Had enough

If you believe that your daughter deserves better, then you have to start thinking of how you can become better for her, because even if you think that your bf can replace you, well your daughter isn't going to have another birth mom, and if you died and her baby sibling died, it's going to leave a scar on your daughter for the rest of her life, and she might even blame herself for your demise, and that's not the type of thing any child should go through. 

There's some things that your parents failed to give you, and that's a sense of self-worth, and a sense of security, and those are the two most important things for any child to have. And if they haven't given you those things as a child, then you have to try to work through that trauma as an adult in order to give yourself those things. 

There's therapists and psychologists and an abundance of information online about surviving trauma and abuse and recovery, and these types of things have been my secondary "parents" in a matter of speaking, to teach me the skills and knowledge that I lacked growing up.

I mean I can list out a great number of things my family did (violence, abuse, trap me in the dark, threaten me with sharp objects, punishment through hitting, gaslighting, manipulation), and even when I separated from family, there was a lot of trauma left over that was ruining my life.

But I reasoned with myself, that if I am going to die anyways, I'll die trying to face my trauma, because facing trauma feels like a death sentence, but it's nothing worse than what nightmares I was already experiencing in my life at the time. But from facing trauma and processing it, I recovered.

It's like encountering a snake that bites you, and even if you want to run away by instinct, that snake's venom is in your blood and hurting you over time, and even if you never want to see that snake again, you have to revisit that snake to have the opportunity of creating anti-venom to cure yourself, or die trying. But if you wait too long you know you'll die from the venom for sure. 

Hello Rainbow,

I’m sorry you are going through such a tough time, it’s good that you’ve let us know what’s happening/how you feel. Many people have similar thoughts when coping with so much and we hope you’re okay.  

  If you are unable to cope with the distress or despair, it’s very important to tell someone about your feelings or thoughts of suicide. Call your GP and make an urgent appointment. Your GP can make sure you get appropriate help and support. 

  If it’s outside your GP hours call  111  to reach the NHS 111 service: 

https://www.nhs.uk/nhs-services/urgent-and-emergency-care-services/when-to-use-111/ 

The Samaritans also provide confidential non-judgemental emotional support, 24 hours a day on 116 123, or by email on jo@samaritans.org. 

MIND have information pages on coping with self harm or suicidal feelings based on the experiences of people who’ve been through it that you may find helpful.  

If you are very close to doing something to hurt yourself - call 999 now or go to your nearest A&E department. There should be someone there to support you and make sure you get ongoing support. 

You can find more information here: 

https://www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/suicide 

All the best,

ChloeMod

Don't let the Demons win. 

The past can't change, and we have no idea what's in store for the future. All that matters is now. 

other matter not, only you and your kid

there are well paid jobs for drivers,

and a steady inflow of those from eastern europe has stopped,

so it's easy to get it now,

you could drive a TIR truck for a big company with your kid onboard,

and move somewhere else, more peaceful, in some nice little village,

change a phone number like I did to avoid mum's nagging,

build something with more meaning for you and your kid

I failed driving test, probably for the better, i find it boring as hell and i get distracted in 5min or less, don't want to kill someone on my first day driving

I'm not ringing anyone or seeing any drs they don't care at all they just try and give you fuking meds all the time! I can't skip the work party last year I did just that and my employer basically said don't do it again next year or your have no job to come back to. I am worthless I'm a bloody joke of a human being. Wtf! Why am I getting advice from a bloody school kid!!! No nothing. I don't matter and I'm worth f all. My bf is the only one who ever there for me my parents basically disowned me at an early age apparently having a retarded kid was to much for them and then I met my bf and finally someone got me. I didn't want kids but it happened and now I have to try and look after her my bf is always to tired so it down to me. Ive got to go to work every day which is total bs my colleagues bully me and there's this one guy there who keeps touching me inappropriately and when I tell the boss he says is all in my head and to stop overreacting. I'm a human being not a toy! I have bloody feelings not that anyone gives a ***. If I died rn no one would care that's how worthless my life is. My bf would be sad for a bit but he's good looking so he'd fin someone else. As for driving I was surprised I passed the test as I'm a bloody awful driver and working there was no other option I had to provide for my kid and benefits wasn't enough we were going hungry and about to lose the flat London expensive place to live. I can hardly cope and handle the girl I have now another child just scares the hell out of me. I'm a crap mum my daughter hates me and im awful to her at times she deserves far better. Ive always struggled with my anger though growing up I always got in to fights with other kids and teachers. My parents constantly hit me told me to calm down and grow up. I thought being an adult would make me better but look at me now I'm a bloody mess and I'm worth nothing to no one

me and my sisters used to make Christmas decorations out of paper in various colours as gifts

My mum couldn't afford winters boots for me, when we had winters 3 months long with half a meter of snow every year, barely coping to pay for us 4 plus useless tyrant of a dad, but we loved each other and kept together, loving does not include 'dad'

I am sure your kid loves you more than anything

and your bf's behaviour needs some serious adjustment as well

Well, even with asd and anxiety, you managed to get your driver's license, hold down a job, get a partner, and have a child. I can't fathom how you did all that to be honest, because I couldn't even leave my house with the level of anxiety I used to suffer from, and I still don't have a driver's license yet.

You have asd, anxiety, and epilepsy, and you know what, it's hard to take care of yourself, and be there for everyone else. I don't think your bf should be telling you that you're useless all the time, because if he had your condition, I'd doubt he could keep up with what you're doing. I think that anyone who calls you useless all the time deserves to walk in front of a car more than you do. I'm not saying that your bf should be injured, I'm just saying that it's not nice for anyone to say those kinds of things to you. 

If you can't buy anything expensive for Xmas, just buy a few cheaper items and put them in a cup, and bundle them together in clear plastic with a ribbon, it just looks fancier that way, or just find an activity to do with your daughter to spend time together. And if you don't want to go to the Xmas party for work, just don't go. Just spend time with your daughter instead. 

Hi I'm sorry your going through so much. It sounds tough for you, but know your not alone there's lots of people who can offer you support here

I haven't experienced a lot of what you're going through as I'm still at school but I do know that you are a loved and wonderful person, your daughter loves you and your baby will need you as well ️ Don't give up on them or yourself

Don't worry about Xmas. My mum couldn't afford Xmas a few years ago so we had no gifts we just spent time together and played games. We still had a great time 

What I do know is that everyone matters and is an asset to this world

You do matter and you are worth it

Always here if you need to vent

Rainbow said:

stupid work party

skip it for starters, I can't stand them too

when I was 20 I was thinking all the time I do not want to live past 40,

then you endure, you perservere, we better at this then others

I am 42 atm, and not thinking like that anymore

found some meaning in life and friends

though no wife, no kids, and I would so much want kids of my own

it will probably never happen, unless I clone myself

I might end up male version of an old cat lady LOL

still I want it and more

Please call Samaritans. http://samaritans.org

You are NOT a failure! You are NOT worthless! You have a baby to look forward to! Don't let the B*****ds grind you down!