Am I alone in being alone? It feels that way even on here

I've been meaning to start a thread on this for ages, but in a way it's such a big hang-up that I kept delaying it. Bur firemonkey's thread about fitting in has prompted me to have a go at putting some words together on the subject. Because this particular thing often makes me feel disproportionately alone/singular on a forum despite statistics I've seen elsewhere indicating that I shouldn't be. 

The statistic in question: That 44% of 'high-functioning' autistic people are in relationships, and 56% are not. 

When I read that about four months ago, it took a lot of the sense of societal pressure I'd been feeling momentarily off me, as I realised that I'm (within autistic circles) not only less of a minority than I'd be in society generally (where about 16% are in the mid-to long-term single camp at any one time, and about 5% have no real relationship history to speak of), but even part of a majority - the people who (at any given moment at any rate) are autistic and single. Presumably meaning that there's a core constituency of the long-term single somewhat larger than that NT-normative 5%-16% spectrum that I just mentioned.  

So, when I came on here, I expected to see - comfortingly - others like me. Been on their own most of their life, live alone, and so on. 

But nearly everybody on here who initially talks about not connecting well with people, struggling in society, needing a lot of solitude etc. will at some point casually reference a partner, spouse, children. The disconnect always feels strange to me. How did so many socially challenged people end up doing exactly what NTs do so perplexingly easily, and just fall into these highly prescribed, ultra-orthodox relationships and domestic - often marital - situations and why aren't they constantly reacting in puzzlement as to the contradictory nature of their situation? 

I'm aware that that could almost sound like I'm trying to be derogatory about some (overall - life is complicated) lovely - hopefully!- situations for people that in fact I wish them only well with. But, like firemonkey felt about the employment stats/forum as 'proxy' situation (see the 'Not at all sure...' thread), I have an equivalent thing with the above that makes me feel very odd man out, when in theory that 54% weighting towards the contrary should be more detectably present here. 

Am I wrong about that? One factor I should bear in mind is that coupled-up people  (sometimes including 'living apart together's and so on) usually broadcast in real life a continuous hard signal (explicit information about that - wedding ring, who they're walking about with etc.) whereas the unmarried but in a relationship people and the truly single people are - when on solo trips out and about - blended together in complete and equal  ambiguity - either status is completely undetectable at face value unless accompanied by children or somesuch. So you have to rely on probability theory to feel not anomalous when out and about. Eg. in a supermarket with 100 adults in it, 16 of them are in theory invisibly single, as I am (hope that makes sense!). Similarly, online - and very naturally - in referring to their life, a significant other, or children (the two not necessarily going together of course), or perhaps (as - I was sorry to hear - in fremonkey's case) being a widow -  a coupled-up person soon confirms themselves as such. But that seems to be nearly everyone on here, and I can't make the evidence square adequately with the statistic in a way that doesn't leave me feeling like a strange outlier that even many on here would look at as a bit weird for not fitting into the norm more in at least (as if it was so easy!) that respect. It feels kind of lonely, and that a cosmic joke constantly has the objective truth of things hidden in my blind-spot, no matter what mental gymnastics or research I put myself through. 

If there's anyone else on here who is single and comfortable saying so (I'm not trying to smoke you out for some nefarious agenda - that's absolutely not what this is about!) I'd appreciate that, as right now I feel like an alien even among aliens. And feeling so just a tiny bit less would be nice(r).

Parents
  • i have no partner, i only have my parents who i still live with.

    but im buying my own flat now as i got a job and am working on sorting my life out and got work mates now which made a massive improvement i guess. but i doubt id ever have anyone and i still get depressed at home from being alone and i guess that part of us in our mind, that natural human instinct that drives you to wanting a relationship/partner is what causes distress at being alone, if we could surgically remove that part of our brain that pushes us into needing a relationship then perhaps wed be alot happier.

    it feels sad and you just want a person to hug and be comforted by but yet no one will be there for you ever. and being hugged or touched at this point is so rare that it feels weird, i gave a homeless person £20 and they hugged me randomly after it, felt weird, guy at work also was too touchy and immediately made me sorta defensive. just not used to being touched in any way i guess due to lack of any friends or partners. just end up being sad listening to depressing songs while curling up hugging a pillow.

  • Sometimes, we're supposed to be alone. Hopes for a relationship depend on finding a Soulmate, who's on your wavelength.

    My Gran demanded that I marry either a Teacher or Nurse - to keep up with her Sister - so, I ended up a codependent Sucky-Baby. However, I'm learning to do things, now, before it's too late.

    I might have ended up with a snobby control-freak; akin to my Aunt-in-Law. However, I'm listening to my LP copy of Loveless; by My Bloody Valentine. Everything's fine, now. Slight smile

  • Are you still in that relationship now, Desmond? Im guessing no, but mustn’t assume 

  • Yes, I always was single.

  • Oh wait, you mean ‘might’ as in ‘May’ (a hypothetical that didn’t come to pass?) so you’ve always been single? Sorry to push on this, but the less ambiguity in individual responses the more it helps me work out the percentages. 

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  • Oh wait, you mean ‘might’ as in ‘May’ (a hypothetical that didn’t come to pass?) so you’ve always been single? Sorry to push on this, but the less ambiguity in individual responses the more it helps me work out the percentages. 

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