Published on 12, July, 2020
I was never diagnosed growing up and finally been diagnosed well into adulthood.
I have had a very traumatic year and in the process of being treated for that, I was diagnosed with autism. I was told by the doctor that it is not uncommon for women to be diagnosed later in life.
I have a very hard time making friends. People just look through me and I am often mocked and ridiculed for things I say and often I cannot work out what I said that was wrong.
Also, sometimes I say things that I believe to be inoffensive and harmless but people get offended. I don't know what to do about this? I absolutely hate conflict and do not want to hurt or offend anyone but this is hard when I cannot figure out what I said or did wrong.
There's a book I discovered which someone recommended on here called A Field Guide to Earthlings. And it's quite good. The best take-a-way from this was this issue of Association. NT brains are busy in their language-feeling lobe region, so they may not recollect exactness, but simply recall how they felt. Apparently words are used like a tool for wizarding! Like turning the Reds agains Corbyn by reinforcing a suggestion he's associated with anti-semites. Or creating the value of money out of thin air just by saying it's valuable. Fantasy is conjured and Reality is disrupted by using words to manipulate feelings. So strange.
I'm late to the party as well, female, have been ghosted and ridiculed, called a Vulcan once (which honestly, I was rather proud of), and had initially sought philosophical inquiry on matters of Ethics and Social Codes to help me work out how to be a better human. It turns out society is rather dysfunctional to begin with an many individuals are in survival mode, and/or cruel and dishonest, but either way. I like having rules to engage from a human standpoint.
After 30 years of making something of an attempt to work out what was going on, here's some of my findings! Perhaps something could be useful?
Erich Fromm is a good one for practical advice on the human condition and how to facilitate kindness: The Art of Love is a great book to start. I've also found learning about the difference between boundaries and abuse just by googling them. And learning about my personality type helped - The MBTI Types, if not just how to focus on learning about how to use and build my personality.
Years ago I had been hired to make music in a church in the States (one of the larger ones where they teach qualities and functions of being helpful, and well-functioning in society) and learned quite a bit about identifying 3 the worst traits in others: those who are easily offended, those who are presumptuous and arrogant and those who demand respect. All fantastic qualities for a Villain. And even having identifications of these sort helped change who I invested time and friendship with. Those who are easily offended use it as a game to dominate. Presumption and arrogance typically go together, though NT society seemingly awards this behaviour, I find it shockingly appalling. It's good to note that, as a twist in the plot, this fundamental human characteristic, which is classified as the basis for Empathy, has a dark side. And those who demand respect are also known as Tyrants. Respect and dignity can always be given without an 'economic' loss to myself, as it needs to be given to all parties involved, so giving doesn't deplete my resources. In fact, respectful individuals aren't always immediately spotted, but there's a sense one can trust them. They're usually the ones who don't talk about others behind their backs.
I've had individuals come back to me after a few years and apologise. If not several. And there is a small part of me that believes Autistic individuals are somewhat hard-wired to be genuine and genuinely kind without a loss of self - It's an art form, something mastered. We're not easily persuaded. We can step out from society without it damaging our sense of survival (and it's often more helpful to our sense of survival), observe the mess, redesign our self and sense of being and step back in as we please.
That sounds like a good book!
"NT brains are busy in their language-feeling lobe region, so they may not recollect exactness, but simply recall how they felt."
That is very useful advice and reminds me of that saying (which has always mystified me)
People won't remember what you did but they'll remember how you made them feel.
How on earth does little old me make another person feel anything? How does that work?
And also I keep getting told to be warm towards people. I've no idea what that means! How do I 'be warm' to people?
I was told by a therapist once that the “you make me feel” premise is nonsense. The way a person reacts and feels in response to another persons comments or actions, is entirely due to their own life experience, interpretation, understanding of language etc etc.
Your therapist is right. No one makes others feel anything unless they feel like that anyway.
It's like projection. People only notice certain traits in others if they have them in themselves.
e.g. 'You are too sensitive!' said by a person who is worried that they are too sensitive.
Like all these people who hate gay people with a passion- I suspect they are trying to suppress their own gay feelings by hating those who can show them. When really, being gay is just a neutral trait, not bad or good.