Published on 12, July, 2020
It’s been a few weeks since I got my diagnosis of Level One and I’m pondering how to best make it known to the colleagues in my department that I am autistic. I know there’s no necessity to do so, but I think I’d benefit from the awareness. This is because I’ve felt a lot of pressure at times (on the rare occasions it’s come up) to be seen to apply for higher grade posts (with some managerial elements, need to innovate etc) in which I know I’d be deeply unhappy, stressed, an would rapidly burn out in. I’m incredibly fortunate to be in a cataloguing-type job that suits me perfectly in a way few other gigs ever would, and I could really do with feeling like I could be a ‘lifer’ in said post, with greater understanding from my colleagues about why orthodox ‘ambition’ just isn’t the healthy path for me. There are also environmental sensitivities I’ve always had to the overhead lighting etc. which I’ve been fortunate enough to get some compromises arranged around with understanding but at times bemused colleagues. When they’ve forgotten and out the big lights on over my desk I’ll sometimes put on sunglasses not to be an *** but just to compensate without making demands. In truth, I’d need very little adjusted gif me if anything, but I think it could be healthy to mention it, once, via an email or something, say that it’s no big deal but it’s just for general awareness and maybe better understanding of what makes me tick, and to show that I have no sense of stigma about it - the opposite as it maybe gives some of my nature/priorities/needs a bit more context.
Has anyone else done this sort of thing? Would it be best to have a private meeting with my line manager and discuss doing the email thing? Or would just emailing the dozen or so people I work with directly, without prior discussion just with management, be appropriate enough? I honestly think that disclosing it could take some pressure (real or imagined) off my shoulders in ways I’m not even sure I can (or need to) fully articulate.
Recent days have seen me begin to re-frame my self-labelling from ‘underachiever’ (overly harsh to begin with) to ‘done pretty damn well considering’ (the statistics I’ve researched so far suggest that even to be in steady full-time employment of any kind is a minority thing for ‘Asperger’s’ people, as is having a university degree etc.). And part of me would like my colleagues to also experience that tilt of the mirror too, and they’re a nice enough bunch to just low-key acknowledge it and that would be that. Does that sound ok? I hope it wouldn’t come over as self indulgent - the opposite of my intention, which is more to do with mutually helpful sharing of my neurodivergency to the collective benefit of good working dynamics and, admittedly, my own sense of well-being.
Let Occupational Health know if you have one in your company and also your manager. I wouldn't tell anyone else unless you want to. It is there to ensure you get treated correctly. If you don't have any problems where you work I probably wouldn't mention it to anyone, or maybe just your manager.
Thanks Pathfinder. I suppose I do want to because I want to start identifying (without overdoing it or boring on too often) as an autistic person, even if that means mentioning it once, saying that I don’t require a reply or anything, and leaving it at that. I don’t have problems as such, but I have this paranoia that my staying in my perfect job instead of seeking greater challenges (all of which would involve a transition from the granular nature of my work to something with a high-level overview, need to formulate plans, delegate and do on. In other words, *too*! Challenging!) is looked down on by many - I’m largely imagining it I think. In any case I’m simply not wired that way, and when I witness the alchemy these people perform at meetings and such it might as well be a magic trick so nonplussed am I as to how they’re doing it so intuitely and in the moment).
even before my diagnosis, I’ve always known I had a range of information and emotion processing difficulties that can be best summed up like this: I put three times as much time, thought and effort effort into getting something wrong as most people put into getting it right. I also lose track of what’s being said when new information or updates are being rattled off in meetings and things (the thankfully few I need to attend) and seem to just have cognitive paralysis in those situations.
Therefore I know I’m not ‘holding myself back’ by staying in the post I’m in, but rather hugely valuing the miracle of having found my level, a perfect niche fit that works well for me and never gets boring for me even though I can understand why NT people might want to do something else after a while. I also like being expert in my field, and topping that up in manageable ways as certain factors and practices evolve. I don’t need the shock of brand new horizons and a completely new learning curve from scratch, that has little appeal at this point in my life. I hope that sounds ok and not pathetic. I hope it’s ok to even be a little bit proud of myself? That I’m in a good 9-5 specialist job, modestly but fairly paid, in a great and quite prestigious environment, and that I have some good solid career and educational experience going all the way back over 25 years of continuous employment. I read recently that 80% of Level One autistic people are employed but that only 20% are in full time permanent work. So it’s ok to think I’m doing alright I think? Sorry, I really struggle with this need for external validation. Need to get better at just having inner certainty about this stuff! I kind of do actually but aI also seem to have a deep need for approval to feel positive about it.
anyway, I’m rambling now. I think I will just try ghe drafting an email approach. Have it ready, mention to my line manager that I’m going to send it and am just clueing him in, and then send. The worst thing that can happen I suppose is that two or three people will consider it overkill but will be nice about if anyway. I’m just inclined to want to be an open book, and to set out my stall for the future as ‘here’s what I am and continuity (albeit with inevitably changing working practices over time) is what I need, and that’s what I’ll be doing and thanks for reading this FYI. I’ll find a way to make it a bit lighter than that of course! And with an acknowledged self awareness that nothing fundamentally changes, except in small ways perhaps - mostly a setting aside of the massive internal pressure I’ve been feeling, despite myself, to judge myself by NT standards and normsbecause I assume that my colleagues are appraising my level of achievement through that prism too. I’d like to change the filter, so to speak. as long as it doesn’t sound a disastrous plan (just one that some would do, others would not), then I’ll do the email thing soon… I think.
I'd send it in by snail mail to Occ Health, if you are going down the route of drafting a letter. Send it recorded and file the receipt and a copy of the letter somewhere safe. If you ever need to use it for something (tribunal, etc) then you can access the letter and receipt for proof. You could also send an email to your manager as well and cc it to your own personal email address (to create an electronic trail), but I would definitely send a formal letter too.
If you are going to do it, then do it properly. In all likelihood you will never need to use it as proof, but if you do, it's nice if you can throw up a bunch of evidence to whomever needs it, showing you did inform them.
That sounds very sensible and I’ll take your advice. Thanks!