Universal Credit

I don't have any social worker or anything like that with me right now.

Since I left school I effectively been managing myself in the 'real world' as it were. I was employed for seven years sort of just comfortably coasting on auto pilot between 2011 and 2018. The real deterioration started to hit in 2018 when I lost that job due to a combination of stress from a 'consultation process' regarding change of work processes/redundancy proceedings etc.

I feel like I have worked hard to put on a mask to function at work and in life on general. I actually looked after myself and kind of managed OK for a long period. I was not too bad looking, I looked perfectly normal but just had a peculiar and sometime strange way of acting in terms of body language and way I express myself. Not making eye contact correctly. That sort of thing. I cycled a lot and found this kept me sane and was a way to sometimes blow of stress. But since leaving longer term work, over time, I've deteriorated as I keep saying. It's something that gets worse over a long time. A sort of repeating loop of good days/bad days/good weeks/bad weeks.. except the bad weeks are becoming more common and have turned into many weeks and only short spells where I can bring myself back up again. I've put on weight a little overall recent years and am losing confidence. It's horrible really.

Part of my issue is I don't have much idea what I am good at, what I want to do. My education was dismal and I do beat myself up about it. The area I'm from doesn't help, as its frankly poor for education  standards so my own issues kind of condemned me I guess. It's painful to think about because I feel that my school years were what ultimately messed me up from the start. In my opinion I was put in the wrong schools at most stages.

My issues were not understood really when I was younger - pre diagnoses. I was not diagnosed with Autism until 13/14 and Autism back in the 90s/early 00s was less understood and in the public space.

Fundamentally I don't think I'm incapable of functioning well, but I do need support to manage anxiety as its something which can really mess me up and it's a long term thing that can get worse without support. I know this.

Being 30 I'm unable to access a lot of the support that has to be given to those younger people by law. And honestly the support available when I was a kid seems far less than apparently is now being offered today. I don't know. I think ultimately I was failed by the system and have until now just trued to make the best of the cards I'm given. But I am really starting to lose myself recently. It's like my life is beginning to spiral a bit out of control.

I do speak to Mum a little. She understands and tries to help I think. She can't really do much really at this point. I feel bad for her that I am more of a burden than anything. I feel very bad about the whole thing. I'm just existing right now. The future seems pretty grim. No prospect of decent employment, high debts, no prospect of any sort of quality of life to work towards. Can't make friends, have no connections, no prospect of a girlfriend.. you know.. I sound like a broken record so I'd stop for now. Hopefully I've articulated my feeling is a somewhat understandable manner.

As for as my housing situation/family support - I am a lodger really. That's a positive I guess. The environment is not the best I don't have hot water or heating for example, but the main thing is I'm with a roof over my head. I want to leave and find somewhere else but right now my options are pretty grim on that issue because of things like my credit rating/debt, the fact I'd be classed as lower priority for social housing, the fact I'm on benefits and not in work, not to mention my mental health. Many issues really.

Hi the thing is I did make a claim for PIP I think it was back in November last year and was scheduled a telephone interview in December at some point. I was still employed at that time in my most recent job which ended/terminated in February this year. I didn't answer the call like an idiot. I asked for a mandatory reconsideration last month, March, but have yet to hear back on it as of today 28th April. I was told it could take weeks to hear back so maybe still time yet. 

I've been in denial I guess and in my own mind saw PIP as a sort of defeat and acknowledgment that I am in some way weak and disabled and embarrassing. The fact my mental health is all over the place, I'm a nervous wreck.. I have no friends or proper social skills.. I kind of pretend to myself I'm normal but clearly I'm not as much as I desperately want to be normal. But yeah I've probably shot myself in the foot with that one. Hopefully they'll at least give me another appointment. I'm not even sure how it would go to be honest. Physically I guess I'm OK. I can cook, I'm living ON MY OWN! But I'm terrible with budgeting and money if I'm being honest. I cannot in any real sense build relationships or make friends which is an issue at work. I can be very much targeting and seen as weird and it causes me to feel very on edge, self conscious and uneasy and can lead to anxiety attacks. A lot of time people in public might not see anything terribly bad. It's when I return home to an empty place. That's when things can get ugly shall we say. I have eating issues related to stress. Some use alcohol or even drugs. I use food to numb the pain. And just go a bit crazy. Like a sort of mental breakdown.