Awaiting assessment, family disagree

This is common. Women/girls present different. Remember that…we manage better externally but that shouldn’t negate the inner turmoil. If you haven’t read Rudy Simone, look up female autistic traits, Tony Attwood and use it to strengthen your inner knowledge of you. Your mother is being disrespectful to you and should be supportive. She knows one autistic, we all present differently that’s why it’s neurodiverse.

Your an adult women, your never going to really present the same as a little boy. Autism is a spectrum and it can manifest in million different variations of behaviour. its not the behaviour that makes you autistic its how you mind works differently than the typical. 

That did cross my mind!

But, also, friends said it - it was a fairly common response for me.

Autism often runs in families so anyone discounting you because “everyone feels like that” is most probably on the spectrum themselves but doesn’t realise it

C said:

I found out this weekend that she doesn't believe I'm autistic as her partner's nephew is and I'm not like that.

As part of my assessment we had to complete a "Relatives Questionnaire" with my parents and when I explained the reasons I was going through the assessment processes, their views were "everyone feels like that". I thought my assessment would result in me not being "on the spectrum" and that I'd look really stupid for contemplating that I could have Asperger's.

As it turned out, I scored highly on all tests and I think that my parents and most of my family, plus all of my friends can't see it or don't seem to want to discuss that it as being a possibility.

C said:

If I'm not autistic then why am I struggling so much?

I felt and still feel like this.

Don't get me wrong though ... I am happy to have gone through the assessment process.

Hi. It certainly is a mental spiral lol. I ended up having my assessment on my own. My mum was on standby but I got the impression that if the assessors couldn’t establish a firm picture of   Me as a person they wanted to speak to her. Turns out I met all criteria and was rather a long way above the threshold score for a diagnosis. I was 38 at my assessment. My mum was supportive and did feel guilty that she never picked up my autistic traits but I said it’s not her fault. Everyone tells me I don’t seem autistic.... 

Thank you for your responses. I'm back from my mental spiral and will rtry to remember to look at this next time I have doubts!

Thank you Gerry. I'm 30 and still take my mums words seriously, occasionally as verbatim, when I shouldn't. I can't imagine how she is finding this, I gave her the choice of whether she took part and she wanted to, maybe this a way for her to protect herself? 

I felt like I was hurting her by doing this and had forgotten why I began this journey. The hurt is a side effect but not my intention.

Regarding the assessment, I reached out to the service today and they've confirmed the framework they will use which seems catered to all ages and sex.

Thank you :)

Thank you miaxx, I think I just need to say something about this before her session (I have two sessions alone then there's a session for my mum.

I got a little self centred with this so your comments have really helped :)

Thank you. My mum hasn't looked into the subject as much I have, that's when things started to click for me. Misplaced guilt will definitely be a factor here and I needed to be reminded of that so thank you :)

My thoughts,

Your mum is not the expert here, she knows one autistic person, and all autistic people are different, hence the term 'autistic spectrum'.

You are not making up your struggles, why would you!

You are the expert on your struggles, and perhaps she does not see them because when you are with her they are less obvious (I am just guessing here :) )

Maybe print out some of the information from National Autistic Society for your mum to read, or videos as someone else suggested.

Reassure her that autism is not caused by parenting eg  'cold mothers', this is an outdated theory, so she is not to blame.

If it helps, reassure her that the diagnosis does not have to be made public, you only need to disclose it when you want to.

Explain why it is important to you that you get a correct diagnosis, the benefits of a diagnosis, and if not autism, maybe they can help you with your struggles anyway.

If you are concerned about whether the assessment will work, as you are female, that is a.more difficult question and can only suggest research, phone NAS, find out the best way to counter or mitigate this risk, and remember lots of women do get diagnosed!

Your mother's comments this weekend don't change your autism, you are the same person you were before this weekend, but she has sown the seeds of doubt in you, try to remember how certain you were before the weekend. 

Hope this helps. Just my thoughts.

This is exactly why I will be telling whoever assesses me that they cannot speak to my parents. Even though my parents make jokes about what I was like as a child (the jokes usually centre around an autism symptoms that they aren't aware is a symptom) so they know I was a 'different' child. If I suggest I am getting an assessment they will completely deny any odd behaviour in childhood and will probably try to hinder me getting a diagnosis.

I feel for you. Parents usually know their child is different but will refuse to believe it or admit it out of fear they may be 'blamed'

I think that you need to accept that, as much as she is an expert on you, your mother is not an expert on autism. Knowing one autistic person is just that, the presentation of autism is so very varied, that's why it is called a 'spectrum disorder'. If you want to get your mother 'on board' you will have to do a good deal of gentle education in what autism is. Parents are often the most resistant to accepting that their offspring are, or might be, autistic, because of a reticence to admit that their child might have serious long-term problems. Also there is often a level of misplaced guilt, "Is it my fault that my child is having problems?" Reassure your mother that even if you are autistic it is not her fault and there is nothing she could have done differently that would have affected it. There are many Youtube presentations concerning autistic traits in females. It might be useful for your mother to see autistic women talking directly about their experiences.