Masking- your thoughts appreciated

I love your honesty about yourself. You aren't quite as mean spirted as you think, otherwise you'd not be able to make the admission.

Since I did the first 59 years of life being told by authorities believing I was a normie, I'm not entriely sure where that "mask" ends, and the real me begins. In addition, when I tried cannabis as a kid it had the side effect of people stopped hitting me, which I later realised  also meant I did less stupid sh*t, so apart from the odd time out to check the hypothesis (which rapidly became a theory!) and see if being unstoned was as horrific as I remembered, (it is!) I've kept up the habit to the best of my ability ever since.. And it sure does make me more tolerant, and apparently likeable!

I have always wanted to be the best that I can possibly be. Which is very difficult when peopel are constantly picking a fight with you, or you are doing stupid stuff (my daughhters trick cyclist said it was very possible she got her ADD from me) and getting into trouble.

I've a lot of qualms about my lifestyle, developed as it was whilst I was ignorant of my true condition, but I'm not in the legal or medical systems, I am able to sustain relationships (when I want to leave or throw my *** out of the window I just smoke a stronger reefer and I can't be bothered to make the effort. If people are being horrible to me, yes, you've guessed it, nipping out of the room for a swift bong will bolt on "olympian calm and reasonableness". There's a lot of talk about the issues that come with cannabis, (and to be honest, there's a learning curve even if it does suiit you, and some people really should not as it can cause them a horrible time, (it's rare, but I've seen it and experienced challengiing feelings and ideas) but for me it's a useful life tool, and I really ought to get off my backside and do a bit of campaigning for the legal right to use the stuff for both medical and recreation reasons. 

Maybe organise a PROPER display in memorial park next April 20. Yeah in additoin to being Der Fuehrers birthday, 420 is the vapouriisng pont of THC I'm told (probably in farenheit) and it's "world stoner parade" day! (no-one ever said it was good for ones decision making process. (That's one reason why I give myself "timeouts" to review my decisions and objectives from a "straight" perspective I even did six months as an experiment once! - never again!) 420 day is never a good advert because the only people who will challenge the law openly in such a manner are generally the ones least likely to be able to actually organise anything. The few decent land generally law abiding people I know who use the stuff, are too scared to show themselves, as I have been for many decades. I could do it properly for once. Hand out flyers & put on a bit of a show, that sort of thing..

I wear a plant based mask I guess. (except when doing work or pleasure where the negative effects, outweigh the positives. E.G. flying or customer facing roles, where clearly cannabis use does not work at all well for me. I do have a very effective customer service role mask, where I'm a take charge kinda guy, without making it obvious. I used to judge my sucess on how long it used to take them to offer me a cup of tea after I had made the first visit. 

There is a lot of mainstream misinformation (as well as some absolutely true stuff) about illegal drug use and the users. MOST of the users I have known over the years have had quiet & stable lives, making a positive contribution to society and the workplace, whilst keeping their heads DOWN. Many hate the "double life" so much they eventually quit. I ahev a friend who employed an active heroin addict for about 15 years, he'd balanced his life, his work and the cost of his habit sucessfully, turned up every day to do his days work, and was a valued employee. I'm not so sure he is the rule of course, and I've avoided heroin and it's users for obvious reasons. I once smoked opium* when I threw my back out and conventional anti inflamatories and pain killers were not touching it, and although it obliterated my pain, I really could not be bothered to get out of my bed (which was my main aim in life prior to smoking the opium)  * A guy I knew made the stuff and when he offered me a pea sized lump, I took it and kept it for a rainy day. It had a rubbery aspect and was kept in a drawer for some years before I felt the need to try it out. HOw my guy's man managed to keep getting up to do his job will always be a mystery to me. I can see how people could use it to erase the pain of living, but I'd rather actually be able to get up and DO some living, even if it's in pain. (Mostly, some strains of cannabis can make one enjoy being very lazy, I must admit..)

For balance, and legal reasons, I must point out that my description of illegal drugs and their effects are selective and whilst I would seek to offer my own experience for consideration on it's merits, this should not be construed as a recommendation to break the law. Breaking the LAW is MUCH more dangerous and it's effects more unpredicatable (but always long lasting and negative) than the effect of cannabis

That's interesting about the cannabis, I tried smoking it a little bit in my youth and found it just made me dopey. Didn't like the feeling. I didn't know I had AS then though.

Don't want to smoke again. What's the safest way,? Vape?

I also tried magic mushrooms once when I was a kid. Had a very bad trip.

I'm not sure if the mushroom incident maybe even changed me slightly, permanently in some way

I guess vape is safest initially because you can titrate the dose, but my guy makes his own edibles which seem to be very popular. Whenever I give up tobacco I use a sebsi style pipe, but it's not at all "stealthy" for outdoor use.

I was once told that magic mushrooms can open you up to very negative spirtual forces, (A.K.A. demons!), my experience was that it made it next to impossible to tell which gear you had the motorcyle in, and the strong visual hallucinations didn't help my progress either... Ah, the days of being young and stupidly adventurous beyond belief...

ALL drugs both medical and illicit, extract a price from the user as well as conferring the desired benefits. With psychedelics there is enlightenment to be had, but tehre can be horrifically scary times too, and yes I have personal anecdotal evidence that you can make permanant brain changes under the influence of psychedelics.I do think that society should dissuade people from seeking their solutions though drug use, and was very careful not to let my kid know anything about my own drug use until an accident involving a careless collegue forced my hand when she was about 17. She accepted my explanation that I didn't want to influence her postively towards my drug of choice, and my reassurance that it was and is the only thing I've ever purposefully misled her about. I was misled a lot as a child, and I didn't want to do that to MY kid.

There was always one drug that ever since I learned of it in my twenties, I'd always wanted to try. it's called D.M.T. and it was reputed to give you the full on psychedic experience but for a manageably short time, 15-20 minutes. Finally, in my fifties I got the chance... Here's what happened to me..

I smoked the stuff in my own home with a friend to keep an eye out for me, and at a time where I felt O.K. about myself and my place in the world. I had been warned to make dusre I was sitting down as it could be a very abrupt and powerful experience. By the second toke I could feel the happy sensation I always feel at the onset of the psychedelic experience. And I decided to take a walk onto the patio. I was enjoying the feelings and then my eyes alighted on teh very untidy (and long slated for removal) rowan tree. At that moment I knew beyond any possible doubt that that tree loved and cherished me/us. I felt it's unconditional love and affection, and noted how golden and beautiful it's leaves looked... Soon after the drug wore off, and I could see the tree as it really is, not shining and golden, but my relationship to it has been permanently changed. We've had it manicured a couple of times since by professionals, I keep the ivy off it, and occasionally give the roots a bit of my personal nitrogen fertilser supply when no-one is looking, because I know it loves us! 'Been doing it for about 10 years now...  

Lol. Think that tells us something eh

I hope you don't mind how o/t I seem to have lead your thread, JD!

My most appalling morning glory seeds experience ened up with me hearing the grapping hooks ebedding themsleves in the windowsill as the hells angels group turned up to avenge one of my many earlier misdeeds. I KNEW I was imagining it, but I could hear the bikes and them rapelling up the wall outside my bedroom. I really came close to waking up my parents that day, but in the nick of time remebred the true love of my life, Kate Bush, and put on one of her nicer albums and some pretty lights and went back to enjoying the experience until I finally fell asleep..  

I've acquired enough knowledge of the hidden complexities of existence in the context of human nature to believe that demons are (if not actually "real") a metaphor for certain aspects of life, where conventional thinking does not allow one to prevail an keep one's balance. Curiously enough, someone who fits the classical definition of being plagued with demons, can obtain relief by doing the rituals that are reputed to repel demons! My forays into the occult matters have been very careful probing affairs, just enough to establish the veracity of certain concepts, but always being mindful that occult investigators seem to be even more populated with the "unhinged" than drugs investigators..    

Wise words isperg.

I may try the cannabis again to see if it helps with the anxiety ect.

I used to drink quite a bit, normally in pubs and I think that was largely due to some sort of masking, trying to fit in.

Strange how you see these things differently with a diagnosis

I have not. I vaguely remember a chrysanthemum being mentioned but didn't encounter that either. In all fairness I don't think I had a very subsantial dose of D.M.T. For me it was a nice and gentle experience and not as visual as some of my early life morning glory seeds visions, nor did it last the 18 hours that is the longest "Trip" I ever took on morning glory seeds. (I even managed to sleep though the middle of it and woke up still "tripping balls").

From what I can gather, I took enormous risks of long term damage when I was a young man for a few months and suffered very little compared to say, Sid Barret of Pink Floyd who broke his brain with LSD rather famously.

I didn't get "flashbacks" either. I did learn by rote before hand the mantra of "this is the effects of a drug and if I just sit still and do nothing it will pass, and therefore I can safely enjoy the experience, no matter how scary it seems". And I found that a piece of me therefore could remain detached from the action as it were, and "having a plan" always helps with exploration!

I must say, that Cannabis use did seem to cost me the abilty to do transcendental menditation as well as I used to be able to, and instead of being able to use that technique for "exploration" I found I tended to fall asleep instead.. That has always worried me.

My path to recovery from the damage I took as a child was -Antisocial Risk taking criminal behaviour, to personal criminal risk taking, to personal endangerment  misdemeanour level risk taking in ever reducing portions.

I stuck with the cannabis, because it seemed to have helped me find that path, and generally become a more positive and useful member of society. I have wondered if I were a psychopath in the past, and have self-taken the hare test just to find  out. I truend out of course to posess not such an exciting peronality...I was indeed criminally versatile as a child & teenager, but the pot put an end to all that, by allowing me to see my actions from a bigger perspective, which included that of those affected by my actions.  

I am in the invidious situation of judging myself to have benefitted quite a bit from my forays into illicit drug use, but also suspecting that Ive been unusually lucky in the outcome. I tell my drug stories for context, and to offset the hugely negative propaganda that makes discovering your kid with a bit of weed a terrifying experience for most parents and criminalises a legitimate recreational activity, drug augmented self exploration. 

Addiction is a BIG problem with drugs. And it's simple.

If you have an experience that feels or even IS really, really good you will want to do it again.  With some drugs that is a really really bad idea, but no one really knows exactly which drugs are likely to get a grip on which people, so making accurate "never take this!" safety rules are inpossible. 

Drugs like drink are obviously best sampled infrequently. But when the addict derives a lasting benefit that really seems to make their life easier, and for me cannabis HAS done that, why in gods name would they ever want to stop takiing the stuff? 

I suspect the problem is vastly greater for normies than it is for us... 

love it.

The things we do eh.

Yeah I definitely got the demon's. Very very scarry. My parents had to get doctor out at 2am. And even after he left, I would not leave there bedroom. Slept next to their bed all night

love it.

The things we do eh.

Yeah I definitely got the demon's. Very very scarry. My parents had to get doctor out at 2am. And even after he left, I would not leave there bedroom. Slept next to their bed all night

Lol. Think that tells us something eh

I hope you don't mind how o/t I seem to have lead your thread, JD!

My most appalling morning glory seeds experience ened up with me hearing the grapping hooks ebedding themsleves in the windowsill as the hells angels group turned up to avenge one of my many earlier misdeeds. I KNEW I was imagining it, but I could hear the bikes and them rapelling up the wall outside my bedroom. I really came close to waking up my parents that day, but in the nick of time remebred the true love of my life, Kate Bush, and put on one of her nicer albums and some pretty lights and went back to enjoying the experience until I finally fell asleep..  

I've acquired enough knowledge of the hidden complexities of existence in the context of human nature to believe that demons are (if not actually "real") a metaphor for certain aspects of life, where conventional thinking does not allow one to prevail an keep one's balance. Curiously enough, someone who fits the classical definition of being plagued with demons, can obtain relief by doing the rituals that are reputed to repel demons! My forays into the occult matters have been very careful probing affairs, just enough to establish the veracity of certain concepts, but always being mindful that occult investigators seem to be even more populated with the "unhinged" than drugs investigators..