Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I'm looking for some advice or for you to tell me how you would feel in this situation.
My partner is autistic with PDA. We have a wonderful relationship. As time goes on I am learning to do things how he needs them done, we are working as a team and generally doing well. We have our spats but who doesn't?
However sex has stopped. We have been together for 2 years now and sex was always something we both loved and appeared to enjoy.
I firstly put it down to stress at work for him & the run up to Xmas. His work load is heavy and stressful and any event/bday/xmas is also very stressful for him. But that having had past now nothing has changed. I'm not concerned for my relationship as he is so loving. Cuddles me, kisses me, holds my hand etc. Will show affection in a number of different ways. But I would like to try and understand why he no longer would like sex. Now the easy answer to this is to ask him......I've tried but he instantly becomes unsettled and says "I just don't want to"
Has anyone been in these circumstance themselves? How would of you liked your partner to approach it?
The PDA I feel impacts here massively as I feel he knows he should tell me but he can't.
I'm doing my best but as time goes on I can't help thinking it's me, him not finding me attractive any longer, something I'm doing wrong etc. I try so hard not to think like this is I'm 90% sure this isn't the case but it's hard and some days very exhausting.
Any suggestions are welcome and I really appreciate you reading this fair. x
Just read your post. I cant say for sure whats going on in your partners mind as all autistic people are different but what he is doing chimes with some of my own experiences.
I have a very high sex drive and sometimes want sex very often, which suits my wife as she has an incredibly high sex drive. However, despite this I go through long periods when I do not want sex at all and when me and my wife were first together this was very difficult for her, she couldnt understand why and often felt that I didnt find her attractive, particularly as I was still able to do masturbation even when I wasnt able to have sex.
The reason for this is that sex is a very demanding thing for an autistic person. It is the ultimate form of social interaction with another human being. Often we find conversations with people a challenge so you can imagine how difficult something as intimate as sex can be. It is also a massive sensory overload, all the different sounds and smells and things we feel. I myslef go through periods when it is easy for me and I can do it all the time and periods when it is really difficult and I cant do it at all, often when I am going through overwhelming situations in other areas of my life but not always. I dont know but maybe your partner is going through something similar? If it is then when he is less burned out or overwhelmed then maybe he will be able to have sex again
The only advice I can give is whatever you do dont pressure him or ask him when hes going to have sex with you again. That will make him feel like there is expectation on him to do it and then it will be even harder for him to. Just keep up a dialoge about it, be open with your feelings about sex and let him know it is a safe space for him to be honest about his. Communication is the most important thing
Thank you so much for your reply. This sounds SO much like the case for us. The reassurance you have given me is massive. And I really hope this is the case.
He's been under alot of pressure with work and a few things changing in life.
I love him loads and want to just help him but I understand that it's not that easy.
This is a personal question and I understand if you don't feel you can answer. How do you/would you feel if your wife is self pleasuring while you are in the spell.
Thanks again x
So glad that I was able to help. The fact that you clearly love each other should be enough to get you through this. Its not easy but hopefully you will both find a way that works for you
Im happy to answer your question. I am happy for my wife to self pleasure when Im going through these times, its important to me that she can still get some pleasure and relaxation. I even encouraged her to buy some toys to help her de- stress
The only thing I would say is just make sure he knows that your self pleasure time is not a replacement for him or sex with him, its just a way of de-stressing and satisfying your sex drive. Masturbation can help in this situation as it takes the pressure off and then he can have sex when hes ready