Published on 12, July, 2020
I haven't ever made a public post about my autism like this, I just know I want to say something... even if I'm not 100% sure what that something is.
I'm self-diagnosed, I started finally accepting that I'm autistic a few months ago now and I'm currently in training for my first job in 5 years. I'm 27 now and I have had a few jobs in the past, usually they lasted around 1 month and I managed to stick with one for about 6 months. For a long time, I thought I had just been so unlucky with the life I got (abusive parents, exposure to violence and drugs growing up, neglectful teachers, exploitative employers, and so on) that when I finally got a home I can live in alone through social housing and benefits that, mostly, got me enough money to stay alive. Hm, that sentence sure did get long.
Anyway, when I finally got this home I thought "Now I can recover from all those traumatic experiences at my own pace, and eventually I'll be able to cope with normal life as a normal person". But, if I'm right about how my autism has affected my experiences then maybe I've just been more susceptible to trauma than a neurotypical person would have been, maybe the idea of recovering and becoming normal is flawed. Maybe I'm just doomed to repeat the pattern and the job I have now is going to break me again.
Ah, this job. It's a call centre job and I work it from home on my PC. I have worked in 2 other call centres in the past, the first was temporary. Just a week long and it was bearable. The second was the most difficult time of my entire life, worse than growing up in my family, worse than the isolation and bullying in high school. Frankly, it made me suicidal and one of the two friends I had at the time become more resentful of me the more negative I became. Now, my current job I haven't officially started and maybe it'll be fine. After all, I found it through a "work and health programme" in the job centre after I specifically asked for minimum customer service and stress. But the training so far has been giving me flashbacks, I hear phrases like "rapport" and "soft skills" and I instantly clench up and feel nauseous and after just 3 days I've been crying and self-medicating with alcohol.
I just don't know what to do. I can take care of myself, I can cook and clean and maintain hygiene. I just haven't been able to survive in any job I've had and I don't even know what I can ask an employer to do to help me cope better. Will short shifts help? Will a less social job help? Are there even entry-level jobs I can do that aren't hospitality or customer service? It's not like I'm not capable of getting educated or learning skills, I got a microbiology degree and sure I don't know what I can do with it but I like to think it counts for something. I need money to live but all the ways I can find of getting money are harmful to me and it's not like Universal Credit is enough to keep living on if I ever want to pay off debts or to have a decent quality of life. I'm pretty sure I'm too "functioning" to get any other kinds of benefits.
So this is my life now. Trying whatever job I can get, inevitably more call centre work, and hoping it'll just happen to work out for me because I don't know what realistic adjustments I can hope for. "Hello, I see conversations as simple exchanges of information and trying to force myself to behave in the ways you want burn me out, can I please never have to talk to someone?" By the way, it's not like I *want* to avoid people, I'm actually quite a lonely person and I love interacting with people even if it is tiring. It's just the way employers demand I communicate that I can't deal with.
Finally, in an attempt to get some kind of question out of this so it's less of a pointless shout into the void, has anyone had similar experiences? Has anyone found ways to make work life more bearable? Are there any suggestions for work that might be suitable for me?
Robert124 said:I've been ordered by my universal credit workcoach to watch YouTube videos on body language and interview skills in order to improve.
Hello Robert124, two months on I wondered how you'd been getting on. What strikes me is that "ordering" you to watch such videos to "improve" ought to be called out as discrimination on their part, especially if there was any direct threat of sanction if you couldn't improve, as they ought to realise that such imperfections in body language are a permanent part of the condition. Could a disability adviser explain as much to that workcoach, or possibly someone from the NAS to put it in writing to them? They, in turn, should be "ordered" to watch this NAS "Could you stand the rejection" video.
Robert124 said:I've been sacked by several employers and told that I'm unemployable.
Are you in contact with any of them such that they could put it in writing to this workcoach? This is what is so difficult about the "abyss" (as I described it on this other thread) between being nowhere near impaired enough to be deemed an ESA/PIP case, yet too impaired to be employers' first choice, in that ESA/PIP relies on clinical evidence from GPs but our condition isn't 'clinical' as such not needing medication or GP contact.
Robert124 said:What I hate is being told by employment advisors, is that I should take any work, just to get off benefits, and then look for more suitable jobs while I'm in employment. Then, at real interviews I get told to my face, that in their opinion, I don't really want this job, I'm just applying to get off benefits and they think I will leave as soon I find something better, so they won't give me this job because if I leave they will need to go through the recruitment process again.
What I hate is being told by employment advisors, is that I should take any work, just to get off benefits, and then look for more suitable jobs while I'm in employment. Then, at real interviews I get told to my face, that in their opinion, I don't really want this job, I'm just applying to get off benefits and they think I will leave as soon I find something better, so they won't give me this job because if I leave they will need to go through the recruitment process again.
Employment advisors are out of touch with the concept that employers often reject 'overqualified' applicants. The work coaches and advisors' role ought to be moved towards more proactive with employers, to introduce us to where they would value our strengths in roles to use them, without trying to 'therapise'/'coach' us on the things we are never going to change by definition of the condition.
NAS15878 said:I wish industries made vacancies especially for people on the spectrum, as working is really one of the hardest parts of life for me as well.
Agreed, customer/supplier/public contact and "excellent communication skills" seems to be scripted into every job description but large companies and public sector organisations must have many tasks that would suit us, if they could only put them in seperate roles.
The best way to make work life more tolerable, or at least controllable, it to be self-employed. It's a lot of hard work, is risky and lacks the support that employment brings
The best way to make work life more tolerable, or at least controllable, it to be self-employed.
It's a lot of hard work, is risky and lacks the support that employment brings
I've always been wary of over-suggestion of self-employment for Aspergers as it involves a lot of communication skill in developing a business plan, selling, marketing and dealing with bank manages, solicitors and auditors. Good luck to anyone that goes for it and does well that way but it is not for everyone.