Apologising for behaviour?

NAS88108 said:

It's not just about you! That's the main issue here.

This is a very good point. The issue is the OPs behaviour up to the point of meltdown when they were being frustrated.

We have to exist in a society when the "high functioning" group of autists can more or less get by and integrate to a degree. We cannot expect the same society to put up with our bad behaviour just because we have a disability tag,

If someone in a wheelchair was being a real a-hole to me in the street just because they were frustrated then I would tell them to behave (probably in more colourful language) as they have no right to upset me by being abusive.

I believe we have a responsibility to educate ourselves in what expected behaviour standards are and follow them as much as is reasonable. This will vary from individual to individual depending on their intelligence, ability and capacity.

For us as a very small part of society (2-5% of the population are "high functioning" I believe) to expect dispensation to be a-holes just because we are frustrated is unfair to the other 95-98%. If we are in meltdown then this is a different story but up to this point we need to accept responsibility for our actions.

If crowds stress you to the point of a violent meltdown then you avoid crowds. If flying does this then don't fly and so on. Most of this is pretty common sense.

There will always be unexpected events that stress us but I believe we need to take the responsibility to teach ourselves how to get out (or avoid getting into) such situations whenever possible and to learn as much mastery as we are capable of over our anxiety / sensory build up.

I suspect not everyone will agree with this assessment.

I just replied to him about that. I see it this way, i always apologize for mine but the ones who caused it, they never apologized back. So i dont see the point in apologizing for those who cause a meltdown.. apologise to those who didn't cause it and saw the meltdown in my book. I used a personal experience of mine to state my reasoning as well. 

I think everyone might agree it polite to apoligize.. however, your comment "Its not all about you" is a little out there isn't.. 

Okay, we are ment to apologise for meltdown and trauma it caused by others. I am for one and I may be on the ASD Spectrum but I follow that up with my Drs and trying to get a disganosis.  But you brought up a good point.  

So in 2015, I when and I will use the word Meltdown. That when into me punching a brick wall and the concrete outside, crying and shaking, all because my ex at the time was non-stop saying bad stuff about her family. Her friends, her boss, asking me to be open up to her cause I was silent and never spoke about myself, to her going into telling me to be quiet and go into her struggles and how she spoke to her therapist on the phone, to constantly telling me to get to the dr and seek mental health for myself and then tell me that I was just thinking about god damn self. 

And guess what the morning after, I said "sorry, you shouldn"t have seen that, i was stressed out and overhwelmed because you laid too much on me the past 2 wèeks".. for her to not apologise back and then lay it on me all again how bad her oarents treated her, how this one friend is that and this.. and how her boss is while at work.. 

You want to say "It's not all about yourself" that someone having a meltdown should apologise, why should we apologise for our actions if they caused it and why do we have to apoligize if they don't apologise back for creating it.  

Yes. If meltdown happens around people who didn't cause it then apologizes, i will agree on. But if they.caused it then No, i say don't apologize unless they are willing to apoligize back. 

It's a bit of a judgement call, about how innocent the bystanders really are sometimes, but I see my own conduct in the context of "service delivery".

If/when I fail to meet my own standards, it doesn't hurt to let people know that happened, and that I'm not very pleased about it.. 

You're not apologizing for who you are, you're apologizing for the impact you've had on the other person or people. ALWAYS APOLOGIZE. It's polite, kind, thoughtful, considerate of others and isn't focusing on you for once. It's taking responsibility for your actions and the fact that even though it's hard to control your actions they still cause huge trauma to those you are meant to care about. 

It's not just about you! That's the main issue here. It's about the person that's in the receiving end of your meltdown too. Imagine that the meltdown also involved physical violence and the next day you said nothing but there was the recipient with a broken leg and bruised body. I think they'd feel pretty challenged not to at least hear a 'sorry' and 'are you okay'!! That's how role feel after your meltdowns, broken and bruised. It's caring for the other person's feelings and how they've been traumatized by your meltdown. IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU!!!

Yo never need to apologise for being overwhelmed, the meltdown is an involuntary response to stress that your autistic neurology cannot process. Meltdowns are a natural and vital means of re-regulating the autistic nervous system. I know that you might have felt obligated to apologise, but a meltdown is completely out of your control and necessary for you to feel calm again later.

Thank you. I’ve sent a nice informative email without apologising, which feels odd. I’ve always apologised in the past as I didn’t know it’s something I can’t help. And to be fair….my family have said they’d have kicked off under similar circumstances and were really supportive. It is confusing though this ASD journey. Until recently I’d just assumed poor parenting was to blame for the way I am and blamed myself. 

I had that moment some time ago as well, it's hard to stop yourself, 

so make it sound informative not apologetic

Explain your situation, but don't grovel to them. If they don't understand, that's THEIR problem, not yours.