People just look through me + I offend people unintentionally

Your therapist is right. No one makes others feel anything unless they feel like that anyway.

It's like projection. People only notice certain traits in others if they have them in themselves.

e.g. 'You are too sensitive!' said by a person who is worried that they are too sensitive.

Like all these people who hate gay people with a passion- I suspect they are trying to suppress their own gay feelings by hating those who can show them. When really, being gay is just a neutral trait, not bad or good.

Yes, I've said for years that we all need Emotional Education. When I say 'we' I mean human society, not autistic or non autistic people.

We need to learn to ask direct questions 'when you said XYZ, what did you mean? I was confused/ hurt/ mystified.' And the person to reply without taking offence 'what I meant was ABC.'

Yes, often when I've said 'I don't understand' 'I don't follow' and been mocked/ laughed at/ been unable to get the answer, how ever much I continue to ask. I actually told off an email friend about this. I said when I was desperately trying to get an answer out of her, she just made fun of me and didn't answer. I said I was just going to stop the conversation if she continued to do this. She apologised but she still does it sometimes, so I stop replying to her then and wait for her to talk sense again.

At the end of the day, this has all become necessary for survival. I run my own business, so becoming who I desire to be (not who others desire) and how I desire to see myself, has been the most important. I learned early on it's better to not have regrets. :) 

I was told by a therapist once that the “you make me feel” premise is nonsense. The way a person reacts and feels in response to another persons comments or actions, is entirely due to their own life experience, interpretation, understanding of language etc etc.

There's a WHOLE science to this and it's fascinating. I should note there is a Limit to what I can be responsible for in both conveying and reciprocation. 

One of the biggest problems AS individuals encounter with NTs is being accused of all manner of things regarding our behaviour or language. And yet! We actually work much harder to try to accommodate what's 'normal' - such as these forums, for instance. NTs don't have forums like this to spend ridiculous amounts of time trying to work out how to play along with Autistic society. 

Now suppose everyone was conditioned to extend a little grace to another. To be respectful by asking for help understanding. By not assuming but, in a moment of social offence, to use 'feeling' offended as a personal flag for a split second of mindfulness: oh! I've noticed an terrible feeling of offence. This person could actually mean to do this or I could be assuming, since I would do this, perhaps I'll inquire about their intent since I don't actually possess telepathy". 

This internal work which just happened - processing a feeling, embracing a more ethical possibility for exchange 1. doesn't happen overnight (Haha) and 2. Is a learned discipline to possibly facilitate a better outcome with an interaction between 2 humans.

While I would suggest it is more often that NTs feel offended, AS individuals might find themselves feeling trapped. Both can function as a catalyst for Survival Mode, which, if we slip into shuts down connexion. 

Ideally, the goal is connexion. I would suggest the opposite of this is Competition and it's nice to know I have stumbled across other AS individuals who feel the same way. But this is something I've also learned from years of reading Deleuze and Guattari.

And in order to Curate (I like this word) a connexion, one needs to recognise that I can intentionally be cruel or I can intentionally dismiss or dominate or judge or be mean in all kinds of ways to 'summon' a desired response. OK - maybe AYE I can't do this very well, but NTs can, and one thing I can actually do is simply be careless. Actually I'm brilliant at being judge-y haha. 

So this means I start asking questions on intentionality, even for a momentary exchange. The best way to start is with friendships. Following a few rules such as, never show up empty handed (even something small like chocolate), make attempts at being others-focused, allow them space to have a unique problem or space to express something that's just about them (maybe I had a same experience, but I actively make a decision not to share and this is a type of kindness). And of course basic things like not looking at my phone, delegating a set amount of hours, planning well in a head and other requirements which facilitate dependability/trust. This kind of focus is something I can only afford to invest in 2-3 people on going. Sometimes practicing by choosing specific humans for this kind of friendship and building a close friendship is a good practice for every day allowances of kindness. It also helps me create Superior Boundaries because these few relationships are ones I protect and spend time in, I become more careful with my time. 

My closest friend and I became much more close by reading a philosophy book together. Something like that is a good facilitator.

There's some things to remember.

1. I started working out all of these tiny elements of engagement years and years ago. I'm not a Master. I have a very present internal check list / to-do list and sometimes when thrown into an 'improv', my mind will go blank, but I'll revert back to the most basic Principle of engagement: Everyone has worth. I know how to listen and just focus on what they're expressing.

2. I took improv classes which helped learn that one can say the same sentence any manner of way and inject it with different meaning. I also learned there's a useful tool called the "Yes And" game. And it helps in that moment where I'm just about to express all the holes in your theory. And in that moment I've also learned it's sometimes less selfish and less of an investment to not respond - afford them the moment. One can always smile and help the other believe they had a pleasant encounter. Why would I do this? I prefer to leave the world a little better. But, a few glasses of Red and I might forget a few of these practices!

3. Every normal and well-meaning Autistic Response "I'm not sure I follow" or "I don't understand" or not responding in a socially appropriate way, these are utilised as a Tool for Domination by NTs. And this is problematic. Where my Limit arrives is when I can spot someone who's stupidly insecure or borderline psychotic or obsessed with Power. It might take a few weeks, but the creme rises to the surface! I steer clear and become my alter ego Vulcan self if I must encounter them. The emotional 4th Wall.

4. It became incredibly important for me to learn the difference between Boundaries vs. Abuse. I own  two books and have referred to them over the years. One is called "Safe People". It's a christian psychology book, but I've not found anything like it. It's helped ID ways to be appropriate and ethical and kind. And sometimes kindness can feel cruel when dealing with an addict. The other book is called The 48 Laws of Power and opening it makes my stomach turn, but it has become so useful to learn the "dark magic" to NT behaviour and language. And it is here that it is more obvious - if one can cause another to feel small and powerless, if one can use words to manipulate and control (to some degree), I can do the same to help others feel respected and cared for. 

But again - not a master. Just learned resources. And learned over so many years. I still feel much more comfortable around certain humans. Various societal influences can make the art of these difficult (Several places in the States it feels impossible to connect). And some can be easily exchanged with upper class behaviour, which is really hard to undergo without the wealth to sink back into. I do find myself taking on more responsibility than I should at times, or choosing to repay injustice with kindness and this is always a 'punch to the gut', and I do create severe boundaries if need be, but in the long run, it seems to at least cause someone who doesn't quite understand me, to simply view me as sometimes weird but reliably kind. 

Hahaha. I'd be the 'hot water bottle woman' wouldn't I  

Maybe give them a hot water bottle.

People who get offended are so annoying, and they are increasing in number these days. I was brought up by a continually offended mother. I've no idea what I did but she was always huffing and storming out of the room and/or getting 'revenge' on me for something I'd done. Exhausting.

Oh that's useful. I find that too. People aren't used to being spoken to directly or precisely. They must lead very inefficient lives.

That sounds like a good book!

"NT brains are busy in their language-feeling lobe region, so they may not recollect exactness, but simply recall how they felt."

That is very useful advice and reminds me of that saying (which has always mystified me)

People won't remember what you did but they'll remember how you made them feel.

How on earth does little old me make another person feel anything? How does that work?

And also I keep getting told to be warm towards people. I've no idea what that means! How do I 'be warm' to people?

HazeandMist.

Just like KikiCat, I could have written that too. I recognise everything you say and have always been bewildered, puzzled and confused by other people.

A  couple of years or so ago, I was diagnosed ASD High Functioning. I'm still getting used to it, but it's all been good so far. I understand myself  better now, but still manage to say the wrong thing at times and guess I always will.

It's a corny old phrase, but 'You're on a journey'. 

Things have slowly got better for me as I hope they will for you.

Having my condition recgonised by an expert psychologist was just the best thing I ever did, it has made much more of a difference than I thought it would, but I have not yet disclosed this diagnosis to anyone who knows me. I'm not ready for that yet, in fact, I'm begining to wonder if I even need to.

Ben

The subtlety and nuance of diplomacy and polite conversation is often lost on us autistic folk.

Many people are not used to being spoken to in such a direct or precise way. I usually don't worry about it. Or I start off gently, then quickly revert to my normal way of communication, just when they're feeling comfortable. I can't maintain the facade for very long.

It can cause problems at times, but sometimes we just have to explain that it's how we process information and how we communicate. I agree though, the number of times I found myself trying to dig myself out of a hole... it can be exhausting.

There's a book I discovered which someone recommended on here called A Field Guide to Earthlings. And it's quite good. The best take-a-way from this was this issue of Association. NT brains are busy in their language-feeling lobe region, so they may not recollect exactness, but simply recall how they felt. Apparently words are used like a tool for wizarding! Like turning the Reds agains Corbyn by reinforcing a suggestion he's associated with anti-semites. Or creating the value of money out of thin air just by saying it's valuable. Fantasy is conjured and Reality is disrupted by using words to manipulate feelings. So strange. 

I'm late to the party as well, female, have been ghosted and ridiculed, called a Vulcan once (which honestly, I was rather proud of), and had initially sought philosophical inquiry on matters of Ethics and Social Codes to help me work out how to be a better human. It turns out society is rather dysfunctional to begin with an many individuals are in survival mode, and/or cruel and dishonest, but either way. I like having rules to engage from a human standpoint.

After 30 years of making something of an attempt to work out what was going on, here's some of my findings! Perhaps something could be useful?

Erich Fromm is a good one for practical advice on the human condition and how to facilitate kindness: The Art of Love is a great book to start. I've also found learning about the difference between boundaries and abuse just by googling them. And learning about my personality type helped - The MBTI Types, if not just how to focus on learning about how to use and build my personality. 

Years ago I had been hired to make music in a church in the States (one of the larger ones where they teach qualities and functions of being helpful, and well-functioning in society) and learned quite a bit about identifying 3 the worst traits in others: those who are easily offended, those who are presumptuous and arrogant and those who demand respect. All fantastic qualities for a Villain. And even having identifications of these sort helped change who I invested time and friendship with. Those who are easily offended use it as a game to dominate. Presumption and arrogance typically go together, though NT society seemingly awards this behaviour, I find it shockingly appalling. It's good to note that, as a twist in the plot, this fundamental human characteristic, which is classified as the basis for Empathy, has a dark side. And those who demand respect are also known as Tyrants. Respect and dignity can always be given without an 'economic' loss to myself, as it needs to be given to all parties involved, so giving doesn't deplete my resources. In fact, respectful individuals aren't always immediately spotted, but there's a sense one can trust them. They're usually the ones who don't talk about others behind their backs.

I've had individuals come back to me after a few years and apologise. If not several. And there is a small part of me that believes Autistic individuals are somewhat hard-wired to be genuine and genuinely kind without a loss of self - It's an art form, something mastered. We're not easily persuaded. We can step out from society without it damaging our sense of survival (and it's often more helpful to our sense of survival), observe the mess, redesign our self and sense of being and step back in as we please.

Oh gosh I could have written that word for word. You have my empathy. When you find out the answers to all this, please tell us!

Yeah I have had that happen too, which is why I stopped communicating with my friends. I hate conflict as well, so I do not enjoy the drama that can happen from having friends, as I don't think that all this conflict is what friendship is all about.

I understand there can always be some level of conflict between people, but what's important is the resolution. If that person rather just stay angry and offended and not listen to a word you have to say, and they don't try to make any attempts to repair the friendship to just discuss matters with you, then you don't have to be around them, and you can try to find other people who will listen to you, and consider the things you have to say. 

I've tried to clear up misunderstandings with friends and put my best foot forward and try to make amends, but when they are angry it does not matter because they just try to demonize me no matter what I try to say or do, and the other friends do nothing but watch instead of trying to keep the peace. The offended friend sees me as if I'm trying to get myself out of trouble and they want to take it out on me, but I'm trying to think of our entire friendship as a whole, and if I like this kind of treatment from them, because if it happens now, it will likely happen again and again in the future. When I step back and see the overall picture, I wonder if this is what I really want. 

I have trouble maintaining friendships, and I think it's like that in relationships too, that if there's too much disagreements without resolutions, it can fall apart.

Now I try to stay away from people who just get offended by something I unintentionally do, and as much as they don't understand me, I don't understand them in return, and that's something that can be mutually agreed upon, but there's a large enough of a population (and the internet) to find forums that will have people who would understand you. 

Also to try and make sure that I am communicating exactly what I want to say, I end up repeating myself over and over and that really irritates and annoys others.