Stuggling to describe how i feel

I find it hard to understand my feelings ,as they have been covered over by anxiety ,when i look at some photos i see i am smiling but when i remember those events all i remember is anxiety . I think growing up this has always been the case . So different connections have been made between events . Also because i have grown up with ND parents  and siblings i have no base to understand "normal" [ i prefer typical] . On top of that one of my parents was a narcist so they manipulated everything and lied ,so that further took a toll on my understanding of who i am . It is like i start from a different point, so i don't end at the same conclusion.  That is the nearest i can get to explaining it . Hope it helps .  

Have a look at alexithymia it is common in autism . 

Pikl ,  how often do you feel like a doughnut ?

You sound just like me! I've been working on accepting myself, not sure I will ever understand me, but that's ok, at the moment just accepting that not being normal is who I am meant to be. I have difficulty describing how I feel too. I told someone it feels like I'm 3D and everyone else is 2D, they didn't understand what I meant lol. 

on re-reading your discussion text ,,,,  i think you do need an ASD assessment

I relate with this so much, but unfortunately I haven't yet found the right way to explain things either. I also struggle with OCD, and i feel like i grasp onto that as my identity too because I don't really know who I am. It's also why I mask so much, because i feel like if i wasn't masking then I wouldn't be anyone at all and that I don't have a true personality. It sucks too when having to explain it to people, especially because the counsellors always want you to give examples of what you mean by 'not normal', and that can be really difficult. For me i guess it feels more like the absence of something - of a sort of knowledge or understanding that everyone else has on how to act and interact with each other and the world, and yes I can imitate that but I don't really know why I imitate it. There are things people do and say which just seem so pointless and unnecessary, but I do them anyway even though a lot of the time they stress me out, because otherwise people may think I don't like them or I'm not interesting or weird.

My advice is to write down any thoughts that can explain how your feeling, even if its just a few sentences at a time, so then you can build up a collection of information that describes your experience of ASD. That's what I've been doing the past few months because I find it so hard to talk about everything on the spot, even though I feel like I think about these issues all the time. 

so correct

One aspect is being too accepting of a change like a diagnosis. You don't suddenly change from being who you are, indeed it's essential to hang onto that. If the diagnosis helps you frame anything more clearly, then it's helpful. If it falls apart under examination, then no - that's the case with my outlook on how my own diagnosis has gone, no studies were available to eludidate, and the diagnosis was continually reclassified until it's no longer coherent. My human rights allow me to dissent, although I do recognise I'm neurodivergent. The absence of studies I complained about six years ago is being rectified, slowly, and I'm examining High Sensitivity as an expression of a trait stemming from my core mentation.

Our education system is designed to help the less bright into a framework of socially acceptable behaviour, as an alternative to thinking for themselves. As WS Gilbert put it in Iolanthe, "A lot of dull MPs, in close proximity, all thinking for themselves is what no man can face with equanimity". Instead, the Press seems to have taken it upon itself to tell everyone what the norms are - usually designed to keep the sheeple signed up! "What happened on day 2 in Tokyo" (BBC), most reality TV, "x things you need to know about...", most Social Media influencing... trite. Bread and  circuses. And this is almost a definition of neurodivergence, I don't think differently, I think for myself. The norms of modern society are only mine where they're rational. Part of that is because I was ostracised by my peer group when I was 9, and never found my way back in. I just didn't like what they'd become - and more recently, the Public School Rape scandal has the place well in its sights.

In my book, therefore, not being socially integrated isn't a real problem, and I've stopped trying. I'm myself, and that means I've accepted most folk are different. Maybe one day the genetic advances which have created us will be the norm: right now, white male neurotypicals, the core of the problem, are only about 30% of the population.

I've felt the same for years. There are a lot of parallels with my journey. Its an ongoing struggle, but it does get better. And you're definitely not alone.

Feeling 'not normal' is, in funnily enough, normal for autistic people (especially undiagnosed autistics). How I would describe it is that as a kid I did not see myself in any other kids. My interests and humour didn't really overlap with anyone my own age so I was a bemused bystander. As an adult this feeling comes back sometimes e.g. when I am introduced to a group of strangers I want to just observe these strange creatures but instead I have to pretend that I am one of them, a bit like a wildlife photographer who dresses up as an animal in order to blend in. But please remember, you aren't actually that abnormal, you just need to find your niche :) 

DaveAsperg said:

We all are different, but list the positives you have please, what do you do to help others, don’t dwell on negativity 

You might want to try taking your own advice.

We all are different, but list the positives you have please, what do you do to help others, don’t dwell on negativity 

ok in here u are very normal in that many people suffer from the same things as you

I am glad to hear you are getting therapy ----- how long is it going to last ?

I want you to really get into it and tell your therapist everything because they are the best person to help you.

They with have talked to you so much more than anyone here and they are qualified to help/advise you on what you should be doing.

Why not ask your therapist all about identity ( the self ). They will be able to explain who you are and why you have issues with you self/identity.

BTW when you go into therapy it is best to listen to only them otherwise conflicting advice. Please always listen to your therapist.

If she/he says 

Heres hoping your theraptists helps you have an easier life and that your ASD assessment goes well  :)

Hang about in here for other replies from people just like you.