Dating someone with autism

I think you mean to say is how mature is he. 

If I use this same phrase, how bad do they have it, regarding a Neurotic (J. Lacan) as a clinical term for neuro-typical, I might mean how competitive are they. Or how paranoid are they. How much phantasy do they need you to comply with before they throw a tantrum.

However, when Neuro-typicals say this about Autistic individuals, the implication here is, How traumatised are they. How abandoned have they been. How much growth and kindness have they not been shown/taught.  

Autism does not have a sliding scale of severity. The impact of autism on each person is individual and unique, which is why it is classified as a 'spectrum condition'.

How bad does he have it?

I think your attitude is brilliant; I hope it works out for you both!

After this disaster of a conversation I apologized and we had a better talk. I first asked, “I think I understand some of autism, but would it be alright if I asked questions to better understand how it affects you?” And that conversation was so much more productive. But, there’s a bit of residual anger I think about my initial comment. He keeps bringing it back up and saying “did you show that to your parents? My parents would be angry.” And I said, “this seems like it’s still bothering you. Are you upset with me still? Or are you angry with me still?” And he said no. But has brought it up each time we’ve seen each other. How can I help him move past this also? It’s almost like he’s fixated on it. 

Thank you for your post and insight. I see more clearly now how what I said was heard in a very different way than I meant. I did previously work one on one with two non-verbal teens, I was co workers and friends with a man with Asperger’s in addition to my studies. But you are 1000% right- each individual is different and is affected so differently. But also, I have limited experience with an adult with a typical intellect. (Is that ok to say “typical intellect”??) 

To you and others- I’m sorry. I should have also said in my post that I feel terrible for using the words that I did. I did not mean to suggest anyone was “delayed” or imply anyone is not where they should be, not independent, or not capable. I’m still learning and a big take away for me is to be more cautious with my words.

In this country, they'd call us, "A wee bit slow!" 

Autistic people of normal intelligence tend to resent the assumption, far too often encountered, that autism = developmental delay. Also there is an assumption that developmental delay (which should really be intellectual disability) makes someone somehow like a child in a mans body. People with intellectual disabilities aren't necessarily developmentally delayed in any area but intelligence. They are 'dumb' adults not children in adult bodies but terminology like developmental delay can give that impression of infantilisation.

So while you were trying to say, "I know something about autism and feel well equipped to offer you support," what he probably heard was "because you are autistic you have the mind of a child and need me to look after you."

In fairness if your primary knowledge of autism is through education about people with intellectual disabilities it is unlikely to translate well to dealing with autistic people of normal intelligence.

It might be worth asking how autism impacts him, as all autistic people are different. Autism is a spectrum condition caused by neurodevelopmental divergencies from the neurotypical. It is not a mental illness, nor does it indicate, by itself, any learning or intellectual disability (though some autistics also have these as 'comorbidities'). Only once you have found out how autism affects your partner will you be able to offer appropriate support. My wife is neurotypical and she knows that I have a finite tolerance of noisy family gatherings, and appreciates that when I say I need to get away, that I have to do just that. On holidays, while I enjoy swimming, I hate beaches and the feeling of sand under my feet. Therefore, she will go to the beach, I will pop down after a while and sit under a sunshade and read, then I will go in for a swim and, once out, will go straight back to the hotel. She understands my sensory problems with sand and is fine with my limited desire to be on the beach.

Sometimes it can be difficult to give advice as we are all quite different (and like Purple, some of us can find relationships quite difficult). 

If I were in his position, I'd probably appreciate you being open about you do and don't know about autism - maybe say "this is what I understand it to be, tell me from your perspective". Ask him how it affects him and what you need to know to make the relationship work. This will give him a chance to tell you what he personally has difficulties with and let you know how to support. If you feel concerned about offending him with the way you phrase things then be honest and tell him - ask him to tell you if you say something that he thinks in insensitive and explain why so that you can understand autism better.

Neurodiversity is a more appropriate way of describing autism. Developmental delays sounds like we are behind everyone else and still unfinished - we have finished developing, our brains just did it slightly differently to the majority.

My family make comments that I really hate, mostly well meaning such as the classic "We're all a bit autistic" and "You don't seem very autistic". My guess is that they're trying to make me feel better by downplaying the difference between me and the rest of the family but I feel like it is invalidating all the struggles I have behind the scenes to appear "not very autistic". I sometimes feel that they don't really understand and I often don't have the energy to explain it, however if they were proactive and said "I don't know about this so if I say something stupid out of ignorance then please correct me so I can learn" then I'd feel much more comfortable in explaining.    

I have to admit, I'd have been pretty offended if you'd called my autism a "developmental delay" too!  I've got this far through life quite successfully without any "support" (have a degree, married, have a professional career, built a house, have a child).  But speaking as an autistic woman with an autistic husband, I do sometimes think life might be a bit easier if we had a neurotypical in the household, so he's lucky to have you.  And it's time I did seek some support, which is what I'm working on.

Relationship advice isn't my bag, I'm afraid - I hope others can help you with that.  Personally I would love to be studied and learnt from, but I know not everyone feels that way.