Published on 12, July, 2020
He asked if I was annoyed at him this morning and I said no, explained it was an external situation that was annoying me. He repeated the questioning so many times to the point I asked him frustratedly to trust that I was telling him the truth. He said he should just go kill himself and slammed a door. When told this wasn’t okay he brought it back to autism.
The other day I went out with my friends for Halloween to a club event. I told him before that I didn’t really want to go and would probably be back early. I understand I was at fault because he took this literally. He blew up my phone on every social media asking why I wasn’t replying and he accused me of not being where I said I was. When I proved I was he said he never said it. He’s often saying he never said things that he did.
We all went home after that. When I got home he said that I was a hypocrite because I kicked him out when he went out with his friends and came back late - which is a lie. He said he was leaving at like 3am because he “refused to be spoken to like that” - when I was just disputing outright lies. I offered him the sofa multiple times and he refused, before eventually coming to my front door and shouting for hours. He says this was an autistic freak out, and that he never made stuff up but that it was due to his autism. I’m so tired of everything being to do with his autism. I feel like I’m a constant carer for his emotional well-being.
He also doesn’t work due to stress related seizures, spends all of his money on weed to reduce the seizures (he’s had one in 3 months b it that could be because he smokes an ounce in a few days), and I’m now supporting us. He’s moved in with me and doesn’t contribute, I mean he’ll pay for the odd thing but then I end up having to buy his weed because he doesn’t have enough. He would end up homeless if anything were to go wrong here. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
So he acts like that, and he uses you for weed? If he was serious about his health condition, he'd find a way to deal with his health issues on his own and find a way to pay for it without involving you, like by getting a job or going through government financial assistance program.
I saw your message that he sits down with you to talk to you and discuss things with you like fully grown adults, and of course he'll do that, because you're his bank account, you're were he gets his money from. If he upsets you and you leave him, he will have no more free money from you.
This just sounds very unhealthy. I mean, if a friend was in your situation, what would you think? Would you like your friend being yelled at and lied to and used for their money? That's not very nice.
He seems very chaotic and stress provoking, and he seems unable to regulate his emotions, and by your descriptions of him, it makes me think of descriptions of personality disorders.
I know there's comparisons being made between autism and narcissism sometimes, and although both have issues socializing and displaying empathy, their outputs are different.
I'd say that autism is asocial (a- meaning lacking social awareness) and there can be a type of cluelessness about them when socializing (what kind of body language or facial expression would be appropriate for this situation? They might have some social awkwardness, and the topics they discuss can be catered towards their own special interests, and they speak genuinely when talking about a topic they like. Socializing can overwhelming and draining which leads to social withdrawal, so they need a lot of personal space to recover, or else they will have a meltdown, but after some rest they feel a lot better.
Narcissism is antisocial (anti- meaning against socializing, against society) and they see others as distrustworthy, enemies, and people they can take advantage of. Socializing is a transaction for them, it's either people are a threat or a benefit,. There's chaos, control, blame, jealousy, guilt-tripping, gaslighting. There's a flip in personalities, between being charming and being degrading, there's lovebombing and devaluation. There's a bunch of things like it's a rollarcoaster ride. There's a selfishness about them that ruins things for those around them. They always take from others, and they expect others to always give to them.
Narcissism does seem to be a favorite catch all for certain personality disorders at the moment. But I'm not saying that isn't what the issue is here.
Another possibility, which I am obviously slightly biased toward, is ADHD.
Alcohol and cannabis use is highly prevalent in people with ADHD. As is criminal and anti-social behaviour, particularly in males. Mood swings, motivational issues, and explosive and impulsive behaviours are also big issues.
During my assessment I mentioned a couple of times about whether I might be a sociopath, or BPD, as teenage friends hinted at sociopathy, but the assessor didn't really dwell on the idea nor mention it as something worth investigating.
Now maybe they had no expertise about those particular issues, but the only thing that came up in my report was, ASD, alexithymia, and the display of cardinal ADHD traits. I was hinting at possible BPD but it didn't come to anything.
I've also had friends and clients who work in and around various clinical and therapeutic settings, some dealing with very disturbing situations and behaviours, and nobody has mentioned any hint of me possibly having those disorders.
But some did hint at autism, ADHD.
It's all quite fascinating
Now that you mention it, I recall reading about the similarities between ADHD and NPD. It was from this link. I hope it's okay to share links. The post is called "ADHD and Lacking Empathy: Was I Raising a Narcissist?" by Gina Pera.
https://adhdrollercoaster.org/adhd-and-relationships/adhd-and-lacking-empathy-was-i-raising-a-narcissist/
Basically, a young girl shows traits of narcissism and a lack of empathy and irritability. Her mother has ADHD and took medication for it. But the grandmother and grandfather displayed narcissistic traits and behaviors, and these traits just seemed to run in the family, but they refused to get tested for ADHD as they saw nothing wrong with themselves.
The girl got diagnosed for ADHD, and she took medication. Her mood was more stable, she could empsthise with classmates, and she could make connections between cause and effect, which she previously had issues with doing.
I think that the term narcissism and the traits attributed to it just seems a psychologist's observations based on behaviors, but ADHD is what's going on in the brain. But not everyone with ADHD has NPD though. I think NPD requires a lot of shame, possibly from not being able to focus in school, and then defense mechanisms form against feelings of shame.
I guess my intention for stating narcissism was because the behaviors in the original post reminded me of personality disorders, but it's likely that his behaviors are from his ADHD that he's been trying to self-medicate through taking weed in order to try to regulate his mood.
So perhaps if he gets treatment for his ADHD, his mood and behaviors will improve.
I've grown up with someone who has high narcissistic traits and low empathy, and in early childhood they seem like they had symptoms of ADHD, and they had trouble focusing in school, which lead to a lot of negative feedback from teachers, students, and parents, and that created a deeply rooted level of shame, and shame is the core issue of NPD. Those with ADHD might have issues with cause and effect, which is similar to those with NPD too.
ADHD can also cause mood regulation difficulties, like they can feel irritable, angry, short temper, and have outbursts of rage, which are similar symptoms of those with NPD. But not everyone with ADHD develops NPD. I think it has to do with upbringing. But ADHD has medication and treatment options, whereas NPD does not.
I would not like to accuse anyone of being a narcissist just to put them down or anything. There are people who's diagnosed with NPD, and they call themselves a narcissist, and I like to talk about the traits they have and make connections, but I do not like to demonize them.