Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey everyone - Hope i'm ok writing the below post, I'm not sure where to turn to for some advice and hoping maybe someone on here may feel/have felt simalar.
Background: I've struggled with mental health issues for around 20 years - social anxiety, low self esteem, eating disorder, depression, OCD, self harm. I was told a couple of years ago from a therpist who had ASD that she thought it be good if i got an assessment as she could see some traits in me. Its took 2years to think about it but i've finally asked to be assessed and on the waiting list now (think about 1years wait). I also have siblings/family members who have been diagnosed.
Anyways i'll get to my actual post - so i've recently started some therapy again (new person), its taken ages to get to actually telling her about some of my feelings - i've very slow at trusting and talking about/finding the words to how i feel. I seem to always describe myself as not normal and everyone else normal but i find it hard to actually describe what i mean by that - i think what i stuggle with most is maybe having this feeling of not knowing who i am E.G when i've had my ed relapses then i kind of have that as idenity. I would just like to know who i actually am so that i can start accepting myself - rather then just feeling i'm different from everyone and carrying alot of shame.
Sorry i went on a ramble there and not actually sure what i'm asking - maybe if others have felt the same? If you've ever felt 'not normal' have you been able to describe what you mean to someone?
I find it hard to understand my feelings ,as they have been covered over by anxiety ,when i look at some photos i see i am smiling but when i remember those events all i remember is anxiety . I think growing up this has always been the case . So different connections have been made between events . Also because i have grown up with ND parents and siblings i have no base to understand "normal" [ i prefer typical] . On top of that one of my parents was a narcist so they manipulated everything and lied ,so that further took a toll on my understanding of who i am . It is like i start from a different point, so i don't end at the same conclusion. That is the nearest i can get to explaining it . Hope it helps .
Have a look at alexithymia it is common in autism .