Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey everyone - Hope i'm ok writing the below post, I'm not sure where to turn to for some advice and hoping maybe someone on here may feel/have felt simalar.
Background: I've struggled with mental health issues for around 20 years - social anxiety, low self esteem, eating disorder, depression, OCD, self harm. I was told a couple of years ago from a therpist who had ASD that she thought it be good if i got an assessment as she could see some traits in me. Its took 2years to think about it but i've finally asked to be assessed and on the waiting list now (think about 1years wait). I also have siblings/family members who have been diagnosed.
Anyways i'll get to my actual post - so i've recently started some therapy again (new person), its taken ages to get to actually telling her about some of my feelings - i've very slow at trusting and talking about/finding the words to how i feel. I seem to always describe myself as not normal and everyone else normal but i find it hard to actually describe what i mean by that - i think what i stuggle with most is maybe having this feeling of not knowing who i am E.G when i've had my ed relapses then i kind of have that as idenity. I would just like to know who i actually am so that i can start accepting myself - rather then just feeling i'm different from everyone and carrying alot of shame.
Sorry i went on a ramble there and not actually sure what i'm asking - maybe if others have felt the same? If you've ever felt 'not normal' have you been able to describe what you mean to someone?
Feeling 'not normal' is, in funnily enough, normal for autistic people (especially undiagnosed autistics). How I would describe it is that as a kid I did not see myself in any other kids. My interests and humour didn't really overlap with anyone my own age so I was a bemused bystander. As an adult this feeling comes back sometimes e.g. when I am introduced to a group of strangers I want to just observe these strange creatures but instead I have to pretend that I am one of them, a bit like a wildlife photographer who dresses up as an animal in order to blend in. But please remember, you aren't actually that abnormal, you just need to find your niche :)