Coming to terms with realising you are probably autistic

I was diagnosed in 2018 and shocked to learn that I have ASD.  I still can’t accept it despite it making sense of certain things. I felt ‘bullied’ by the panel who made the diagnosis.  I wonder did they err in their judgment? 

I'm sorry to hear that.  They really shouldn't have bullied you - that sounds really unprofessional.

I guess the uncertainty may be difficult.  Are you considering looking for a second opinion, or would that perhaps not help?

I'm sorry to hear that.  They really shouldn't have bullied you - that sounds really unprofessional.

I guess the uncertainty may be difficult.  Are you considering looking for a second opinion, or would that perhaps not help?

Hello again,

It takes a lot of courage to share deeper thoughts and feelings like you have, and to be vulnerable.  Thank you for being willing to share these things with me.

Your feelings are valid, even if you feel differently about things to some other people.  I may be wrong, but it looks like you are struggling to accept your own feelings and your own self, so there is an inner conflict going on.  Sorry if I have misinterpreted this.

It's OK not to want to be autistic, and not to want to accept it.  

You're not alone:  I have also deeply regretted the way I have behaved and the things I have said to certain others.  It's been so horrible when I've driven away people who I like.  

Anyway, I just want to say that I wish you well.  

Thank you for your kind response. 

i need to give apologies for the way I put my point across.  My perception is skewed.  I ‘felt’ bullied.  They were professional.  My feelings are a danger to me.  They are a language I cannot translate.  When I have a reaction it is disordered, often extreme, and rarely appropriate to the situation at hand.  Even now as I write I am trapped by my inability to express what my intentions in expressing what these words necessarily fail to do. 
I may well have an illness of perception.  

My feelings are not a guide to any truth apart from their own articulation of my insane reactions.

 I did not want a diagnosis of autism: to me it was an insult.  That is why I felt insulted, just like I felt insulted at school when I reacted inappropriately and over-sensitively to other boys’ general banter.  ‘They’ we’re not really a collective, a group but my illness of perception led to a type of paranoia where I imagined them into being a bullying mob. 

Interestingly, for me, this happened most often when I was under the stress of increasing changes in my young life. 

The idea of a second opinion appeals to me. 
I appreciate your comment and the opportunity to express in this forum, at least for now. 

later I may regret it when I misinterpret a reply because of my self-centred nature.   It’s strange being powerless over my own selfishness and witnessing myself act crazily as if the world revolves around me.   This condition automatically discourages my better self: it smothers my consideration of the needs of other human beings.  I am so glad that others have survived my worst autistic traits. 

I have to be careful sharing on this forum.  I need to bear responsibility for the words I use.  If I type this text I don’t get to control the reader’s private mental response nor do I get to control their fingers if they wish to type other words in response.  It would be dangerous for me to rely too heavily on responses placed here as my salvation.  

Shall I risk posting this? 

Maybe just getting it out of my system has been sufficient.

if I perceive abuse in a reply I can always just avoid the community for a while. 
I did that a month or two ago because of a different topic.

No one was to blame:  my over-sensitivity is not my license to run the Universe.

If you are reading these words I wish you well today.  If you are not reading these words I still wish you well.