Know what is what

Apologies. I appear to have rambled on and not actually asked the question I had intended to. I can do that sometimes. 

Does anyone have any strategies they utilise when they spot the signs of burnout but have unavoidable commitments ahead? If indeed these signs are burnout.

Many thanks

Interesting question. I can really identify with a lot of what you wrote. I do feel those signs of burnout a lot. When I do I try to take the next day or two very slowly and do lots of the things that I know comfort me, TV shows, music, books, places I feel safe going etc. 

As for what to do if you have any unavoidable commitments, I still struggle with that one. I find thinking about whether they actually are unaviodable cos there are lots of things that feel it cos of our fear of letting people down but actually arent unaviodable if that makes sense. If they arent then having the courage to say no and not do them is hard but really helps. 
If they actually are unavoidable then taking stimming toys/ fidget toys with you when you do them helps, having routines you know help you before you do them, like a comforting familiar meal for lunch perhaps, music you know you like to calm you down and, most importantly, rewarding yourself after they are done by really engaging in your special interests or things that you know comfort you. If you can tell yourself while your doing the thing "as soon as I get home I will sit down on the sofa and watch/ read/ listen to (insert favourite thing here) and just go easy on myself" I find that helps

hope all this made sense!

Thank you for your reply. It all made a lot of sense and has given me some ideas.

I think I find the idea of rewarding myself tricky, I tend to find it a lot easier to beat myself up for feeling like this rather than recognising that actually navigating moments like that is a success rather than it being a failure in struggling in the first place. But, that said, this is something I am working on and working on quite actively (when I have the energy).

As for the question about whether something truly is unavoidable or not, I can entirely see what you mean. I love philosophical questions like that and get lost in my thoughts for hours over them. This is probably something to think about in moments like this, but as you also said, sometimes things are just unavoidable. The idea of letting people down really does play on my mind a lot though, so I think you hit the nail on the head.

Lots to think about here, so thanks a lot for your reply!

I think you could be right about the idea that the treatment of others by autistic people tends to favour the other party involved. I think it is for this reason that autistic people may be at increased risk of being taken for granted. I can certain think of a few examples of this from my past, until I established who was actually a friend or not. But even this can be difficult to realise.

I can entirely relate to your comment about things always changing within social situations. Sometimes even with the same people, things can fall flat when they wouldn’t have the day before. This is something that always puzzles me, but I think it’s probably best to just accept that as the case rather than trying to figure out why every time. I’ve spent a lot of energy that way before.

With regard to the spoons, it’s a reference to something known as spoons theory. I learned about it in my post diagnosis support session as well as on here. My (very basic) understanding is that it was developed in a cafe between two friends when one was trying to illustrate the energy limitations that a particular condition had on her life. The condition was not ASD, but was something that impacted energy levels in a way that many autistic people can identify with- hence why many subscribe to the theory. I could have massively misunderstood, so please feel free to correct me somebody if I get this wrong and I’d definitely recommend your own reading, as it’s very likely I’ll get something wrong here. My recollection is as follows- The person had a number of spoons to hand and spoke about her day. For each activity, subtracted a spoon or two. She illustrated the fact that she had to often choose between activities, as with a finite number of spoons, every choice counted. Part way through her day, she was out of spoons and her friend then realised why she said no to so many social events and I think was quite shocked by what she saw. It was a very handy way of creating a pictorial representation of an otherwise invisible, but very real, dynamic. I hope that brief summary has helped, but equally, my recollection could be hugely wrong- I’m relying on my memory, which is letting me down a bit at the moment.

Oakling said:

I think the harshness I judge myself with is almost the complete opposite to how I treat others

This is me in a nutshell. I am so kind and understanding to everyone else but so harsh on myself. I think it may be a common autistic trait from my experiences, NT people seem to treat themselves better than they treat everyone else but we seem to treat everyone else far better than we treat ourselves.

I really indentify with all you've said, it sounds just like me too. The rules for social interactions are very fluid and seem to change all the time. What is socially acceptable one day eg, a joke for instance seems to be frowned upon the next day. Also, it seems that people are expected to behave completely differently depending on which social group rather than being themselves.

Im intrigued by what you said about the spoons, what does that mean?

I think the harshness I judge myself with is almost the complete opposite to how I treat others. I would encourage someone to be kind to themselves wherever possible, patient with themselves when they don’t understand something and to develop perseverance when they can’t achieve something yet, however, those messages that I deliver to others  haven’t seemed to make it my way yet. I do sometimes wonder if it is because I spent so much of my time growing up watching and learning interaction before engaging in it, that I built up a set of guidelines for myself to follow (almost to make sense of it all) so when something goes wrong, it feels like I’ve ‘broken the rules’ somehow. It’s in those moments that I’m particularly hard on myself. Rules are important to me. They seem to be black and white and therefore easy to navigate. But the rules for social interactions are far more fluid than that, and therefore tricky and frustrating all at the same time.

You make a very good point about looking after yourself first. I’m far better company when fully rested and with all my ‘spoons’ available than without. Another thing for me to consider.

Thanks for again taking the time to reply.

I am glad you found my reply helpful. I am the same as you, I am very hard on myself and beat myself up a lot. The fact that you have recognised that you are having a success for navigating these moments is a huge step though. It sounds like you are quite aware of how your brain works which is always a big step for people like us, once you can understand it you can figure out what makes it better or worse if that makes sense. 

I worry a lot about letting people down ALL the time and I have forced myself to do so many things that I am not up to doing in life as a result. Now I am very slowly starting to realise that I need to look after myself first of all and that gives me the courage to say no to things occasionally. 

After all if you think about it, you cant be there for anyone else if you are burning yourself out anyway so you gotta look after yourself (hope that made sense, its 2am and I am very sleepy)

I am glad you found my reply helpful. I am the same as you, I am very hard on myself and beat myself up a lot. The fact that you have recognised that you are having a success for navigating these moments is a huge step though. It sounds like you are quite aware of how your brain works which is always a big step for people like us, once you can understand it you can figure out what makes it better or worse if that makes sense. 

I worry a lot about letting people down ALL the time and I have forced myself to do so many things that I am not up to doing in life as a result. Now I am very slowly starting to realise that I need to look after myself first of all and that gives me the courage to say no to things occasionally. 

After all if you think about it, you cant be there for anyone else if you are burning yourself out anyway so you gotta look after yourself (hope that made sense, its 2am and I am very sleepy)

I think you could be right about the idea that the treatment of others by autistic people tends to favour the other party involved. I think it is for this reason that autistic people may be at increased risk of being taken for granted. I can certain think of a few examples of this from my past, until I established who was actually a friend or not. But even this can be difficult to realise.

I can entirely relate to your comment about things always changing within social situations. Sometimes even with the same people, things can fall flat when they wouldn’t have the day before. This is something that always puzzles me, but I think it’s probably best to just accept that as the case rather than trying to figure out why every time. I’ve spent a lot of energy that way before.

With regard to the spoons, it’s a reference to something known as spoons theory. I learned about it in my post diagnosis support session as well as on here. My (very basic) understanding is that it was developed in a cafe between two friends when one was trying to illustrate the energy limitations that a particular condition had on her life. The condition was not ASD, but was something that impacted energy levels in a way that many autistic people can identify with- hence why many subscribe to the theory. I could have massively misunderstood, so please feel free to correct me somebody if I get this wrong and I’d definitely recommend your own reading, as it’s very likely I’ll get something wrong here. My recollection is as follows- The person had a number of spoons to hand and spoke about her day. For each activity, subtracted a spoon or two. She illustrated the fact that she had to often choose between activities, as with a finite number of spoons, every choice counted. Part way through her day, she was out of spoons and her friend then realised why she said no to so many social events and I think was quite shocked by what she saw. It was a very handy way of creating a pictorial representation of an otherwise invisible, but very real, dynamic. I hope that brief summary has helped, but equally, my recollection could be hugely wrong- I’m relying on my memory, which is letting me down a bit at the moment.

Oakling said:

I think the harshness I judge myself with is almost the complete opposite to how I treat others

This is me in a nutshell. I am so kind and understanding to everyone else but so harsh on myself. I think it may be a common autistic trait from my experiences, NT people seem to treat themselves better than they treat everyone else but we seem to treat everyone else far better than we treat ourselves.

I really indentify with all you've said, it sounds just like me too. The rules for social interactions are very fluid and seem to change all the time. What is socially acceptable one day eg, a joke for instance seems to be frowned upon the next day. Also, it seems that people are expected to behave completely differently depending on which social group rather than being themselves.

Im intrigued by what you said about the spoons, what does that mean?

I think the harshness I judge myself with is almost the complete opposite to how I treat others. I would encourage someone to be kind to themselves wherever possible, patient with themselves when they don’t understand something and to develop perseverance when they can’t achieve something yet, however, those messages that I deliver to others  haven’t seemed to make it my way yet. I do sometimes wonder if it is because I spent so much of my time growing up watching and learning interaction before engaging in it, that I built up a set of guidelines for myself to follow (almost to make sense of it all) so when something goes wrong, it feels like I’ve ‘broken the rules’ somehow. It’s in those moments that I’m particularly hard on myself. Rules are important to me. They seem to be black and white and therefore easy to navigate. But the rules for social interactions are far more fluid than that, and therefore tricky and frustrating all at the same time.

You make a very good point about looking after yourself first. I’m far better company when fully rested and with all my ‘spoons’ available than without. Another thing for me to consider.

Thanks for again taking the time to reply.