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Dating someone with autism

Pk007

Hello- I find myself here so that I can hopefully become a better partner. I recently started seeing someone who disclosed that he has autism. I feel completely lost at what to say, do or ask. I want to be supportive but I’m so afraid of accidentally hurting. I made a brief comment that I intended to be very supportive in saying I have friends with autism, and my original intent in getting my degree was to provide support to those with developmental delays, especially those with autism. My phrasing must have been all wrong because he became very upset with me and said I sounded condescending and predatory. I by no means believe that i must “fix” him. If anything I feel I have so much to learn from him! I don’t want to risk saying something harmful again. I’m open to ANY advice or suggestions! Thank you! K

Parents

  • Sometimes it can be difficult to give advice as we are all quite different (and like Purple, some of us can find relationships quite difficult). 

    If I were in his position, I'd probably appreciate you being open about you do and don't know about autism - maybe say "this is what I understand it to be, tell me from your perspective". Ask him how it affects him and what you need to know to make the relationship work. This will give him a chance to tell you what he personally has difficulties with and let you know how to support. If you feel concerned about offending him with the way you phrase things then be honest and tell him - ask him to tell you if you say something that he thinks in insensitive and explain why so that you can understand autism better.

    Neurodiversity is a more appropriate way of describing autism. Developmental delays sounds like we are behind everyone else and still unfinished - we have finished developing, our brains just did it slightly differently to the majority.

    My family make comments that I really hate, mostly well meaning such as the classic "We're all a bit autistic" and "You don't seem very autistic". My guess is that they're trying to make me feel better by downplaying the difference between me and the rest of the family but I feel like it is invalidating all the struggles I have behind the scenes to appear "not very autistic". I sometimes feel that they don't really understand and I often don't have the energy to explain it, however if they were proactive and said "I don't know about this so if I say something stupid out of ignorance then please correct me so I can learn" then I'd feel much more comfortable in explaining.    

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  • Sometimes it can be difficult to give advice as we are all quite different (and like Purple, some of us can find relationships quite difficult). 

    If I were in his position, I'd probably appreciate you being open about you do and don't know about autism - maybe say "this is what I understand it to be, tell me from your perspective". Ask him how it affects him and what you need to know to make the relationship work. This will give him a chance to tell you what he personally has difficulties with and let you know how to support. If you feel concerned about offending him with the way you phrase things then be honest and tell him - ask him to tell you if you say something that he thinks in insensitive and explain why so that you can understand autism better.

    Neurodiversity is a more appropriate way of describing autism. Developmental delays sounds like we are behind everyone else and still unfinished - we have finished developing, our brains just did it slightly differently to the majority.

    My family make comments that I really hate, mostly well meaning such as the classic "We're all a bit autistic" and "You don't seem very autistic". My guess is that they're trying to make me feel better by downplaying the difference between me and the rest of the family but I feel like it is invalidating all the struggles I have behind the scenes to appear "not very autistic". I sometimes feel that they don't really understand and I often don't have the energy to explain it, however if they were proactive and said "I don't know about this so if I say something stupid out of ignorance then please correct me so I can learn" then I'd feel much more comfortable in explaining.    

Children
  • in reply to Spreadsheets&Pizza

    After this disaster of a conversation I apologized and we had a better talk. I first asked, “I think I understand some of autism, but would it be alright if I asked questions to better understand how it affects you?” And that conversation was so much more productive. But, there’s a bit of residual anger I think about my initial comment. He keeps bringing it back up and saying “did you show that to your parents? My parents would be angry.” And I said, “this seems like it’s still bothering you. Are you upset with me still? Or are you angry with me still?” And he said no. But has brought it up each time we’ve seen each other. How can I help him move past this also? It’s almost like he’s fixated on it.