Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm looking for some advice or for you to tell me how you would feel in this situation.
My partner is autistic with PDA. We have a wonderful relationship. As time goes on I am learning to do things how he needs them done, we are working as a team and generally doing well. We have our spats but who doesn't?
However sex has stopped. We have been together for 2 years now and sex was always something we both loved and appeared to enjoy.
I firstly put it down to stress at work for him & the run up to Xmas. His work load is heavy and stressful and any event/bday/xmas is also very stressful for him. But that having had past now nothing has changed. I'm not concerned for my relationship as he is so loving. Cuddles me, kisses me, holds my hand etc. Will show affection in a number of different ways. But I would like to try and understand why he no longer would like sex. Now the easy answer to this is to ask him......I've tried but he instantly becomes unsettled and says "I just don't want to"
Has anyone been in these circumstance themselves? How would of you liked your partner to approach it?
The PDA I feel impacts here massively as I feel he knows he should tell me but he can't.
I'm doing my best but as time goes on I can't help thinking it's me, him not finding me attractive any longer, something I'm doing wrong etc. I try so hard not to think like this is I'm 90% sure this isn't the case but it's hard and some days very exhausting.
Any suggestions are welcome and I really appreciate you reading this fair. x
At least you are talking about the problem, that is a good thing. I think that it is always difficult when one partner has a higher sex drive than the other - I'm autistic and have a much higher sex drive than my NT wife. The problem is moving them from their 'steady state' of bodily comfort over into wanting to get into the process of having sex - which obviously takes them out of 'just being comfortable'. If I knew how to do this reliably, I would have a lot more sex myself. The other possibility, which affects most men at some time or other, is 'performance anxiety', essentially centred around gaining and maintaining an erection. This can be lessened by negotiating intimacy with the aim of giving each other pleasure, but avoiding the expectation of penetrative sex. That way performance anxiety is neutralised and you both experience intimacy. In time, this can overcome the performance anxiety completely.
What threw me was our sex drives appeared to be the same and we were matching to an extent that amazed me.
I have read about performance anxiety and did wonder about this as he sees himself often to be not good enough. He is a very good looking guy but hates it when people say it and when he gets any attention from that. He uses me as his body guard/get lost in my trying to avoid this.
Thanks so much for replying x