Had enough

I'm not ringing anyone or seeing any drs they don't care at all they just try and give you fuking meds all the time! I can't skip the work party last year I did just that and my employer basically said don't do it again next year or your have no job to come back to. I am worthless I'm a bloody joke of a human being. Wtf! Why am I getting advice from a bloody school kid!!! No nothing. I don't matter and I'm worth f all. My bf is the only one who ever there for me my parents basically disowned me at an early age apparently having a retarded kid was to much for them and then I met my bf and finally someone got me. I didn't want kids but it happened and now I have to try and look after her my bf is always to tired so it down to me. Ive got to go to work every day which is total bs my colleagues bully me and there's this one guy there who keeps touching me inappropriately and when I tell the boss he says is all in my head and to stop overreacting. I'm a human being not a toy! I have bloody feelings not that anyone gives a ***. If I died rn no one would care that's how worthless my life is. My bf would be sad for a bit but he's good looking so he'd fin someone else. As for driving I was surprised I passed the test as I'm a bloody awful driver and working there was no other option I had to provide for my kid and benefits wasn't enough we were going hungry and about to lose the flat London expensive place to live. I can hardly cope and handle the girl I have now another child just scares the hell out of me. I'm a crap mum my daughter hates me and im awful to her at times she deserves far better. Ive always struggled with my anger though growing up I always got in to fights with other kids and teachers. My parents constantly hit me told me to calm down and grow up. I thought being an adult would make me better but look at me now I'm a bloody mess and I'm worth nothing to no one

I'm not ringing anyone or seeing any drs they don't care at all they just try and give you fuking meds all the time! I can't skip the work party last year I did just that and my employer basically said don't do it again next year or your have no job to come back to. I am worthless I'm a bloody joke of a human being. Wtf! Why am I getting advice from a bloody school kid!!! No nothing. I don't matter and I'm worth f all. My bf is the only one who ever there for me my parents basically disowned me at an early age apparently having a retarded kid was to much for them and then I met my bf and finally someone got me. I didn't want kids but it happened and now I have to try and look after her my bf is always to tired so it down to me. Ive got to go to work every day which is total bs my colleagues bully me and there's this one guy there who keeps touching me inappropriately and when I tell the boss he says is all in my head and to stop overreacting. I'm a human being not a toy! I have bloody feelings not that anyone gives a ***. If I died rn no one would care that's how worthless my life is. My bf would be sad for a bit but he's good looking so he'd fin someone else. As for driving I was surprised I passed the test as I'm a bloody awful driver and working there was no other option I had to provide for my kid and benefits wasn't enough we were going hungry and about to lose the flat London expensive place to live. I can hardly cope and handle the girl I have now another child just scares the hell out of me. I'm a crap mum my daughter hates me and im awful to her at times she deserves far better. Ive always struggled with my anger though growing up I always got in to fights with other kids and teachers. My parents constantly hit me told me to calm down and grow up. I thought being an adult would make me better but look at me now I'm a bloody mess and I'm worth nothing to no one

If you believe that your daughter deserves better, then you have to start thinking of how you can become better for her, because even if you think that your bf can replace you, well your daughter isn't going to have another birth mom, and if you died and her baby sibling died, it's going to leave a scar on your daughter for the rest of her life, and she might even blame herself for your demise, and that's not the type of thing any child should go through. 

There's some things that your parents failed to give you, and that's a sense of self-worth, and a sense of security, and those are the two most important things for any child to have. And if they haven't given you those things as a child, then you have to try to work through that trauma as an adult in order to give yourself those things. 

There's therapists and psychologists and an abundance of information online about surviving trauma and abuse and recovery, and these types of things have been my secondary "parents" in a matter of speaking, to teach me the skills and knowledge that I lacked growing up.

I mean I can list out a great number of things my family did (violence, abuse, trap me in the dark, threaten me with sharp objects, punishment through hitting, gaslighting, manipulation), and even when I separated from family, there was a lot of trauma left over that was ruining my life.

But I reasoned with myself, that if I am going to die anyways, I'll die trying to face my trauma, because facing trauma feels like a death sentence, but it's nothing worse than what nightmares I was already experiencing in my life at the time. But from facing trauma and processing it, I recovered.

It's like encountering a snake that bites you, and even if you want to run away by instinct, that snake's venom is in your blood and hurting you over time, and even if you never want to see that snake again, you have to revisit that snake to have the opportunity of creating anti-venom to cure yourself, or die trying. But if you wait too long you know you'll die from the venom for sure. 

Don't let the Demons win. 

The past can't change, and we have no idea what's in store for the future. All that matters is now. 

other matter not, only you and your kid

there are well paid jobs for drivers,

and a steady inflow of those from eastern europe has stopped,

so it's easy to get it now,

you could drive a TIR truck for a big company with your kid onboard,

and move somewhere else, more peaceful, in some nice little village,

change a phone number like I did to avoid mum's nagging,

build something with more meaning for you and your kid

I failed driving test, probably for the better, i find it boring as hell and i get distracted in 5min or less, don't want to kill someone on my first day driving