• Replies 20 replies
  • Subscribers 87 subscribers
  • Views 4783 views
  • Users 0 members are here
Options
Related
Hints and tips
  • To quote someone's message, first select/highlight the relevant text, and then use the Quote button that appears
  • To "mention" someone, type @ followed by the start of the forum name, and choose from the list; that person will get a notification of being mentioned

I thought I was special! (no but seriously...)

Shardovan

Not really sure how to articulate what's bothering me so much right now, but it may help to try and do so. Here

goes...

So, I got my assessment in early Jan, the result (confirmed Level One) in early Feb, and have been feeling relief above all else about that making sense of things for me. I'm 44 and have felt different, been easily exhausted, etc. all my life. 

I was giving myself  a very hard time for a few years there feeling like an underachiever in life, and now I think instead that I've done well. I have a job, it's a really good fit, I have my own house, I live independently, I manage my mental health struggles and anxiety about as well as could be reasonably expected.

And key to relaxing a bit on all of this has been realising that I'm something like a societal 1 in 100 - I can be different because I am different, it's how I was made, who I am. I work in a profession (libraries) though where I think that my workplace probably has a few more '1 in 100's  (diagnosed or otherwise) in it than most others. I think I did the right amount of calibrating this in my head to come up with a reasonably accurate figure of something more like 1 in 30 in the place who know thay're autistic (either through diagnosis like me, or having been sufficiently affected day to day to at least suspect it). And maybe about 1 in 3-5 others will at some point have joked about being 'on the spectrum', but only in a half-serious way at most. 

After dipping into the online community a bit (here, and also YouTube vids from Aucademy), being open about being diagnosed autistic seems to be the consensus best thing to do for taking pressure off oneself and making a small contribution to societal progress/acceptance of neurodivergence. So I sent an email round my particular dept. mentioning it, explaining why I was doing so, etc. To their credit, I got only nice and sensitive responses, and appropriately it hasn't otherwise been talked about since as there's been no real need. 

An additional  positive for me out of that was feeling understood, it being apppreciated why not seeking future promotion is in my case a healthy and sensible thing, etc. A recognition that I'm doing the best I can, and what's right for me, with keeping the stability/continuum that I have. 

Cut to today, and meeting a returning colleague and friend (he'd tried a different job he didn't like and comeback to - essentially- his old one) for a lunchtime walk/chat. I mention to him my diagnosis, and he says 'oh, my brother has that, and I think I probably do too. Also, I'm fairly sure my dad does.' While I didn't show it outwardly, this triggered me: here I am, having found peace in my neurodivergent scarcity, and literally the person stood next to me is also autistic, and at least two of his family. So suddenly it feels commonplace, and that  I've been letting myself off the hook too lightly. Which, rationally, is insane - probability easily allows for two '1- 100's to be in the same place at the same time, and it doesn't magically make the other 99% of society magically transform into autistic people too. So why am I still so unsettled by it? Is it a childish impulse to want to be special? Or is it that I now have to start re-running the mathes on this to check whether I thought I was rarer (even in my profession) than I actually am? And do I now have to start saying, well if we're all autistic (maybe) then perhaps I am, once again, an underachiever, since there are library staff at all grades/levels, including managerial posts? 

As I type all that, I'm not sure how rational/irrational I'm being in getting so jittery and uncomfortable about it - just because of one conversation with someone who is enough of a kindred spirit that what he said oughtn't to have been a surprise anyway. But typiong this helps try and get a handle on what I'm feeling. It's almost a mutation of the 'imposter syndrome' feelings I was getting a few weeks back, but with a different flavour. The fact that this has consumed my thoughts for an hour (preventing me from getting focussed on work tasks again) probably tells me all I need to know about the authenticity of my own autistic experience (like the diagnosis wasnt enough!), and I'm probably just feeling a bit off-balance today and letting paranoia make e feel like the butt of a cosmic joke. When I look back at this post in a while, maybe I'll shake my head and think 'what was I on about'? Does this kind of all-consuming spiral make sense to anyone else here? And am I OK in feeling that I still did the right thing in 'coming out' even though, here at least, maybe I'm nothing 'specail' enough to warrant it? 

Parents

  • Feeling similarly perusing this forum this morning. The reason I sought out a diagnosis was because of a mental breakdown a few years back, in part because I couldn't get a job, and knew I wouldn't cope with any environment for a bunch of really bizarre reasons that didn't make sense to me or my family. I'm almost 30 and have never had a job, so seeing all of you lovely people managing to secure jobs (even if only temporary in some cases), it makes me feel like a failure.

    You're all doing it, so why can't I? After all this, am I really just as lazy and pathetic as I feared?

    I understand autism is a pretty broad spectrum, with different autistics having different limitations. Even so, many would probably consider me "high functioning," (mostly based off of how I type, which is misleading) yet here I am, almost 30 years old, and I have never been employed and likely never will be. It almost feels like being back to the drawing board, because this thing that feels like a massive roadblock for me, it isn't for others. People are managing to live pretty "normal" fulfilling lives even with autism, so why the heck can't I?

    I'm back to the question of, "what's wrong with me?" Very easy to spiral from there, for sure.

Reply

  • Feeling similarly perusing this forum this morning. The reason I sought out a diagnosis was because of a mental breakdown a few years back, in part because I couldn't get a job, and knew I wouldn't cope with any environment for a bunch of really bizarre reasons that didn't make sense to me or my family. I'm almost 30 and have never had a job, so seeing all of you lovely people managing to secure jobs (even if only temporary in some cases), it makes me feel like a failure.

    You're all doing it, so why can't I? After all this, am I really just as lazy and pathetic as I feared?

    I understand autism is a pretty broad spectrum, with different autistics having different limitations. Even so, many would probably consider me "high functioning," (mostly based off of how I type, which is misleading) yet here I am, almost 30 years old, and I have never been employed and likely never will be. It almost feels like being back to the drawing board, because this thing that feels like a massive roadblock for me, it isn't for others. People are managing to live pretty "normal" fulfilling lives even with autism, so why the heck can't I?

    I'm back to the question of, "what's wrong with me?" Very easy to spiral from there, for sure.

Children
  • in reply to JaneInABox

    You're not alone! I've never had a job at 30 and it's scary! I've just managed to get by on benefits or student loans. Every day I wake up wondering how the hell I'm going to keep this up if I can't find a job soon. I'm training in something I enjoy right now that should lead to work but I feel stressed knowing I am not capable of full time work but its not viable to live off part time work these days. I try to take it one day at a time and keep building on my knowledge and finding my niche. I'm hoping getting my diagnosis will give me leverage when dealing with the government and employers to help get my needs recognised and met. 

    I often spiral from comparing myself to my peers who also have autism/ADHD or have experienced similar or even worse trauma or disadvantages and yet somehow get jobs and form relationships whereas I can't. I have to remind myself I can be useful to the world in other ways outside of capitalism and that I am living on my own timeline. Societal pressure and neurotypical norms are really overbearing and it knocks my confidence a lot but I keep trying. 

  • in reply to JaneInABox

    I don't think there's anything wrong with you.  I didn't get a paid job until after I was thirty, so don't write off your prospects yet!  That said, I have never been able to work full-time and wonder if I ever will.  "High functioning" is not a phrase I like, as it ignores the fact that functionality can vary a lot depending on environment, mood, physical health and tiredness, etc.  The fact that other people can cope in the workplace doesn't mean that YOU can, even if you appear functional in other ways.

    Incidentally, I have to tell myself all of this, frequently, or have it said to me by my fiancee, when I go into one of my own "What's wrong with me that I can't work full-time?  I'm nearly forty!" moods.

    What are your own skills and interests?  Would looking for a work-from-home job be possible?  That might be easier to manage.

  • in reply to JaneInABox

    You seem to be aware of difficulties even if you don't exactly know what those are, that may mean autism.

    People with autism can have difficulties with regulating thoughts and feelings, and this can cause problems when an adult when you are expected to be mature and level headed.  Then executive function difficulties can make it hard to engage with tasks or people, you can't just get on with things, or life as people expect.

    I was the other way around worked from 16 continuously until 31, but it was really hard work and I couldn't keep it going in the end.  I was too withdrawn, couldn't do small-talk or get to know colleagues to fit in, couldn't manage my thoughts and feelings well enough, couldn't focus.

    Autistic adults vary, there is nothing to be gained from comparing, its best to get to know yourself, accept yourself as you are, then work on thinking and feeling better about yourself.

    I haven't worked for a long time, many here know its difficult with work environments and social expectations, but that doesn't mean you can never work.  Working on how you think and manage feelings can make a difference, and also focus on jobs that are more suited to - maybe disability friendly employers that might make adjustments for you.

    Autistic people can be passengers in life, until they realise that isn't healthy or what they really want.

  • in reply to JaneInABox

    Well that's a really GOOD question. Because from how you write it's not that you're not intelligent and don't have insight. Have you considered whether something else other than Autism might be the issue? (For example ADHD, which brings lots of difficulties re employment).

    If you have never been employed, have you got as far as interviews? Do they present a problem? (You can be coached in this).

    In my experience, people who WORRY about being lazy never are. You are certainly not pathetic. If you feel you have a massive roadblock, you're on the way to understanding what it is. 

    Have you ever ticked the box which says you are disabled and therefore entitled to interview if you meet the criteria? Have you had careers advice? Sorry for all the questions... I will be thinking of you and praying and hoping this changes for you soon.