I find it difficult to really listen

My wife complains that I don't listen to her until things get so bad that she shouts and/or cries.

I know I can listen, and listen well. I used to be a listening volunteer for the Samaritans, and had no issues listening then. As far as I can tell, the difference is that at Samaritans, I'd put myself in "listening mode" before picking up the phone. We always let it ring a few times before picking up, and we'd use that time to prepare ourselves.

It seems that if I don't consciously get myself ready to listen, I don't really listen, which causes problems.

I've only recently realised that I'm autistic. I've seen advice about helping autistic people do things, but they all seem to revolve around writing down instructions and putting them where they'll be seen at the relevant time. But I can't know in advance when I'll need to properly listen, so that doesn't seem very helpful.

Does anyone have any advice or ideas?

  • I am a sympathetic ear to my female friends, provided they don't shove their way down my throat. 

    I listened well to my, deceased, online Buddy from Toronto tell things she wouldn't even tell Therapists. But the closest woman I had to a Partner became a Carbon-Copy of my Nan. Demanding obedience, and saying, "I think the World of ye!"

    It's about mutual respect. 

  • that is good, but if it does not work, they try the suggestions I made.  It might be that you need an area in your home without any phones near you, no background music etc and no distractions. You sound like a nice person and very caring towards your lovely wife.  Hope it goes better for you both. 

  • We talked earlier this week, and she's going to try to remember to tell me when it's important.

    We'll see how it goes, but I'm hopeful Slight smile

  • Have a chat with her, and tell her, if you have to have a chat with me on something important to you anything at all. Please can you tell me in advance and give me some notice so that I can have a little time to prepare. I want to give you my full attention, but I need a little bit of time to prepare, so agree with her on a suitable time for her. It could be 5 minutes, 10 minutes she might ask to speak to you about the matter on another day when she has more time. You could even have a spot in your home that is comfortable for listening. Perhaps you have a table and two chairs you can sit around instead of a sofa. And that might help you get more focused. 

    Also try to stop using social media , or checking your phone every five mins, give things your attention. For example if you read books then read for a set time without going on social media. Allocated some time in the day for online stuff, for example an hour a day to sit on line. And the rest of the time just being off line. That helps with focus. 

    You do sound like a good person as you are obviously worried that you are not being helpful to your wife. 

    so have a chat with her and try to make that arrangement. And she can also tell you in advance what the main topic of conversation will be about. But do be prepared for that topic to lead to other topics in that one discussion. 

  • No, it's not that. It's not unsaid things, it's that I don't fully take in things that are explicitly said.

  • Brains are always listening, we are always listening.  

    Here's a scenario that people might be familiar with:

    Questioner: "are you going to put the bins out?" 
    Responder: [delay]
    Responder: "Eh?" or "Sorry?"

    Listened, heard, but not made sense of.

    When someone wants to talk to us they might assume we are ready and primed for listening and processing that, but people have their own thoughts and mind processes going on at any moment, and its unfair to expect 100% perfect responses when talking to people.

    I get frustrated/annoyed about having to repeat myself because its hard to speak at times and then having to remember what I just said and speak that back out again, or the gist of it, is hard.  Both sides can work on handling these situations better, its worth trying as it can really make relationships difficult or add to the breaking of them.

  • I was just wondering if your wife also doesn’t see you listen? During my assessment process, my mother had said that I never look like I’m listening to her, yet she knows I am. 
    with close people I don’t feel the need to look at them when they speak. However, at work, I will look at the person, or pretend to lol, and I will nod my head etc.

    Also, perhaps she wants a verbal response, when you don’t deem it necessary to do so, if you know what I mean?

    All this on top of not being able to always hear what it being said. It’s down to differences with audio processing. 

  • Audio processing difficulties, autism thing, perhaps in a deep self-focus and not processing hearing at all

    From what you described, its to do with focussing on yourself, lost in thoughts or what you are doing.

    At the Samaritans you had to switch from self-focus to focussing on the call (someone else) and you were fine, but if you are in self-focus and your wife asks you do something, then you might not hear her.  You could try focussing on her, where she is, so that you are 'ready' to process what she might say next but that might be a challenge to remember to do and keep doing.

    I've and this and partners can find it annoying, so I think its better if other people tap us on the shoulder or something, rather than just using their voice.  Repeating things and getting louder may not help as its still verbal so probably won't be processed either, though the intensity of a shout might help it be processed.

    People without these difficulties are in a position of only knowing everything working 'correctly' and not having a problem with others, just you, so you need to fix yourself and that is the only option.  Accepting your audio difficulties and learning an alternative to just repeating, might make all the difference - but they have to want to, and also do it over and over until its a habit, automatic.  

  • Hyperfocus dude I get it to so focused on a task or routine I'm performing I just blank people or my brains usually thinking of multiple different thoughts all at once so I just zone out and don't recall what somones said to me then forget it it later cause I'm thinking about other random stuff 

  • We can try. It tends to be things that she's upset about, so I'm not sure she'll be in a position to do so.

  • Maybe, but it tends to be when she's upset, so I'm not sure if she'll be able to remember.

  • Perhaps you can't hear what she means to communicate but fails to say? Or perhaps you don't pick up on her facial expressions, body language or tone of voice. Maybe she says 'Don't get me anything for my birthday' then gets upset if you take her literally.

    Hearing what is unsaid is difficult.

  • I can tell you from the upwards of 40 years of experience that a little symbolic logic rescued me. Along side 2 key things: Theatre classes, some improv, some cold reading, among others which aided harnessing my focus and the other thing being yoga or judo - the kind which teaches how to harness focus and continually redirect attention to a muscle or active engagement in one expression/movement.

    From what I understand our brains are a bundle of chaos, and learning to untangle these thoughts or just allow that chaos to form around us while we focus on one thing or task or idea or sentiment takes practice!

    One technique which could be useful, is to find a book or manual which is written in such a way you could envision and engage the imagination. 1. Have your wife read a short sentence, picture it and repeat it back to her. It doesn't have to be verbatim but continue to do this a little every day and it may help!

  • I understand this. I do struggle with listening some time, it's a bit like my brain freezes and won't record what it hears. Can be annoying when I'm being told something important. This happens when I listen to music some time also where I don't really hear it.

    Could your wife tell you that what she's about to say is important so you are prepared and can switch on. I try to get my parents to do this with me.

  • I understand what you mean. I can be somewhere else when someone speaks to me. My son who is also autistic doesn't always hear things. We have learnt to save important things for specific times when he can engage. Is it possible for your wife to write down anything important or can she check with you before saying something?