Published on 12, July, 2020
My wife complains that I don't listen to her until things get so bad that she shouts and/or cries.
I know I can listen, and listen well. I used to be a listening volunteer for the Samaritans, and had no issues listening then. As far as I can tell, the difference is that at Samaritans, I'd put myself in "listening mode" before picking up the phone. We always let it ring a few times before picking up, and we'd use that time to prepare ourselves.
It seems that if I don't consciously get myself ready to listen, I don't really listen, which causes problems.
I've only recently realised that I'm autistic. I've seen advice about helping autistic people do things, but they all seem to revolve around writing down instructions and putting them where they'll be seen at the relevant time. But I can't know in advance when I'll need to properly listen, so that doesn't seem very helpful.
Does anyone have any advice or ideas?
Audio processing difficulties, autism thing, perhaps in a deep self-focus and not processing hearing at all
From what you described, its to do with focussing on yourself, lost in thoughts or what you are doing.
At the Samaritans you had to switch from self-focus to focussing on the call (someone else) and you were fine, but if you are in self-focus and your wife asks you do something, then you might not hear her. You could try focussing on her, where she is, so that you are 'ready' to process what she might say next but that might be a challenge to remember to do and keep doing.
I've and this and partners can find it annoying, so I think its better if other people tap us on the shoulder or something, rather than just using their voice. Repeating things and getting louder may not help as its still verbal so probably won't be processed either, though the intensity of a shout might help it be processed.
People without these difficulties are in a position of only knowing everything working 'correctly' and not having a problem with others, just you, so you need to fix yourself and that is the only option. Accepting your audio difficulties and learning an alternative to just repeating, might make all the difference - but they have to want to, and also do it over and over until its a habit, automatic.