Published on 12, July, 2020
Hey everyone - Hope i'm ok writing the below post, I'm not sure where to turn to for some advice and hoping maybe someone on here may feel/have felt simalar.
Background: I've struggled with mental health issues for around 20 years - social anxiety, low self esteem, eating disorder, depression, OCD, self harm. I was told a couple of years ago from a therpist who had ASD that she thought it be good if i got an assessment as she could see some traits in me. Its took 2years to think about it but i've finally asked to be assessed and on the waiting list now (think about 1years wait). I also have siblings/family members who have been diagnosed.
Anyways i'll get to my actual post - so i've recently started some therapy again (new person), its taken ages to get to actually telling her about some of my feelings - i've very slow at trusting and talking about/finding the words to how i feel. I seem to always describe myself as not normal and everyone else normal but i find it hard to actually describe what i mean by that - i think what i stuggle with most is maybe having this feeling of not knowing who i am E.G when i've had my ed relapses then i kind of have that as idenity. I would just like to know who i actually am so that i can start accepting myself - rather then just feeling i'm different from everyone and carrying alot of shame.
Sorry i went on a ramble there and not actually sure what i'm asking - maybe if others have felt the same? If you've ever felt 'not normal' have you been able to describe what you mean to someone?
One aspect is being too accepting of a change like a diagnosis. You don't suddenly change from being who you are, indeed it's essential to hang onto that. If the diagnosis helps you frame anything more clearly, then it's helpful. If it falls apart under examination, then no - that's the case with my outlook on how my own diagnosis has gone, no studies were available to eludidate, and the diagnosis was continually reclassified until it's no longer coherent. My human rights allow me to dissent, although I do recognise I'm neurodivergent. The absence of studies I complained about six years ago is being rectified, slowly, and I'm examining High Sensitivity as an expression of a trait stemming from my core mentation.
Our education system is designed to help the less bright into a framework of socially acceptable behaviour, as an alternative to thinking for themselves. As WS Gilbert put it in Iolanthe, "A lot of dull MPs, in close proximity, all thinking for themselves is what no man can face with equanimity". Instead, the Press seems to have taken it upon itself to tell everyone what the norms are - usually designed to keep the sheeple signed up! "What happened on day 2 in Tokyo" (BBC), most reality TV, "x things you need to know about...", most Social Media influencing... trite. Bread and circuses. And this is almost a definition of neurodivergence, I don't think differently, I think for myself. The norms of modern society are only mine where they're rational. Part of that is because I was ostracised by my peer group when I was 9, and never found my way back in. I just didn't like what they'd become - and more recently, the Public School Rape scandal has the place well in its sights.
In my book, therefore, not being socially integrated isn't a real problem, and I've stopped trying. I'm myself, and that means I've accepted most folk are different. Maybe one day the genetic advances which have created us will be the norm: right now, white male neurotypicals, the core of the problem, are only about 30% of the population.