Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey everyone - Hope i'm ok writing the below post, I'm not sure where to turn to for some advice and hoping maybe someone on here may feel/have felt simalar.
Background: I've struggled with mental health issues for around 20 years - social anxiety, low self esteem, eating disorder, depression, OCD, self harm. I was told a couple of years ago from a therpist who had ASD that she thought it be good if i got an assessment as she could see some traits in me. Its took 2years to think about it but i've finally asked to be assessed and on the waiting list now (think about 1years wait). I also have siblings/family members who have been diagnosed.
Anyways i'll get to my actual post - so i've recently started some therapy again (new person), its taken ages to get to actually telling her about some of my feelings - i've very slow at trusting and talking about/finding the words to how i feel. I seem to always describe myself as not normal and everyone else normal but i find it hard to actually describe what i mean by that - i think what i stuggle with most is maybe having this feeling of not knowing who i am E.G when i've had my ed relapses then i kind of have that as idenity. I would just like to know who i actually am so that i can start accepting myself - rather then just feeling i'm different from everyone and carrying alot of shame.
Sorry i went on a ramble there and not actually sure what i'm asking - maybe if others have felt the same? If you've ever felt 'not normal' have you been able to describe what you mean to someone?
I relate with this so much, but unfortunately I haven't yet found the right way to explain things either. I also struggle with OCD, and i feel like i grasp onto that as my identity too because I don't really know who I am. It's also why I mask so much, because i feel like if i wasn't masking then I wouldn't be anyone at all and that I don't have a true personality. It sucks too when having to explain it to people, especially because the counsellors always want you to give examples of what you mean by 'not normal', and that can be really difficult. For me i guess it feels more like the absence of something - of a sort of knowledge or understanding that everyone else has on how to act and interact with each other and the world, and yes I can imitate that but I don't really know why I imitate it. There are things people do and say which just seem so pointless and unnecessary, but I do them anyway even though a lot of the time they stress me out, because otherwise people may think I don't like them or I'm not interesting or weird.
My advice is to write down any thoughts that can explain how your feeling, even if its just a few sentences at a time, so then you can build up a collection of information that describes your experience of ASD. That's what I've been doing the past few months because I find it so hard to talk about everything on the spot, even though I feel like I think about these issues all the time.