Published on 12, July, 2020
I've been meaning to start a thread on this for ages, but in a way it's such a big hang-up that I kept delaying it. Bur firemonkey's thread about fitting in has prompted me to have a go at putting some words together on the subject. Because this particular thing often makes me feel disproportionately alone/singular on a forum despite statistics I've seen elsewhere indicating that I shouldn't be.
The statistic in question: That 44% of 'high-functioning' autistic people are in relationships, and 56% are not.
When I read that about four months ago, it took a lot of the sense of societal pressure I'd been feeling momentarily off me, as I realised that I'm (within autistic circles) not only less of a minority than I'd be in society generally (where about 16% are in the mid-to long-term single camp at any one time, and about 5% have no real relationship history to speak of), but even part of a majority - the people who (at any given moment at any rate) are autistic and single. Presumably meaning that there's a core constituency of the long-term single somewhat larger than that NT-normative 5%-16% spectrum that I just mentioned.
So, when I came on here, I expected to see - comfortingly - others like me. Been on their own most of their life, live alone, and so on.
But nearly everybody on here who initially talks about not connecting well with people, struggling in society, needing a lot of solitude etc. will at some point casually reference a partner, spouse, children. The disconnect always feels strange to me. How did so many socially challenged people end up doing exactly what NTs do so perplexingly easily, and just fall into these highly prescribed, ultra-orthodox relationships and domestic - often marital - situations and why aren't they constantly reacting in puzzlement as to the contradictory nature of their situation?
I'm aware that that could almost sound like I'm trying to be derogatory about some (overall - life is complicated) lovely - hopefully!- situations for people that in fact I wish them only well with. But, like firemonkey felt about the employment stats/forum as 'proxy' situation (see the 'Not at all sure...' thread), I have an equivalent thing with the above that makes me feel very odd man out, when in theory that 54% weighting towards the contrary should be more detectably present here.
Am I wrong about that? One factor I should bear in mind is that coupled-up people (sometimes including 'living apart together's and so on) usually broadcast in real life a continuous hard signal (explicit information about that - wedding ring, who they're walking about with etc.) whereas the unmarried but in a relationship people and the truly single people are - when on solo trips out and about - blended together in complete and equal ambiguity - either status is completely undetectable at face value unless accompanied by children or somesuch. So you have to rely on probability theory to feel not anomalous when out and about. Eg. in a supermarket with 100 adults in it, 16 of them are in theory invisibly single, as I am (hope that makes sense!). Similarly, online - and very naturally - in referring to their life, a significant other, or children (the two not necessarily going together of course), or perhaps (as - I was sorry to hear - in fremonkey's case) being a widow - a coupled-up person soon confirms themselves as such. But that seems to be nearly everyone on here, and I can't make the evidence square adequately with the statistic in a way that doesn't leave me feeling like a strange outlier that even many on here would look at as a bit weird for not fitting into the norm more in at least (as if it was so easy!) that respect. It feels kind of lonely, and that a cosmic joke constantly has the objective truth of things hidden in my blind-spot, no matter what mental gymnastics or research I put myself through.
If there's anyone else on here who is single and comfortable saying so (I'm not trying to smoke you out for some nefarious agenda - that's absolutely not what this is about!) I'd appreciate that, as right now I feel like an alien even among aliens. And feeling so just a tiny bit less would be nice(r).
Good question. In my own case, I think it was due to extensive masking, often fuelled by large quantities of alcohol in social contexts. And I have been known to have the odd "Saga" moment too. There's this scene in The Bridge where she just goes into a pub on her own because she wants sex. And I spent a great deal of time modelling myself on girls like that. The "It Girls" I'd seen in newspapers left lying around, the models in magazines, the women from the Milk Tray or Cadbury's flake or Gold Blend adverts, the "friends" i had who seemed so successful with boys. I became an amalgam of these and the trope of the "manic pixie dream girl" is something I find really unsettling - it's so accurate that I almost feel personally accused!
None of it was actually me though and I got through a fair number of relationships before I accidentally met the one that stuck - my husband who is probably himself autistic.
One telling moment, which occurred when the mask dropped, with a partner who was somewhat more sensitive than the rest. I felt very relaxed and almost like myself when he said, looking surprised and even startled, "You're not how I thought you'd be". It ended when he told me that I was just a dream.
I feel sad about it all now. I tried so hard to be someone else. And so I know that while it's often possible to "infiltrate" the NT world, this is often accompanied by feeling terribly alone inside. And one of my sons said something along those lines, when things just fell apart for him and I tried to reassure him that he'd always been so popular and gregarious. He looked really sad and said, "Yes, but I always felt different inside."
Appearances can be very deceptive. I was always an alien inside and I just kept going until I met another alien. And sadly, without alcohol, this would never have happened.