Not fitting in at work- feeling isolated

Maybe you are lacking vitamin D from sunlight? I mean if you were happy when you went hiking and backpacking before, maybe even going on short walks in nature would help boost your mood, digestion, and all sorts of other things, and the warmth from sunlight can be really soothing to anxious nerves. Maybe even taking a vitamin D supplement might help boost your mood. (I say this, but I stay indoors a lot, and cover up in sunlight! lol)

Please remember to treat yourself kindly and take good care of yourself. Take breaks, drink water, eat food, get enough rest, these things are so hard to do, but remember to do them! (I always have to remind myself to do these things too),

Very good point :) I think I might do that!! 

One person excused themselves this time, so it can be you next time. Call in sick on pizza day.

Ann :) said:

Saying 'no' is really something I need to get better at.

Especially if they don't give you even few seconds to say it, demanding answer right now, and if you do somehow say no right away they continue pushing you to change your mind, that was my ex-boss.

Yesterday I managed to ask a collegaue to stop calling me while at work if he has nothing to say, he found it amusing, while for me it was distractful and annoying because every time I had to stop working and turn towards him to ask him if there is something he needs from me.

Hi Dawn, Thanks for you support. The pizza party was actually postponed (because one person couldn't attend and they want everyone to be present)- I was told quite clearly that I have to be present, which I also don't think is right. It makes me want to attend even less. My employers and supervisors do not know about my autism (as I am still waiting for the official assessment). The date for the new pizza event has not yet been set- maybe I will just try to make a quick appearance but I don't feel comfortable with this being mandatory. 

Saying 'no' is really something I need to get better at. At the moment I am struggling a lot- feeling so burnt out and struggling with motivation- I am deeply unhappy about my life and I think I need to change something- I just worried that I am the problem and that I would struggle no matter where I went- at this point I am so burnt out and probably just hyper-focused on the negatives. But maybe I am also not in the right/best place for me- there are several things I am unhappy with at work- I am meant to stay in my current place for a PhD for the next 4 years or so which is a long time- I am not enrolled yet, so I should probably consider alternatives- I'm just lacking the energy at the moment and also feel so bad about leaving (as I feel like my supervisors have accepted me as part of the team. Also at the beginning I was happy. And I am not sure if it is just me being the problem and maybe I would feel differently if I had a rest). 

I have messaged a few of my friends and hopefully will chat with some of them this weekend- I am so lucky to have good friends even if they live in different countries (but I actually quite like virtual socialising). 

Thanks again for your support!! 

Thanks for your reply. It's so true that social situation plus eating socially is a stressful combination for me. Like you I don't have a desire to loose weight or body image issues, but I just struggle to eat enough at times though now I also end up stress eating too when I am upset or stressed- medical professionals often didn't believe me that I don't have anorexia nervosa and that I am not deliberately trying to loose weight which was quite damaging and it actually made my problems worse- I was so frustrated at times that even my eating issues didn't seem to fit the norm and I think I spent a long time trying to fix something that just didn't apply (it actually indirectly pushed me towards the binging). Since I joined this forum, I've met so many people that seem to experience ARFID-type issues around food- it's sad that many professionals are not more aware of these issues. 

I'm still feeling very sad about what happened, though I do feel a little bit better as I talked to someone else from my lab that seems to be very kind- I broke down crying in the office and he reassured me that they didn't deliberately exclude me (he was also at the dinner) and that they do like me. It made me feel a bit better. I tried to also talk to the person that abandoned me with their work that evening but he didn't respond much so I am not sure what that means (he is not so talkative). In his defence, he has been under a lot of strain over the past weeks (staying overnight on many occasions) so that might have contributed. 

I'm not resilient at the moment as I am too burnt out... I had to stay overnight from Monday to Tuesday to help out with a project and I am struggling with this kind of thing at the moment. I think the worst is that I don't feel like a lot of what I do has meaning / makes sense (I mean I did the best I could in the overnight action but I am not sure it did things justice). There are other issues too (not sure about project, if there is enough support, some dodgy practices) and I am deeply unhappy at the moment. I don't know if the problem lies with me or with work though as I am so depressed and burnt out... maybe I would struggle anywhere at the moment. The only time I remember being happy in the past years was when I was off hiking and backpacking (which I haven't been able to do for 3 years now due to injury). Sorry, I am rambling now.

Thank you for your reply- It really helps me to know that I am not alone and that there are other people that understand these challenges. 

I'm sorry you are having such a tough time.

Can you have a chat to your manager about all this? It's hard to say what your colleagues motives are: did they just not realise the stress they were putting you under to do their tests or did they take advantage 'cos they wanted a chinese meal. Hmmm, either way, it is ok to say 'no', when your own work load is too high.

Generally, I think you need to be planning a sustainable work load with your manager. It won't help them if they allow you to get burned out.

As for the social side, that should NEVER be mandatory. There are all sorts of people who don't want to participate in these things for all sorts of reasons; cultural or religious or because they have carer responsibilities to rush home to or because they are autistic and it's agony. No ones job progress should be contingent on the office party. Would they expect participation of a Muslim colleague who was fasting, or the person with a new born at home keeping them up all night? NTs sometimes think this is team playing or team building, but don't realise they can actually be excluding some members of the team. Your manager needs to be aware.

Meanwhile, how about some vit supplements or build up drinks to balance out the diet and do spend time talking to your old friends from university and your old lab. Sounds like you have some good ones there and friendships like that can last a lifetime and sustain you through a lot.

Just posting as I can relate to the feeling of not fitting in at work.  My worst time for this was when working at a software supplier from 1997-2002 where the other young lads around my age were really "alpha-male" while I wasn't, and had things in common which I didn't, the boss criticised me for "not fitting in", "you're not one of the lads are you", "you don't play football with them" etc etc and that it was entirely me who "had to improve my communication" (noting that I hadn't declared my Aspergers to that employer at that time).  Kate Kestrel made a particularly good point though:

Kate Kestrel said:

You made friends at Uni though - so you obviously can form good relationships when the conditions and the people are suited to you. There are no easy answers in this scenario but please don’t blame yourself. Remember that a relationship has two sides to it - it’s not necessarily just YOU - maybe these colleagues lack some social skills themselves?

I am fortunate to enjoy a friendly active life in the northern soul music and modern jive dancing scenes, my niche situations when the conditions and the people are suited to me.  Kate's point that these colleagues lack some social skills themselves is a way I look back at those colleagues, their ostracism was a bad social skill on THEIR part, and siding with those cliques while criticising me also a bad social skill on the boss's part.

Ann :) said:

Everyone is expected to be at the pizza party (mandatory)

I realise this will have been and gone now, but wanted to say things like this being 'mandatory' in any workplace annoy me, if it is out of hours and 'mandatory' it should be 'overtime' and paid as such.  Eating out isn't my own forte either so can empathise.

He has so much wonderful, common sense advice - very very helpful! 

Kate Kestrel said:

The Dalai Lama says that when you have have problem: consider if there is a solution to the problem: if there is something you can do to help it then you don’t need to worry, and if there’s nothing you can do to help it then there’s also no point in worrying about it because there’s nothing you can do anyway! 

I love it

Yes - I think things like this feel more magnified when we’re already feeling fragile. You were probably way above your normal baseline of anxiety etc already - way before this thing at work with this (slightly lazy!) scientist even happened. 
You are very fortunate too in that you have the qualifications etc that will enable you to find other work elsewhere if you eventually decide that this Lab isn’t for you. Some workplaces just have a better culture than other - maybe the social ‘chemistry’ of this particular workplace isn’t a good fit for you (you’ve obviously been happy in other Labs so it’s not just you).

I think you’re right that self esteem issues lie behind a lot of our worries with social anxiety. I have this issue a lot. Ultimately though we can only be true to ourselves - and be kind and friendly to others. If that’s not enough for them then frankly there’s nothing you can do and it’s not worth worrying too much about.

The Dalai Lama says that when you have have problem: consider if there is a solution to the problem: if there is something you can do to help it then you don’t need to worry, and if there’s nothing you can do to help it then there’s also no point in worrying about it because there’s nothing you can do anyway! 
Good advice I think :) 

Hope you have a good week !

Thank you so much for your support. I don't know why this affected me so much. I am very happy that I have good friends that I can talk to virtually and friends on this forum.

I really loved the lab work in the past and I think part of that was because I felt so much more included in the world of science-  I fit much better than in other aspects of life- Maybe I was just very lucky- I wasn't that long in my previous labs: 6months and 9 months, but I fit in much better- I am still friends with former lab members too and they have been very supportive over the past months. Maybe I will feel more included with time, I'm not sure. Maybe I have to lower my expectations. I think I am in a very fragile state at the moment so I am not dealing with things well. 

If things don't work out here in the long term (as this is not sure yet anyways) I might look at finding a PhD position in the Uk or in Cambridge. A holiday might be nice too, though I think I lack the energy to travel at the moment- maybe in the summer. 

You are right that we need to try to care less about what others think- It's so hard though and it requires a certain degree of self-esteem- I will do my best and hopefully will feel less depressed and stronger soon. 

Thank you so much for your support ! I have to do some work now :) look forward to messaging again soon ! 

btw you sound like a very reasonable person, logically approaching any and all situations. I like that kind of thinking.

And that was not even hiding that he is using you, obnoxious

you can have fun some other time, and then tell them how good it felt, and that you're sorry they were not there

Yes I can relate to the struggle of trying to put on some weight/ struggling to not loose weight- If I do not eat 3 full meals and 3 snacks a day, I also loose weight and even then it is not always sufficient... Though I sometimes then just get so frustrated with this that I resort to binge eating and comfort eating. Great that you finally managed to put on some weight :) I can relate to that struggle :). 

I was probably extremely lucky in my previous lab placements that I fitted in so well- Especially in my undergraduate lab I would have rather been in the lab than at home. But I must have been very lucky, maybe I need to lower my expectations here- I think the incident on Friday evening just really dragged me down as I thought that person and I got along well and it felt horrible to be left alone and struggling at work while everyone else was off to have fun. 

I think that there's just a lot of situations that you encountered that make you feel like you are lacking or not good enough, and it's overwhelming you. 

I can see with ARFID and a combination of social anxiety and food anxiety can make it difficult to eat around others, especially at a party or at an event of some kind, or just at lunch time together. Your two biggest challenges are with people and with food, and at these meet ups, both of your fears are there at the same place, and it's just a lot for you to handle. 

I mean, it's really hard to feel comfortable being the way you are, when everyone around you does things like socialize and go to parties, while they leave you alone to struggle in the lab by yourself. The thing is, for that guy who needed the microscope photos done, and it's only available after 5pm, I'd hate to say it, but if that was so important, then he should have stayed and finished it, and not chosen to go to some party, while you stressed out to finish it for him. That's not fair that you have to pick up the slack for everyone. If they are so good then why can't they finish their own work? I mean you feel incompetant, but you're actually taking the time to finish their work and yours, while they go out partying without you. Likely, you know more and have more experience than they do. 

I have ups and downs with food too, so I have back ups, like liquid meal replacements, multivitamins and suppliments, because I often don't eat enough food either and I don't have much of an appetite. I mean after reading some of the symptoms of ARFID, it sounds similar to what I have been struggling with. I don't have body image issues or the desire to lose weight, I just don't really have much of an appetite. 

Hi Ann,

I’m sorry this is weighing on you so heavily. I can understand why of course - it is such a normal experience for many (probably most) autistic people. It’s so hard to not feel hurt and excluded in situations like this. 

I’m so sorry that this is making you feel sad and lonely - but trust me you are not alone, you have this community and you also have your other friends online and from Cambridge. You’ve not been at this Lab that long in many ways (much less time than you were at Uni)  - so perhaps there’s still time to build some friendships at your Lab? In some ways it is still early days, Plus you’ve been unwell recently - so that will impact on your ability to be more sociable. Don’t blame yourself or feel like a failure - the way you feel is completely understandable. You have many many strengths and whilst it might be true that social skills might not be one of them sometimes - that is not your fault. You’re autistic - you’re neurologically different - this gives you many advantages but it is also true that it brings with it some disadvantages too. You made friends at Uni though - so you obviously can form good relationships when the conditions and the people are suited to you. 
There are no easy answers in this scenario but please don’t blame yourself. Remember that a relationship has two sides to it - it’s not necessarily just YOU - maybe these colleagues lack some social skills themselves?! They certainly haven’t made you feel very welcome - maybe THEY could do better?!  

Please take comfort from the fact that lots of people on here completely understand, and that most people (and not just autistic people) have felt like this at some point. 

From all I have read in your messages you are an extremely intelligent and resourceful person and I’m sure you’ll find a way to work your way through this in time. 
I always like the thing that Anthony Hopkins apparently says to himself when he finds himself worrying about what people think of him - he says: “What other people think of me is none of my business!”.

we need to try to care less about what people think of us. We have to be true to ourselves. 

If you are missing Cambridge so much do you think you could take a holiday from work and have a week in Cambridge maybe? 

Will reply to your message tomorrow Ann,

take care x 

Hi

I made it through so it wasn't that long

Fitting at work rarely happen for us, don't feel bad when it doesn't. it isn't norm for us. just stick to your online friends. physical contact isn't a must either

Sleeping pattern as well, I find it impossible to follow cicadian system. if i try i end up with insomnia

It could be your mood is greatly influences by your eating In my country of origin there is saying ''Hungry man is an angry man''. But the fact is going around humgry, with empty stomache doesn't make you happy. I struggle with eating enough to keep wheight too, It turns out if I eat something like a sandwich less often than 4h, and 3 big dinner size meals during a deal I start feeling low and losing weight. and bing eating for comfort too. I had 54 snicker bars one evening once. I could eat more but I had all I had stacked in a drawer by bed. I burnt it too. It took me years to increase my body weight from 8 stones at 18 y.o; to 13 stones now.