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Dating someone with autism

Pk007

Hello- I find myself here so that I can hopefully become a better partner. I recently started seeing someone who disclosed that he has autism. I feel completely lost at what to say, do or ask. I want to be supportive but I’m so afraid of accidentally hurting. I made a brief comment that I intended to be very supportive in saying I have friends with autism, and my original intent in getting my degree was to provide support to those with developmental delays, especially those with autism. My phrasing must have been all wrong because he became very upset with me and said I sounded condescending and predatory. I by no means believe that i must “fix” him. If anything I feel I have so much to learn from him! I don’t want to risk saying something harmful again. I’m open to ANY advice or suggestions! Thank you! K

Parents

  • Autistic people of normal intelligence tend to resent the assumption, far too often encountered, that autism = developmental delay. Also there is an assumption that developmental delay (which should really be intellectual disability) makes someone somehow like a child in a mans body. People with intellectual disabilities aren't necessarily developmentally delayed in any area but intelligence. They are 'dumb' adults not children in adult bodies but terminology like developmental delay can give that impression of infantilisation.

    So while you were trying to say, "I know something about autism and feel well equipped to offer you support," what he probably heard was "because you are autistic you have the mind of a child and need me to look after you."

    In fairness if your primary knowledge of autism is through education about people with intellectual disabilities it is unlikely to translate well to dealing with autistic people of normal intelligence.

  • in reply to Peter

    Thank you for your post and insight. I see more clearly now how what I said was heard in a very different way than I meant. I did previously work one on one with two non-verbal teens, I was co workers and friends with a man with Asperger’s in addition to my studies. But you are 1000% right- each individual is different and is affected so differently. But also, I have limited experience with an adult with a typical intellect. (Is that ok to say “typical intellect”??) 

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  • in reply to Peter

    Thank you for your post and insight. I see more clearly now how what I said was heard in a very different way than I meant. I did previously work one on one with two non-verbal teens, I was co workers and friends with a man with Asperger’s in addition to my studies. But you are 1000% right- each individual is different and is affected so differently. But also, I have limited experience with an adult with a typical intellect. (Is that ok to say “typical intellect”??) 

Children
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