Published on 12, July, 2020
I'm feeling worried about my future, the worry is increasing every single day. Currently I'm living with my parents and I love them to bits. I also heavily rely on them, I can't cook, do phone calls, or do money and shopping. My whole life is literally me just writing and reading. They are approaching 60 now and in recent years have both suffered with health problems and I'm more than aware now that time is running out, maybe not today, or this year, but at some point they will both be gone and then my future and life will be very empty and probably extremely difficult. I know I won't cope with one of their deaths when it comes. I can hardly cope with small every day things. Death is a huge worry of mine and I know when both my parents are gone I'll crash and burn. Sometimes I look at suicide as an option, I think about it, not actually doing it just ponder it. But all the ways seem too scary and painful. And I know your not meant to and I'm a good girl always, but I still don't want to face all this and don't want to see it happen... But I know it's going to happen. Parents do die, it's a fact of life, but I can't process it and understand it all.
I've looked for support and help to understand it and stop worrying but doctors just ignored that and said I was mentally unwell. I need help with the autism but there's no help around it seems.
I'm hoping some people here may have gone through this and can help me out.
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Hi Bookworm. A lot of what you wrote resonated with me, as I have had similar thoughts over the years. My mother died three years ago, my father is still alive (but in his late 70s and not well). It's horrible to think about loved ones dying, and I used to think about it a lot, but try not to let those worries get in the way of spending and enjoying time with them now. Make the most of them! Approaching 60 is nothing, really, these days - they may have a very long time left. And my experience was that when I reached that point, and my mother died, although I was incredibly sad, and still am, and still miss her every day, actually I'm able to have a better (and happier_ perspective of her than I had when she was ill. When I think about her now, I smile. I don't have the stress of seeing her bed ridden with dementia and I'm able to 'see' her whole life, and what she meant to me, and appreciate it. I think a lot of people struggle more with 'little things' (like cooking and shopping) than 'big things' (like life and death) - I think it's just a coping mechanism.
But more than anything, stay safe - reach out to people - parents, any friends you may have, support groups, organisations like the Samaritans - if and when you have suicidal thoughts.