Autism Burnout

I'm really struggling.  I'm heading to the place I was in a few years ago. I had to take time off work. I don't know if it's the 'spergers, anxiety or post viral fatigue from covid. I think it's a mixture. The fatigue is making everything worse. I cant focus and its all consuming. I can't reduce my workload anymore.

I've got a referral to the long covid clinic but I don't know if it's long covid or mental health and neither does the doctor. I've got a massive questionnaire to fill in.

My body is telling me to stop but I am not listening.  I keep powering through. I don't know where to turn. The local mental health place isn't helping, I'm on a generic online CBT programme. They're ringing me this week for a review. They didnt listen to me in the first instance and they talk too fast. I've referred myself to Acess for work but still waiting on that as applications are behind. I've contacted the Autism and ADHD centre (which has been recommended to me by the mental health team) to chase up the waiting list and was told that I'll get a letter when they get round to my name. They cant tell me when this will be, if it's next week or next month or in 6 months because "everything is in a mess". The place I had my private assessment haven't got any capacity at the moment.

I'm trying to help myself. My partner and i are trying to problem solve to hrlp reduce demands. I'm fed up of going round in circles.I find it difficult to ask for help or saying I'm not right (to friends or colleagues and to the professionals), and difficult to articulate what exactly is wrong and sometimes my point is lost.  I'm trying to seek help but not being able to get anywhere.

I feel like my body cannot carry on. It's telling me to stop.

I'm a fully grown adult with a professional job.

I am actually also suffering from burn-out at the moment. This is not the first time I am suffering from burnout (though I wasn't aware that was what it was last time), but it is definitely the worst and I am physically and mentally completely depleted. I worked extremely hard for the past 6 months (10-12 hours a day and sometimes more, plus usually 1 day on weekend at least) as I love my work but also as I got overloaded with work and spent most of my time helping out others (unable to say no). The worst is that I also got exploited and ended up not being paid and as a result in financial difficulties. I also ended up severely underweight (unintentionally) as I suffer from issues around food/eating (for over 6 years now)- I got hyperfocused on my research/work and ended up not dealing with the issue and before I knew it I was eating the same handful of foods in the same routine. 

Luckily my GP gave me sick leave and I have been off work for a month now and I am starting to feel a bit more energised. I am trying hard to address the eating issues but it is super exhausting (each food decision is like me planning and obsessing over one of my science experiments). However I am worried that I am living  in a "fairy world" - I don't mean that it is particularly nice (as I feel insanely stressed out at times), but I just haven't really been dealing with anything- I have tried to completely block the issue of work and what will happen in the future, out of my mind. I have also for the first time in ages, been almost completely unproductive, which I think is good for me but it feels strange. I am just concerned that I am withdrawing too much from real life. I feel like I need it at this point and the idea of having to go back to work and decide on the future (I think I need to find a new place to live and do my PhD as I have been exploited and lost trust) fills me with panick. I just don't feel ready to go back and to deal with life (though I don't think I have ever really coped with adult life). I am not sure yet if I can somehow organise a longer time away from work - trying to figure it all out now- I am just unsure if I am doing the right thing in letting myself be unproductive and in allowing myself to withdraw and not deal with things for a while... . 

I have also been seeing a mental health team here- I am not yet diagnosed with autism though I strongly suspect that I am autistic. The mental health team agrees that there is a strong possibility but they have told me repeatedly that they don't think it matters for my therapy whether I am indeed autistic or not... - This really concerns me as I think it does matter in terms of therapy? I have somewhat lost trust in therapists and mental health professionals over the years- I know that I do need help though, but it is hard to trust when they seem so inexperienced with these issues. I also often feel like they misunderstand and I am not sure how I can communicate more clearly... :( 

I'm glad you ate starting to feel a bit better. 

Ann :) said:

they don't think it matters for my therapy whether I am indeed autistic or not...

Mine said this too...I was doing CBT at the time but it was more intense course of treatment. I'm glad I did it as it helped immensely with general worry. I got my autism diagnosis separately during my cbt course. It helped me on the road to recovery from my "episode" a couple of years ago. Its not the answer to everything but it helps me chip away at the anxiety.

I'm doing a general cbt cpurse now and it's useless. For instance,  security lights can give me anxiety but this isn't something I can thought challenge.

I hope you are feeling more rested and well these days

You’ve been through so much - all respect to you for coming through these things and learning so much from your experiences. Recently I’ve felt totally wrapped up in my own thoughts and anxiety and coming on here has made me realise that so many of us have been through such tough times. I feel less alone - thank you. X 

I'd be shouting stop constantly :-D I do make time for the things you mention. You say worry less.  It's easier said than done but it's a process I'm learning to retrain my brain.

One thing which really helped was learning our emotions come from our primitive brain.  So when my emotions are high, I can't rationally think. I have to wait for emotional brain to recede and rational brain to come back online before I can do anything. 

CBT can be difficult for autistic people, trying to work out what is rational or not might get in the way of thinking more healthily which is what will help most.  Thoughts do affect our feelings, good or bad, and feelings affect our thoughts - CBT is correct about that.  Be kind to yourself, worry less, don't let disturbing thoughts affect you as much, and so on.  Also, make time for mindfulness or peaceful periods in your day, it can help put a break on the unhealthy thoughts.

When unhealthy thoughts are flowing you can also shot "stop!" in your mind, or "enough now", things like that.

CBT can be difficult for autistic people, trying to work out what is rational or not might get in the way of thinking more healthily which is what will help most.  Thoughts do affect our feelings, good or bad, and feelings affect our thoughts - CBT is correct about that.  Be kind to yourself, worry less, don't let disturbing thoughts affect you as much, and so on.  Also, make time for mindfulness or peaceful periods in your day, it can help put a break on the unhealthy thoughts.

When unhealthy thoughts are flowing you can also shot "stop!" in your mind, or "enough now", things like that.

I'd be shouting stop constantly :-D I do make time for the things you mention. You say worry less.  It's easier said than done but it's a process I'm learning to retrain my brain.

One thing which really helped was learning our emotions come from our primitive brain.  So when my emotions are high, I can't rationally think. I have to wait for emotional brain to recede and rational brain to come back online before I can do anything.