Universal Credit

I don't have any social worker or anything like that with me right now.

Since I left school I effectively been managing myself in the 'real world' as it were. I was employed for seven years sort of just comfortably coasting on auto pilot between 2011 and 2018. The real deterioration started to hit in 2018 when I lost that job due to a combination of stress from a 'consultation process' regarding change of work processes/redundancy proceedings etc.

I feel like I have worked hard to put on a mask to function at work and in life on general. I actually looked after myself and kind of managed OK for a long period. I was not too bad looking, I looked perfectly normal but just had a peculiar and sometime strange way of acting in terms of body language and way I express myself. Not making eye contact correctly. That sort of thing. I cycled a lot and found this kept me sane and was a way to sometimes blow of stress. But since leaving longer term work, over time, I've deteriorated as I keep saying. It's something that gets worse over a long time. A sort of repeating loop of good days/bad days/good weeks/bad weeks.. except the bad weeks are becoming more common and have turned into many weeks and only short spells where I can bring myself back up again. I've put on weight a little overall recent years and am losing confidence. It's horrible really.

Part of my issue is I don't have much idea what I am good at, what I want to do. My education was dismal and I do beat myself up about it. The area I'm from doesn't help, as its frankly poor for education  standards so my own issues kind of condemned me I guess. It's painful to think about because I feel that my school years were what ultimately messed me up from the start. In my opinion I was put in the wrong schools at most stages.

My issues were not understood really when I was younger - pre diagnoses. I was not diagnosed with Autism until 13/14 and Autism back in the 90s/early 00s was less understood and in the public space.

Fundamentally I don't think I'm incapable of functioning well, but I do need support to manage anxiety as its something which can really mess me up and it's a long term thing that can get worse without support. I know this.

Being 30 I'm unable to access a lot of the support that has to be given to those younger people by law. And honestly the support available when I was a kid seems far less than apparently is now being offered today. I don't know. I think ultimately I was failed by the system and have until now just trued to make the best of the cards I'm given. But I am really starting to lose myself recently. It's like my life is beginning to spiral a bit out of control.

I do speak to Mum a little. She understands and tries to help I think. She can't really do much really at this point. I feel bad for her that I am more of a burden than anything. I feel very bad about the whole thing. I'm just existing right now. The future seems pretty grim. No prospect of decent employment, high debts, no prospect of any sort of quality of life to work towards. Can't make friends, have no connections, no prospect of a girlfriend.. you know.. I sound like a broken record so I'd stop for now. Hopefully I've articulated my feeling is a somewhat understandable manner.

I don't have any social worker or anything like that with me right now.

Since I left school I effectively been managing myself in the 'real world' as it were. I was employed for seven years sort of just comfortably coasting on auto pilot between 2011 and 2018. The real deterioration started to hit in 2018 when I lost that job due to a combination of stress from a 'consultation process' regarding change of work processes/redundancy proceedings etc.

I feel like I have worked hard to put on a mask to function at work and in life on general. I actually looked after myself and kind of managed OK for a long period. I was not too bad looking, I looked perfectly normal but just had a peculiar and sometime strange way of acting in terms of body language and way I express myself. Not making eye contact correctly. That sort of thing. I cycled a lot and found this kept me sane and was a way to sometimes blow of stress. But since leaving longer term work, over time, I've deteriorated as I keep saying. It's something that gets worse over a long time. A sort of repeating loop of good days/bad days/good weeks/bad weeks.. except the bad weeks are becoming more common and have turned into many weeks and only short spells where I can bring myself back up again. I've put on weight a little overall recent years and am losing confidence. It's horrible really.

Part of my issue is I don't have much idea what I am good at, what I want to do. My education was dismal and I do beat myself up about it. The area I'm from doesn't help, as its frankly poor for education  standards so my own issues kind of condemned me I guess. It's painful to think about because I feel that my school years were what ultimately messed me up from the start. In my opinion I was put in the wrong schools at most stages.

My issues were not understood really when I was younger - pre diagnoses. I was not diagnosed with Autism until 13/14 and Autism back in the 90s/early 00s was less understood and in the public space.

Fundamentally I don't think I'm incapable of functioning well, but I do need support to manage anxiety as its something which can really mess me up and it's a long term thing that can get worse without support. I know this.

Being 30 I'm unable to access a lot of the support that has to be given to those younger people by law. And honestly the support available when I was a kid seems far less than apparently is now being offered today. I don't know. I think ultimately I was failed by the system and have until now just trued to make the best of the cards I'm given. But I am really starting to lose myself recently. It's like my life is beginning to spiral a bit out of control.

I do speak to Mum a little. She understands and tries to help I think. She can't really do much really at this point. I feel bad for her that I am more of a burden than anything. I feel very bad about the whole thing. I'm just existing right now. The future seems pretty grim. No prospect of decent employment, high debts, no prospect of any sort of quality of life to work towards. Can't make friends, have no connections, no prospect of a girlfriend.. you know.. I sound like a broken record so I'd stop for now. Hopefully I've articulated my feeling is a somewhat understandable manner.

Hi Mat, I’m the mother of two autistic adults and I’m sure your Mother doesn’t view you as a ‘burden’! The vast majority of Mothers love their children more than anything in the world - so please don’t think that she thinks about you in that way. That love doesn’t diminish when our children become adults. If you open up to her I’m sure she’ll be 100% there for you in any way she can. I understand though that you need much more than that - you want a ‘normal’ life and to be able to function in the world and be happy. My son’s are both autistic - one has left Uni and tried 3 workplaces so far and struggled in all of them due to issues relating to autism. The workplace is very difficult for so many autistic people - even if they are very academically able. It’s tough - be forgiving of yourself for that. I dread my youngest son having to tackle finding paid work as I know it will be a huge struggle for him. There’s not enough support for autistic people  - there should be more. Don’t blame yourself for the fact that your are struggling - it’s not your fault. You’re obviously doing your best - no one can do more. I would talk to your GP and optician to see if you can get any help form them. And the other suggestions on this thread seem good. I’m so sorry you’re feeling so down - my youngest is feeling this way too. You’re not alone - most people on here can relate to much of what you are saying, take care, and good luck.