Published on 12, July, 2020
For essentially my whole life I've hated doing things where people can see me doing them. I noticed it a lot during school, because I would hate doing work around my peers. The hating doing work where people can see me thing particularly came to light in sixth form, where during "study periods" I would never study because I felt like I was being watched, and it made me super uncomfortable. If I ever needed to get any work done I had to go to the isolated study booths in the library where people couldn't see me, but there was only a few so they often weren't available. I think this is part of why I underperformed in my a-levels.
Now that I'm out of school, I notice more that it manifests in literally everything else I do. I hate cleaning when people are at home, I can't cook when people are in the kitchen, it took me months to be able to shower when people are home because I can hear the shower from anywhere in the house and therefore people will know I'm showering, which my brain doesn't like. I also do everything super quietly all the time, even stuff like opening the fridge. I just don't like that people can see or know what I'm doing ever, and I feel as though maybe it comes from being told I'm doing things "the wrong way" so much growing up. Or maybe it's just an autistic thing. Hence this post. Does anyone else feel similarly? I feel like this isn't something I see being talked about a lot, and so I'm curious as to whether it's the autism or just me being "weird" in some other way.
I have this, too. Used to hate using the phone at work if there was anyone around, and even now I’ll go into a different room if I have to ring for a doctor’s appointment or order takeaway.
I remember someone commenting once, when I was eating my lunch at work, that I looked as though I didn’t want anyone to see me - and they were right!
Could probably come up with more examples if I thought about it…so, yes, I definitely relate to your post.
I completely forgot how much I also hated eating lunch at school. I would only eat while others were eating, even if I didn't get the chance to finish my lunch. This is still often the case when I go out to eat with family, I cannot be the last one still eating!
jellyrabbit said:I would only eat while others were eating,
I used to feel like this when I was hell bent on restricting my food to control some aspect of my life. It was difficult eating in front of others as I hated the whole thing. The noise of other people eating, the fact I didn't want to eat but felt forced to and the fact that I felt people were looking at me and perhaps picking up on the fact that I didn't want to eat....
I have gotten better at this but today when it's just me, I have barely eaten because I have no motivation to other than my stomach telling me it needs food. I need to do a food shop but haven't gotten dressed today and the thought of having to deal with the sensory overload of the supermarket is more than I can deal with. I know I will have to go tomorrow as my daughter will be back so I will need to buy things for her lunches etc. Hopefully I will feel more motivated tomorrow after a hibernating bear day.....
Best wishes, tomorrow is a new day!