Coming to terms with realising you are probably autistic

My realisation that I was probably Autistic came like a bolt of lightning around the same time my teen was about to be assessed. I put it out of my mind, as I was focusing on her, but started to struggle severely with my mental health and anxiety. A year or so later I suffered a burn out from trying to hide from it.  I can’t begin to explain how I felt. But just over a year since, I’m recovering. Yet, I’m continually recalling instances from my past that scream Autism, and I feel angry and sorry for myself because it wasn’t picked up and I never received support. Life could have been so different. I’ve suffered in one way or another as long as I can remember. I don’t think like the masses, and find  communication awkward, confusing and strange.
I have since had a preliminary consult with a Psychologist, and have put myself forward for assessment, and should start the process in December.

Hi  Catlover,

I'm really glad to hear that your assessment will probably be soon.  I hope that it goes well and that you will feel listened to and validated.  I hope you will find some of the answers about yourself that you have been looking for.

It sounds really frustrating that people didn't understand you in the past, and that you didn't get the support you need.  I have had similar experiences.  I had an eating disorder in my teens, and have recently read that many anorexics are autistic.  If there had been awareness of this at the time, I may have been diagnosed sooner.  I hope you eventually may find some peace within yourself about the fact that you weren't diagnosed earlier.

It sounds as though, when you first realised that you were probably autistic, your autistic traits intensified.  Have I understood correctly?  Or was it simply that you became more aware of them?  

Hello again,

Yes, I recently read about the link between ASD and eating disorders. Very interesting. But sad that you have had to struggle with such a thing in the past.

To answer your question, when I realised, I didn’t want to think about it. And when it cropped up time and and time again, I kept giving myself reasons for not having it, even though I’d always known I was different. I just put it down to the social anxiety I had been diagnosed with in the past.

I told myself I was good at talking to people, didn’t have routines and had no food problems etc. 
Then over this year I begun looking at how I live. How I act is normal for me, so I’d never questioned it, but it was different to others.

I have strict routines. I’ve had obsessions and interests. I have problems with certain foods. I do stim. I’ve had disordered eating. I’ve had burnouts and meltdowns, and regularly shut downs, anxiety and depression. The more I think, the more I find.

During recent CBT I discovered that I don’t know I feel. I cannot describe emotions and feelings. I would have my therapist give me descriptive suggestions to pick from to explain how my mind and body felt during stressful experiences because I couldn’t articulate them myself.

I’m actively trying to recollect things from my childhood now, to tell my psychologist. I remember a few tantrums at home, but I did a lot of bad things at school. Thing is, I never really got reprimanded or had my parents involved, because usually I was exemplary. A quiet, studious child, who wouldn’t put a foot wrong or break rules.

As a child in nursery, a teacher asked my mum if I was OK. She said I didn’t join in, wouldn’t sing nursery rhymes, and never spoke. My mum told her it was because I thought it was nonsense and didn’t want to. 
(We’re sure my mum is also on the spectrum. She agrees but doesn’t feel she wants to explore it too much, as she in her 70’s)

Sorry, I think I’ve gone off topic a bit. I’ve always so much to say!

Thank you for your kind words regarding my situation. I do hope I find some answers. It seems to be one hell of a process. I do worry why, if I’m 48. Is there a point? My psychologist said he was dealing with a client in their mid seventies, and it’s never too late.

Do you have an assessment booked, or one in the pipeline? Will it be NHS or private? 

Hello again,

Yes, I recently read about the link between ASD and eating disorders. Very interesting. But sad that you have had to struggle with such a thing in the past.

To answer your question, when I realised, I didn’t want to think about it. And when it cropped up time and and time again, I kept giving myself reasons for not having it, even though I’d always known I was different. I just put it down to the social anxiety I had been diagnosed with in the past.

I told myself I was good at talking to people, didn’t have routines and had no food problems etc. 
Then over this year I begun looking at how I live. How I act is normal for me, so I’d never questioned it, but it was different to others.

I have strict routines. I’ve had obsessions and interests. I have problems with certain foods. I do stim. I’ve had disordered eating. I’ve had burnouts and meltdowns, and regularly shut downs, anxiety and depression. The more I think, the more I find.

During recent CBT I discovered that I don’t know I feel. I cannot describe emotions and feelings. I would have my therapist give me descriptive suggestions to pick from to explain how my mind and body felt during stressful experiences because I couldn’t articulate them myself.

I’m actively trying to recollect things from my childhood now, to tell my psychologist. I remember a few tantrums at home, but I did a lot of bad things at school. Thing is, I never really got reprimanded or had my parents involved, because usually I was exemplary. A quiet, studious child, who wouldn’t put a foot wrong or break rules.

As a child in nursery, a teacher asked my mum if I was OK. She said I didn’t join in, wouldn’t sing nursery rhymes, and never spoke. My mum told her it was because I thought it was nonsense and didn’t want to. 
(We’re sure my mum is also on the spectrum. She agrees but doesn’t feel she wants to explore it too much, as she in her 70’s)

Sorry, I think I’ve gone off topic a bit. I’ve always so much to say!

Thank you for your kind words regarding my situation. I do hope I find some answers. It seems to be one hell of a process. I do worry why, if I’m 48. Is there a point? My psychologist said he was dealing with a client in their mid seventies, and it’s never too late.

Do you have an assessment booked, or one in the pipeline? Will it be NHS or private?