Published on 12, July, 2020
I don't think I know how to relax. I don't know that I've ever been relaxed. I have been very stressed for a long time. There's no one big obvious cause right now. But it has built to a level where its causing me physical problems, like digestive issues, joint and muscle pain, headaches, palpitations, all of which can make me feel exhausted and mentally low.
Doctors have recommended things over the years to try and help relax - exercise, meditation, mindfulness, yoga - and I have dutifully tried them all. But they either don't seem to work for me, like mindfulness, or they do start to work and I suddenly get ill. Exercise, for example, I've tried a few times. I start doing small amounts every morning and evening. I keep it very gentle and only progress slowly, and I started to feel the benefit. But then as soon as that happens I end up with extreme muscle pains all over, or a cluster of migraines, or sudden terrible stomach problems. Some of these are so bad they put me in bed for days, several has necessitated a trip to the doctor and one landed me in hospital. They can last days or weeks, but they all derail the exercising (or yoga or meditation etc) and make it difficult to return to it for some time afterwards. This cycle, of cause, only serves to make the stress and anxiety worse.
Has anyone else experienced this? Could this be related to ASD or ADHD? Any advice on what to do? How does everyone else manage to relax without getting ill?
Any advice or thoughts welcome. Thanks.
I don't think I'm ever truly relaxed. I'm always anxious and in a state of hypervigilance. I wake up anxious and I go to bed anxious. It's just always there in the background, ready to be triggered at the slightest noise or demand placed upon me.
I think some people assume that anxiety only arises in response to a certain thing or situation, but that isn't the case at all. It's there all the time and most of the time I haven't a clue what it is that I'm so anxious about. I've been like that all my life, for as long as I can remember. Sometimes it is manageable but I go through times when it is completely debilitating.
It is the physical effects that make it hard to live with. Headaches, migraines, palpitations, digestive issues. My list is similar to yours. However I don't think it is the relaxing that is making you ill. It is the physical manifestation of the stress and anxiety that is still there, even when you are trying to relax.
Like you I've tried everything suggested to me - exercise, meditation, mindfulness, yoga. I too have tried them all along with many medications and natural remedies.
Whenever I try mindfulness or meditation I find I hit some barrier, whereby the internal focus results in me becoming even more anxious. Most mindfulness exercises focus on the breathing, however as soon as I do that I immediately feel that I can't breathe and start to panic. I can't seem to just observe my breathing I have to be in control. Then it's as if I forget to breathe! The 'body scan' exercise I find anxiety inducing too. I am hyper sensitive to my own internal body functions and quickly get sensory overload from my own heartbeat and internal pulses.
Even my GP has seemingly given up and says there are no other options to help my anxiety.
Together with my poet-friend we came to the conclusion, that being anxious for whatever reason, and being excited about whatever you're trying to do at the moment, fuels creativity in a similar way. You need to be above a certain personal threshold to experience sudden surges of ingenuity. Preferably as close to becoming a madman as possible It's very hard to get to that point and maintain that state of mind
I can't say I've experienced any brilliant surges of ingenuity or creativity. I have felt pretty close to madness at times though Maybe I need to channel all that nervous energy in a different way.
channelling, I suppose it will work in a way we can imagine, anything and everything,
for me it was writing, short stories, and my book, I managed to get to that point just before madness twice during my short unemployment period last year, I managed to write 20 pages over night each time, I had many crazy, clever, nice, useful, whatever idea, some of them I managed to encompass in writing, It felt like sun spots spawning during maximum on sun's surface, if sun was my brain LOL
not really feasible if I have to go to work next day