Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi, I am feeling very isolated and depressed about not fitting in at work. There was an incident on Friday which made me feel very excluded and made me more aware of how isolated I am- I thought I had got over it but I am not coping at all and feeling extremely out of place.
I work in a lab (where I am meant to do a PhD) since September- On Friday I was asked last minute to image some samples on the microscope for someone else, which was a bit stressful and frustrating as I had offered to do so before and I had specifically planned to work all evening to finally get some of my own work done- the microscope was only free from 5 afternoon onwards on the Friday and I had planned this since the week before. So I started off with the other person's samples and of course ran into an error with the microscope, which I was struggling to solve (I'm new to this microscope)- the person that I was helping then just left me alone to troubleshoot and image their samples - turns out he went to have dinner at a Chinese restaurant with everyone else from the lab whilst I was left on my own to sort out the microscope and take images of his samples. I don't think it was deliberately unkind and I did remember then that they had mentioned something about a dinner on the Friday at the beginning of the week (no details) and that person did know that I struggle with social events and eating out and I had said that if they did plan something to not look out for me specifically with the time but to please let me know so that I could spontaneously decide if I felt up to joining. So I feel like this is my own fault and not an unkindness by others but I still felt awful and very alone and isolated. I also feel guilty that I was frustrated about having to help out- I think it's because over the past months I spent a lot of time helping everyone so that I ended up completely burnt out and never got my own work done- I just wish I had known about this work that the other person needed sooner so that I could have planned but I think the person probably also didn't know that this needed to be done urgently.
However this incident has just made me realise that I feel very apart and do not feel like I am part of the group. When I first joined the lab everyone just ate at their desk quickly whenever they had a few free minutes. I was off sick for quite a while and when I came back new people had joined that lab and it has become a habit now for people to sit together to have their lunch together. I find this quite overwhelming so it took me a while to even try sitting with them for a bit (I find eating with others very difficult but I just joined them after)- I tried twice to sit with everyone but it made me feel really stressed out- I could not connect to the topics being talked about and had a very strong urge to leave. It reminded me of feeling like the odd one out at school.
Also tomorrow a lab pizza evening is meant to happen to celebrate a recent publication- everyone seems to be really looking forward to it and I should be too but I just feel very stressed out by it- it just makes me feel weird and abnormal that I am stressed about it and I don't know why I find all this so hard- I just don't want to/ feel up to joining. I already struggle whenever we have a piece of birthday cake together for someone's birthday. I have now also found out that everyone is expected to be at the pizza party (mandatory) and this makes me feel super uncomfortable as I had hoped I could either not join or just join very briefly.
I feel very sad and lonely and isolated. The people I work with are very nice but I feel out of place. It's been so much harder since I left Cambridge (where I went to university)- I was different/weird there too but there were lots of people that were different in various ways so I fit in and I found some likeminded people and made some very close friends (which I am still in touch with virtually). Also in my previous labs I connected very well with some of the people and I felt much more included- I am still friends with previous lab members and we had great times together (takeaways together in evenings and lots and lots of fun discussions about science). I don't know if it is because I am so depressed and burnt out that I am struggling so much to fit in here or if I just don't fit in this group. I miss Cambridge so much. This weekend has been very tough- I thought I was ok but I have been so depressed that I just ended up comfort eating and binging which made me feel even more awful: I struggle a lot with food- I recently unintentionally ended up extremely underweight as I struggle with digestion, lack of appetite, ARFID type issues and end up if I am not careful eating the same handful of foods over and over- I did manage to gain back all the weight while off from work (I was so unwell I was almost hospitalised) but I also struggle with overeating and binging when I am stressed as I try to seek comfort and self soothe. I am also so frustrated that whenever I seem to try and listen to appetite and do not have digestive issues I end up loosing weight... this then also results in overeating out of frustration, more nausea and more overeating as I get very out of touch with my body and feel nauseous anyways so that I don't care if I feel even worse. Sorry I am disgressing... but it is all a huge mess.
I just don't know what to do as I feel so utterly alone and out of place at work, not to mention incompetent. I am not my usual self and haven't been able to work as well as usual and just haven't achieved much the past months. I feel lost and like a failure. I am so unhappy and I miss Cambridge dreadfully (probably also a sign of my unhappiness- maybe it wouldn't be much better there, though I do think things would be easier- it is so much harder here to fit in and meet people here). I also haven't been sleeping much the past days which is not helping with a positive mindset- I just feel so nauseous and stressed all the time-maybe that is why I don't sleep...
I don't know what to do about my feelings of isolation at work- I don't know if I can fit in here at work- I didn't have such a hard time in previous labs. I am so deenergised and burnt out that I am struggling to try harder to fit in- I have no energy for masking at the moment. I don't know what to do.
I'm really sorry for the long post, I think I just really needed to talk about this- feeling very low right now.
I forgot to mention- I am most likely autistic, but still awaiting diagnosis - so people at work do not know about this (except one person that I confided in a while back).
I think that there's just a lot of situations that you encountered that make you feel like you are lacking or not good enough, and it's overwhelming you.
I can see with ARFID and a combination of social anxiety and food anxiety can make it difficult to eat around others, especially at a party or at an event of some kind, or just at lunch time together. Your two biggest challenges are with people and with food, and at these meet ups, both of your fears are there at the same place, and it's just a lot for you to handle.
I mean, it's really hard to feel comfortable being the way you are, when everyone around you does things like socialize and go to parties, while they leave you alone to struggle in the lab by yourself. The thing is, for that guy who needed the microscope photos done, and it's only available after 5pm, I'd hate to say it, but if that was so important, then he should have stayed and finished it, and not chosen to go to some party, while you stressed out to finish it for him. That's not fair that you have to pick up the slack for everyone. If they are so good then why can't they finish their own work? I mean you feel incompetant, but you're actually taking the time to finish their work and yours, while they go out partying without you. Likely, you know more and have more experience than they do.
I have ups and downs with food too, so I have back ups, like liquid meal replacements, multivitamins and suppliments, because I often don't eat enough food either and I don't have much of an appetite. I mean after reading some of the symptoms of ARFID, it sounds similar to what I have been struggling with. I don't have body image issues or the desire to lose weight, I just don't really have much of an appetite.
Thanks for your reply. It's so true that social situation plus eating socially is a stressful combination for me. Like you I don't have a desire to loose weight or body image issues, but I just struggle to eat enough at times though now I also end up stress eating too when I am upset or stressed- medical professionals often didn't believe me that I don't have anorexia nervosa and that I am not deliberately trying to loose weight which was quite damaging and it actually made my problems worse- I was so frustrated at times that even my eating issues didn't seem to fit the norm and I think I spent a long time trying to fix something that just didn't apply (it actually indirectly pushed me towards the binging). Since I joined this forum, I've met so many people that seem to experience ARFID-type issues around food- it's sad that many professionals are not more aware of these issues.
I'm still feeling very sad about what happened, though I do feel a little bit better as I talked to someone else from my lab that seems to be very kind- I broke down crying in the office and he reassured me that they didn't deliberately exclude me (he was also at the dinner) and that they do like me. It made me feel a bit better. I tried to also talk to the person that abandoned me with their work that evening but he didn't respond much so I am not sure what that means (he is not so talkative). In his defence, he has been under a lot of strain over the past weeks (staying overnight on many occasions) so that might have contributed.
I'm not resilient at the moment as I am too burnt out... I had to stay overnight from Monday to Tuesday to help out with a project and I am struggling with this kind of thing at the moment. I think the worst is that I don't feel like a lot of what I do has meaning / makes sense (I mean I did the best I could in the overnight action but I am not sure it did things justice). There are other issues too (not sure about project, if there is enough support, some dodgy practices) and I am deeply unhappy at the moment. I don't know if the problem lies with me or with work though as I am so depressed and burnt out... maybe I would struggle anywhere at the moment. The only time I remember being happy in the past years was when I was off hiking and backpacking (which I haven't been able to do for 3 years now due to injury). Sorry, I am rambling now.
Thank you for your reply- It really helps me to know that I am not alone and that there are other people that understand these challenges.
Maybe you are lacking vitamin D from sunlight? I mean if you were happy when you went hiking and backpacking before, maybe even going on short walks in nature would help boost your mood, digestion, and all sorts of other things, and the warmth from sunlight can be really soothing to anxious nerves. Maybe even taking a vitamin D supplement might help boost your mood. (I say this, but I stay indoors a lot, and cover up in sunlight! lol)
Please remember to treat yourself kindly and take good care of yourself. Take breaks, drink water, eat food, get enough rest, these things are so hard to do, but remember to do them! (I always have to remind myself to do these things too),