I thought I was special! (no but seriously...)

Something relevant to this that just came up, and has left me feeling unsettled and annoyed, so I'm venting here even if it's stupid and irrational. Maybe doing so will help with perspective, or instead make me feel more vindicated in my being privately upset - not sure. 

Basically, my boss was chatting to a colleague about 20 minutes ago. She happened to mention that her son teaches autistic kids (presumably Level 2 diagnosis or above based on apparent context), some of whom later enter the world of work. My boss goes'Sure just tell them to come and work here (a library)  as we're all... [I think he was going to say autistic before changing to...]... I mean we all like our routine and order and things.' 

I think he maybe altered the trajectory of his sentence so that he didn't explicitly say 'we're all autistic here' or 'we're all a bit on the spectrum' - either of which would make my diagnosis (which I shared with the office not too long ago) feel minimised. I feel like it maybe revealed an underlying attitude of  'why make such a big fuss about your  clinical diagnosis of Level One' when we're all a bit, y'know... and we don't all use it as an excuse not to 'get on' (as in advance to management positions or whatever). I feel a bit hurt by it, even though it's not something I could jump in on and challenge, as that really would be making the conversation about me. And yet now I'm left, once again, with that confusion of  'if I'm one in a societal 100 minimum but 60 maximum, why does everybody in my orbit presume to have it too, thus taking away the thing that helps me make sense of why I struggle more than them?' 

Even if libraries do have a higher concentration of the more generally neurodivergent working in them, as we discussed above, why so offhandedly pull the rug from under my feet just as I was beginning to think 'it's really OK to  know, not just believe, that I'm wired differently from the vast majority and that I'm doing well on that basis, not objectively 'underachieving' or whatever the general NT verdict about my life situation wouuld be? It almost feels like subtle gaslighting or intentional mischief, except it's probably just been more of an unintended overspill of an otherwise not-usually verbalised assumption about me 'you're an imposter, and no different from the rest of us - odd, yes, but nothing as societally uncommon as you think'. And so I feel back to square one on the 'is it OK to feel I'm functioning at my maximum capabilities here?' front. Because I really feel that I am, but maybe I'm just pathetic. 

I did have a couple of professional posts, one in a small higher education college, which suited me until my mental health issues made things too difficult to stay (at the time I didn't know my mental health issues were probably autistic burnout), and one in a further education college which did not suit me at all.

I don't think there's anything wrong with staying in a post where you feel comfortable and I certainly wouldn't say it makes you a loser!

I agree about autism being more prevalent in fandom.  When I was an undergraduate, I was quite involved in my university's DW Society.  I didn't know much about autism then, but in retrospect there were definitely some other people there who showed signs of being on the spectrum.

Apologies for my lateness in replying. It's been in my mind to do so for several days, as I really aappreciated you saying it strikes a chord, and having the library qualification in common is really nice too. May I ask if you ever got into a professional post, even briefly? I got the PostGrad Diploma years ago but ultimately a permanaent place in a higher-stress (part-management) role doesn't suit me. I was a cataloguer for a time, which means I technically ticked that 'used the qualification' box, but otherwise feel I function best at the grade I'm at. Hope that doesn't make me a loser! I have to stop thinking of it that way. Even an NT person is allowed to choose not to take on what they know will put too much presuure on them, and as I'm wired differently too...?  

I work in a busy academic library too, which certainly has its noisy moments, but there's enough balance in what I do (a lot of time in the office, some on the enquiry desk) to keep overwhelm at bay for the most part. I used to work in a much busier part of the building, and while I enjoyed the work and helping people, I did run my batteries down massively each day. 

Yes, my user-name felt very appropriate - and comes from my all-time favourite Who story. Autism is, I suspect, quite a bit more prevalent in DW fandom than it is in the general population! I've seen at least one other user-name here inspired by it, and it's lovely to know that you're a fan too. It's a life-long addiction, and definitely the 'specialist interest' that's always been there for me, and always will. :-)

You're not alone! I've never had a job at 30 and it's scary! I've just managed to get by on benefits or student loans. Every day I wake up wondering how the hell I'm going to keep this up if I can't find a job soon. I'm training in something I enjoy right now that should lead to work but I feel stressed knowing I am not capable of full time work but its not viable to live off part time work these days. I try to take it one day at a time and keep building on my knowledge and finding my niche. I'm hoping getting my diagnosis will give me leverage when dealing with the government and employers to help get my needs recognised and met. 

I often spiral from comparing myself to my peers who also have autism/ADHD or have experienced similar or even worse trauma or disadvantages and yet somehow get jobs and form relationships whereas I can't. I have to remind myself I can be useful to the world in other ways outside of capitalism and that I am living on my own timeline. Societal pressure and neurotypical norms are really overbearing and it knocks my confidence a lot but I keep trying. 

I don't think there's anything wrong with you.  I didn't get a paid job until after I was thirty, so don't write off your prospects yet!  That said, I have never been able to work full-time and wonder if I ever will.  "High functioning" is not a phrase I like, as it ignores the fact that functionality can vary a lot depending on environment, mood, physical health and tiredness, etc.  The fact that other people can cope in the workplace doesn't mean that YOU can, even if you appear functional in other ways.

Incidentally, I have to tell myself all of this, frequently, or have it said to me by my fiancee, when I go into one of my own "What's wrong with me that I can't work full-time?  I'm nearly forty!" moods.

What are your own skills and interests?  Would looking for a work-from-home job be possible?  That might be easier to manage.

You seem to be aware of difficulties even if you don't exactly know what those are, that may mean autism.

People with autism can have difficulties with regulating thoughts and feelings, and this can cause problems when an adult when you are expected to be mature and level headed.  Then executive function difficulties can make it hard to engage with tasks or people, you can't just get on with things, or life as people expect.

I was the other way around worked from 16 continuously until 31, but it was really hard work and I couldn't keep it going in the end.  I was too withdrawn, couldn't do small-talk or get to know colleagues to fit in, couldn't manage my thoughts and feelings well enough, couldn't focus.

Autistic adults vary, there is nothing to be gained from comparing, its best to get to know yourself, accept yourself as you are, then work on thinking and feeling better about yourself.

I haven't worked for a long time, many here know its difficult with work environments and social expectations, but that doesn't mean you can never work.  Working on how you think and manage feelings can make a difference, and also focus on jobs that are more suited to - maybe disability friendly employers that might make adjustments for you.

Autistic people can be passengers in life, until they realise that isn't healthy or what they really want.

Well that's a really GOOD question. Because from how you write it's not that you're not intelligent and don't have insight. Have you considered whether something else other than Autism might be the issue? (For example ADHD, which brings lots of difficulties re employment).

If you have never been employed, have you got as far as interviews? Do they present a problem? (You can be coached in this).

In my experience, people who WORRY about being lazy never are. You are certainly not pathetic. If you feel you have a massive roadblock, you're on the way to understanding what it is. 

Have you ever ticked the box which says you are disabled and therefore entitled to interview if you meet the criteria? Have you had careers advice? Sorry for all the questions... I will be thinking of you and praying and hoping this changes for you soon.

Feeling similarly perusing this forum this morning. The reason I sought out a diagnosis was because of a mental breakdown a few years back, in part because I couldn't get a job, and knew I wouldn't cope with any environment for a bunch of really bizarre reasons that didn't make sense to me or my family. I'm almost 30 and have never had a job, so seeing all of you lovely people managing to secure jobs (even if only temporary in some cases), it makes me feel like a failure.

You're all doing it, so why can't I? After all this, am I really just as lazy and pathetic as I feared?

I understand autism is a pretty broad spectrum, with different autistics having different limitations. Even so, many would probably consider me "high functioning," (mostly based off of how I type, which is misleading) yet here I am, almost 30 years old, and I have never been employed and likely never will be. It almost feels like being back to the drawing board, because this thing that feels like a massive roadblock for me, it isn't for others. People are managing to live pretty "normal" fulfilling lives even with autism, so why the heck can't I?

I'm back to the question of, "what's wrong with me?" Very easy to spiral from there, for sure.

What an interesting reaction, I hope it's not too difficult for you. I bet you've not felt it here although everyone who posts may use similar labels to you. Because this is a special place, I suppose.

We're all special, we're each the only ME in the Universe (multiple universes aside).

I'm right at the beginning of seeking diagnosis, which likely won't be for another few years, and I already know that if and when I am diagnosed I will be very open about it precisely so that other people can a) see others like them and b) wonder if it might be them too.

But I do completely get all this, I haven't been here long enough to see your other posts. I actually mentioned Imposter Syndrome to the GP today and added that I know everyone gets it at some point... but yes, I do get you. 

It's fine to accept/feel/welcome being Different. As long as we remember we ALL are. 

It's also fine to feel/think what you feel/think, whatever it is.

I am so grateful to have found a place here, I honestly wondered how it would be when others have been diagnosed for years and I come along wondering if I'm 'one of you'. 

Glad it helped

I absolutely recognise that description of the all-consuming loop causing me to 'disappear' into myself - even if I might be outwardly doing a draining and pronbably unconvincing impression of still being tuned into the other goings-on around me. I wonder what the true numbers are though? I think Dawn must have it right that it's more than the diagnosed stats (which for L1 seem to be 1 in 150ish if I can trust certain online sources), but it can't be close, societally, to 1 in 20 or anything quite so common (yet). So, would - for 'Aspergers' specifically - something more like 1 in 40-50 sound right? For this present moment in history, and taking a fair age range of adults into account?

Thanks you so much, Dawn - you honestly couldn't have written a more helpful, reassuring, and comprehensively nuanced reply in terms of what was worrying me. It is exactly what I needed to hear. And hearing it from someone else always gives me way more peace of mind than my telling myself anything similar. Massivelly appreeciated. 

Good advice, and I made myself do exactly that - with some difficulty! Many thanks out_of_step

I have a very small, but very dependable, group of friends - all of us a little odd in our own ways. Only one of them besides me has considered that he may be autistic but doesn't seem to need the definitive answer like I did. That 'cluster' theory would hep explain how to reconcile the societal  maths with the evidence of one's local newtwork. Similar energies attract. Thanks for your thoughts NAS78521 and Dawn, helpful and consoling.

A lot of this resonates with me.  I'm another librarian by training, although I've struggled with employment because of my autism and related mental illness episodes, as well as a terrible job in the wrong library sector (a very noisy and busy further education college library -- not a great fit for me, but I didn't know I was on the spectrum when I applied) and am not currently working as a librarian.  Good for you for finding the right job and being able to stick with it and live your life independently!  I think it is hard to do that.  Even in a more autism-friendly sector, there are obstacles to navigate.

In terms of not feeling special on the spectrum, I have had that experience too, particularly when I'm confronted with someone who is clearly on the spectrum, but manifests in a very different way to me.  The feeling of "What does this mean for my self-image?  Are there lots of people like me, even people I don't like?  Am I not special?"  Years of not fitting in turned being different into a part of who I am.

My fiancee is actually beginning to suspect that she is neurodivergent (maybe autism, maybe ADHD) and I definitely felt a little resistance to her self-exploration at first -- not a lot, but a sense of "This is MY area!"  It passed very quickly, though, and now I just want her to feel comfortable with who she is.  It would explain why we have so much in common, though.

(Also, as a Doctor Who fan, I now understand your choice of user-name!)

Yeah one of my best mates is pretty sure she is ADD and I think she's right.

Yes I think for sure like-minded people attract each other. I only have a handful of friends and I have recently realised that almost all of my friends are neurodivergent (waiting to be assessed for autism or diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia). I am waiting to be assessed for ASD and found out about some of my friends being neurodivergent when I mentioned this to them- I had no idea. 

Autistic people can get stuck on thinking about the same thing, especially if it we can't make sense of something.  There is also thought-loops (perserveration), where you literally  can't stop thinking about something for a while and 'disappear', but maybe not that in your case.

Its personal choice to come out, but at work colleagues may already suspect anyway so not always that risky.

Just to say that 1 in 100 is only a measure of those diagnosed, then you have to include those that chose not to be diagnosed but could be, then those that should be diagnosed but can't because of various barriers, women/girls who don't quite fit the male skewed way to measure autism, then those from ethnic groups who may have extra barriers to diagnosis or fear consequences due to cultural reasons, and probably others.

Rare, special?  Not really, neurodiversity is everywhere but usually hidden - way more than the odd ones that stand out.

Shardovan said:

So suddenly it feels commonplace, and that  I've been letting myself off the hook too lightly.

I identify with much of your experience. It was a blessed relief to get my diagnosis and yes, suddenly all that stuff that was hard and constantly felt I should just try harder with, turns out to be stuff I was doing a darn good job of given the barriers and need to give myself a dollop of credit for. I too have been very open about my autism. I literally wear the T shirts I bought.

Funnily enough, I work in a very small team where one other is also formally diagnosed, one other has diagnosed kids and recognised she is too, and one former colleague we still liaise with who has never said, but so obviously is. Mercifully, the boss has significant experience of working with kids on the spectrum, appreciates our talents and we all get to treat our quirks with good natured humour and acceptance and a readiness to 'reasonably adjust' 

That in mind, one of the first thoughts I had post-diagnosis, was 'crikey, how many of us are there?'. Well, who knows (?) because the stats can only count the formerly diagnosed, but it's got to be more than 1:100. That said we all know 100s of people, whether close to them or just loose acquaintances. We will meet others of our kind -YEAH!

Moreover, these people are likely to be in your social and professional circle for a reason...hmmm...would the average autistic person (if there is such a thing) prefer to work in libraries or be a hairdresser making inane conversations  about holidays? The library is probably a better bet. Tony Attwood jokes that universities are day care centres for Aspies because so many of us are in our element in the lab or amongs the dusty books and such places are consequently stuffed full of us.

Also, what type of people are folks generally attracted to? Why, the ones we communicate with easily and share our mind sets!...for us...other autistic people, perhaps? It's probably no coincidence that you've found some buddies also on the Spectrum, whether either of you knew it or not, lol.

That said, though a bigger minority than you'd think, we are still a little minority. If that weren't the case the world would be better designed for us and we wouldn't be encountering many of the difficulties that we do. If we were THAT commonplace, we'd be the mainstream and  NTs might be the ones struggling to fit in.

So, I'd say that whilst you do probably know a fair few other autistic people, it doesn't mean you are just looking to 'let yourself off the hook'. You really have dealt with more than most be where you are and you really do deserve the credit. That said, it's nice to have colleagues and pals who share the experience and get it too.

Yes the all consuming spiral makes sense regardless of the content. Do something to distract yourself to switch your brain