Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm looking for some advice or for you to tell me how you would feel in this situation.
My partner is autistic with PDA. We have a wonderful relationship. As time goes on I am learning to do things how he needs them done, we are working as a team and generally doing well. We have our spats but who doesn't?
However sex has stopped. We have been together for 2 years now and sex was always something we both loved and appeared to enjoy.
I firstly put it down to stress at work for him & the run up to Xmas. His work load is heavy and stressful and any event/bday/xmas is also very stressful for him. But that having had past now nothing has changed. I'm not concerned for my relationship as he is so loving. Cuddles me, kisses me, holds my hand etc. Will show affection in a number of different ways. But I would like to try and understand why he no longer would like sex. Now the easy answer to this is to ask him......I've tried but he instantly becomes unsettled and says "I just don't want to"
Has anyone been in these circumstance themselves? How would of you liked your partner to approach it?
The PDA I feel impacts here massively as I feel he knows he should tell me but he can't.
I'm doing my best but as time goes on I can't help thinking it's me, him not finding me attractive any longer, something I'm doing wrong etc. I try so hard not to think like this is I'm 90% sure this isn't the case but it's hard and some days very exhausting.
Any suggestions are welcome and I really appreciate you reading this fair. x
Was he so busy at Christmas that he actually became properly burnt out? That can take quite a long time to recover from even after the triggers have passed and life has calmed down again, might be worth looking at some blogs or articles where people have written about their experience of autistic burnout and see if anything relates. With the PDA side of things it may be best to actually completely let it go and see if he gets back in the mood, the worst thing you can do is nag or keep talking about it or giving out the impression that you’re expecting sex for whatever reason as that will make the avoidance worse. PDA isn’t just about kids not wanting to tidy their room/brush teeth when they’re told etc it can extend to any demand or expectation, even things that are enjoyable. I find it can be quite subtle as well to the extent I didn’t realise I had some PDA traits until a read an Instagram post. I always thought it was more of a strong reaction like telling people to F off if they asked you to do something
Thank you, I am doing my best to stop talking about it. My concern here is that his view of himself at times can become really quite low and I never want him to feel unwanted/unloved as that certainly isn't the case.
He definitely had a 100% burnout. I will do some.more reading on this.
I hadn't looked at the PDA from the view re enjoyable things but thinking about it now he does that in other areas too. Really appreciate you commenting thank you x