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I thought I was special! (no but seriously...)

Shardovan

Not really sure how to articulate what's bothering me so much right now, but it may help to try and do so. Here

goes...

So, I got my assessment in early Jan, the result (confirmed Level One) in early Feb, and have been feeling relief above all else about that making sense of things for me. I'm 44 and have felt different, been easily exhausted, etc. all my life. 

I was giving myself  a very hard time for a few years there feeling like an underachiever in life, and now I think instead that I've done well. I have a job, it's a really good fit, I have my own house, I live independently, I manage my mental health struggles and anxiety about as well as could be reasonably expected.

And key to relaxing a bit on all of this has been realising that I'm something like a societal 1 in 100 - I can be different because I am different, it's how I was made, who I am. I work in a profession (libraries) though where I think that my workplace probably has a few more '1 in 100's  (diagnosed or otherwise) in it than most others. I think I did the right amount of calibrating this in my head to come up with a reasonably accurate figure of something more like 1 in 30 in the place who know thay're autistic (either through diagnosis like me, or having been sufficiently affected day to day to at least suspect it). And maybe about 1 in 3-5 others will at some point have joked about being 'on the spectrum', but only in a half-serious way at most. 

After dipping into the online community a bit (here, and also YouTube vids from Aucademy), being open about being diagnosed autistic seems to be the consensus best thing to do for taking pressure off oneself and making a small contribution to societal progress/acceptance of neurodivergence. So I sent an email round my particular dept. mentioning it, explaining why I was doing so, etc. To their credit, I got only nice and sensitive responses, and appropriately it hasn't otherwise been talked about since as there's been no real need. 

An additional  positive for me out of that was feeling understood, it being apppreciated why not seeking future promotion is in my case a healthy and sensible thing, etc. A recognition that I'm doing the best I can, and what's right for me, with keeping the stability/continuum that I have. 

Cut to today, and meeting a returning colleague and friend (he'd tried a different job he didn't like and comeback to - essentially- his old one) for a lunchtime walk/chat. I mention to him my diagnosis, and he says 'oh, my brother has that, and I think I probably do too. Also, I'm fairly sure my dad does.' While I didn't show it outwardly, this triggered me: here I am, having found peace in my neurodivergent scarcity, and literally the person stood next to me is also autistic, and at least two of his family. So suddenly it feels commonplace, and that  I've been letting myself off the hook too lightly. Which, rationally, is insane - probability easily allows for two '1- 100's to be in the same place at the same time, and it doesn't magically make the other 99% of society magically transform into autistic people too. So why am I still so unsettled by it? Is it a childish impulse to want to be special? Or is it that I now have to start re-running the mathes on this to check whether I thought I was rarer (even in my profession) than I actually am? And do I now have to start saying, well if we're all autistic (maybe) then perhaps I am, once again, an underachiever, since there are library staff at all grades/levels, including managerial posts? 

As I type all that, I'm not sure how rational/irrational I'm being in getting so jittery and uncomfortable about it - just because of one conversation with someone who is enough of a kindred spirit that what he said oughtn't to have been a surprise anyway. But typiong this helps try and get a handle on what I'm feeling. It's almost a mutation of the 'imposter syndrome' feelings I was getting a few weeks back, but with a different flavour. The fact that this has consumed my thoughts for an hour (preventing me from getting focussed on work tasks again) probably tells me all I need to know about the authenticity of my own autistic experience (like the diagnosis wasnt enough!), and I'm probably just feeling a bit off-balance today and letting paranoia make e feel like the butt of a cosmic joke. When I look back at this post in a while, maybe I'll shake my head and think 'what was I on about'? Does this kind of all-consuming spiral make sense to anyone else here? And am I OK in feeling that I still did the right thing in 'coming out' even though, here at least, maybe I'm nothing 'specail' enough to warrant it? 

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  • Shardovan said:
    So suddenly it feels commonplace, and that  I've been letting myself off the hook too lightly.

    I identify with much of your experience. It was a blessed relief to get my diagnosis and yes, suddenly all that stuff that was hard and constantly felt I should just try harder with, turns out to be stuff I was doing a darn good job of given the barriers and need to give myself a dollop of credit for. I too have been very open about my autism. I literally wear the T shirts I bought.

    Funnily enough, I work in a very small team where one other is also formally diagnosed, one other has diagnosed kids and recognised she is too, and one former colleague we still liaise with who has never said, but so obviously is. Mercifully, the boss has significant experience of working with kids on the spectrum, appreciates our talents and we all get to treat our quirks with good natured humour and acceptance and a readiness to 'reasonably adjust' 

    That in mind, one of the first thoughts I had post-diagnosis, was 'crikey, how many of us are there?'. Well, who knows (?) because the stats can only count the formerly diagnosed, but it's got to be more than 1:100. That said we all know 100s of people, whether close to them or just loose acquaintances. We will meet others of our kind -YEAH!

    Moreover, these people are likely to be in your social and professional circle for a reason...hmmm...would the average autistic person (if there is such a thing) prefer to work in libraries or be a hairdresser making inane conversations  about holidays? The library is probably a better bet. Tony Attwood jokes that universities are day care centres for Aspies because so many of us are in our element in the lab or amongs the dusty books and such places are consequently stuffed full of us.

    Also, what type of people are folks generally attracted to? Why, the ones we communicate with easily and share our mind sets!...for us...other autistic people, perhaps? It's probably no coincidence that you've found some buddies also on the Spectrum, whether either of you knew it or not, lol.

    That said, though a bigger minority than you'd think, we are still a little minority. If that weren't the case the world would be better designed for us and we wouldn't be encountering many of the difficulties that we do. If we were THAT commonplace, we'd be the mainstream and  NTs might be the ones struggling to fit in.

    So, I'd say that whilst you do probably know a fair few other autistic people, it doesn't mean you are just looking to 'let yourself off the hook'. You really have dealt with more than most be where you are and you really do deserve the credit. That said, it's nice to have colleagues and pals who share the experience and get it too.

  • in reply to Dawn

    Yes I think for sure like-minded people attract each other. I only have a handful of friends and I have recently realised that almost all of my friends are neurodivergent (waiting to be assessed for autism or diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia). I am waiting to be assessed for ASD and found out about some of my friends being neurodivergent when I mentioned this to them- I had no idea. 

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  • in reply to Dawn

    Yes I think for sure like-minded people attract each other. I only have a handful of friends and I have recently realised that almost all of my friends are neurodivergent (waiting to be assessed for autism or diagnosed with ADHD and dyspraxia). I am waiting to be assessed for ASD and found out about some of my friends being neurodivergent when I mentioned this to them- I had no idea. 

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