Published on 12, July, 2020
Hi all,
I am writing this as a partner of someone with autism. Looking for some advice and support.
My partner since I have been with him (5 years) has always struggled with 'normal' jobs. Having no qualifications from school, he was stuck cleaning for a long time which at one point due to the physical strain it put on him and how miserable he was, I encouraged and supported him to quit. He found a better cleaning job, but it too quickly become horrendous, and this continued through a number of other jobs. He tried branching into other areas such as administration work but couldn't cope with the job or people.
We finally got to a point that due to his mental health that he wouldn't work a 'traditional' job, and due to his love and interest in games I was very happy for him to try make streaming a career. It is obviously very hard and competitive, and I still want to keep supporting him. It has been 2 years almost, and while he is not making a lot of money (maybe a few £100 a month in a good month), I know in some ways it makes him happy and gives him flexibility with when and how he works.
He obviously still finds parts of this job stressful. Firstly, not earning a lot of money really puts him down, especially as his family generally all do very well and often question him about his work. He was working part time for a while in a pub alongside doing the streaming, but again, this was too much mentally for him and he often came home and had a breakdown. I couldn't bare seeing what it was doing to him. He is unfortunately currently hiding from his family that he has quit the job, because dealing with the questioning and obvious unapproving voice is horrible.
We had an incident today where his family ended up asking about his work, how it was going, etc. He said he didn't have any shifts this week as he was zero hour contract, and they instantly start questioning about looking for other work, that part time 2 hours a week isn't enough. That 'back when I worked I did what I had to do to pay the bills' etc etc. (by the way, we pay all our bills fine with my money currently). I find it incredibly frustrating and upsetting because their nonchalant remarks puts him in an absolute spin. He suddenly ends up feeling really bad about everything he is working so hard to do (they don't get to see how hard he works, or really even understand what he is trying to do). He ended up spending the evening afterwards belittling himself, having no confidence, feeling like a failure, questioning what he is doing, and the worst part.. basically hating himself for being autistic (and having other Specific Learning Difficulties) that makes all these things harder for him than neurotypical people.
I struggle because part of me doesn't know at that point what I can do to help him. I try to reassure him, remind him how hard he is working, tell him that it isn't his place to really try meet his parents expectations (that they probably got from their own parents about having to always work hard and graft till you can't breathe because apparently there isn't more to life).
If anyone has read all this, I would really appreciate some advice on how to be able to support him through these downs and help him see what he does.
If anyone has anything or anywhere I could point my partner too for support that would be great. He doesn't know (and neither do I) if or where he can really get support for this sort of thing. I always feel lost when it comes to.. support or help and we both have just continued to struggle alone these past few years that it has been very bad and difficult. Sadly his family don't often understand and just 'meddle', probably wanting to be helpful but instead just end up making him feel down.
In general, we are both very happy together and with our life right now. It is only when other people start to question to him what he is doing, and what his life is like, he suddenly sees everything as bad.
He values his family's opinions of him, and he places their views on a pedistal, but he cannot live up to their standards, and whenever he compares himself to those standards, it's like having a high bar that he can't reach, and then he feels very low about himself.
Family might pressure him to find a traditional job, but are they going do the nitty-gritty work to support him? What I mean is, are they going to walk door to door with him to hand out resumes? Are they going to support him through those uneasy and stressful times when he feels down about himself? Are they going to drive him around from place to place, to look for job openings, and to attend job interviews, and so on, until he lands a job that is right for him? I doubt it. I truly doubt it.
I mean they might criticise him, but unless they are willing to help him by being there at every step of the way, then they have no grounds to complain about him. He's making money from streaming, and people are watching him because they see the value in him.
What he may need to change is where he places his value. I mean he wants his family to bless and bestow upon him a sense of self-worth, because what they say matters to him. But to be honest, they won't give him his self worth, because unless he's just like them, they're not going to be happy. So instead of looking at others to validate his sense of self worth, he has to begin to begin to give himself that self worth. Maybe by meditating on the things that were not right about family, and then telling himself the words he would have always liked to hear from them, maybe words of encouragement, pride, support, anything, would help him.
You seem very articulate - have you considered your partner writing a heartfelt letter to his family, via you ghost writing, so they can see what he is going through?
Just put everything you have shared with us into it. I feel like if they tell him that the autism is not his fault and that it's amazing the effort he has put into trying jobs etc then that may at least stop the decline in self-esteem. If they can empathize with you both and continue to focus on the positive aspects of him then that would seem the best thing at this stage.
If not maybe some family counselling is in order.