which were teaching awareness of surroundings and bodies. I was already hyperaware and to force myself to focus on them was way too much.
I guess like most things mindfulness is designed for NTs... If we are usually hyperaware of our surrounding and our bodies then what we more need is perhaps a way to block out some of that info? So maybe for us the kind of mindfulness which is to focus on just one thing like a single leaf is more useful. Our hyperfocus may be so compelling to us because it is the only way we usually get to ignore that other stuff.