Published on 12, July, 2020
I have been on the forum for a couple of years and noticed the majority of posters seem to be married or in a relationship .This may be a sweeping statement and may not be true.
What Is baffling is how people ever marry or live with someone with a diagnosis of a spectrum disorder . The discussions I had with my psychotherapist helped me realise why I am single ,
I could not compromise my routine as it helps me through the day .
I thought most people here were single - there's at least a mix as I've seen some other posts with a similar topic as yours only recently.
I'm happy to share a bit of my story with you. Hope this helps.
I'm married and I didn't meet my partner until I was mid-30s. I had never even lived with a partner before - relationships never got to that stage and I probably helped keep them at a distance subconsciously. I think this is what helped precipitate my realisation that I'm autistic as I couldn't understand why it was so hard to cope with the changes. Home life isn't always easy, and I have some big fears and triggers that mean I want both of us to stick to MY strict routines on things that don't seem logical from the outside. I'm grateful my partner has been able to give me time to work through these as it has been a few years of seeking non-autism-focused support and things haven't shifted. I'm now thinking a lot of the cause is because I don't really understand people's intentions - they have to be spelled out to me AND I need to be able to use logic to analyse the situation to check it's the truth. I've known my partner a while now, so it's frustrating that I'm still not sure about this and still feel that fear of spontaneous, unplanned, unpredictable things happening.
I believe my partner is neurodivergent, but not autistc. Based on my previous friendships, too, many were also neurodivergent people. There has probably been a mix, especially because I'd spent my life forcing myself to be and act normal (yet failing).
I don't think autistic people are only matched with other neurodivergent people, though. You only need to meet someone who is okay for you to keep to your routines, and not get in the way of that. I think I probably mix better with other neurodivergent people because I love learning, diving deep into subjects and I would rather avoid too many superficial things like chit chat, fashion, etc.
As for how I met my partner - well, that's no different to any relationship story. We both had serious reasons to write off meeting someone new at the time, but found each other by chance through shared work interests and originally connected only to chat about that. We did not live near each other, which meant we didn't have any in person dates for months. We had to get to know each other through written messages, which apparently, was exactly what worked for us. I don't think we'd have even dated if we met in person and dated in person at the start!
The future is uncertain, especially now I realise I'm on the spectrum. I don't have as much control over my needs and fears as I thought I did. But then again all relationships are uncertain - that's the hardest part about them. Each day I check and make my peace that I'm doing the best I can to be healthy, well, show up as the best person I can be, etc. I cannot do more than my best, neither of us can. I continue to seek support, though, and thankfully, I love personal development so this is a joy to keep learning about myself, growing and therefore, gaining resilience, even if it's just a little bit, it's better than none.
Thank You , I ask as when i was in the post diagnosis group the majority of people were married (80%) or have a S/O or a partner .
That's fascinating to hear. I wouldn't have expected that. I feel the chances of me being in a relationship, let alone married, is 1 in a million!!
I wonder what the stats are for all autistic people. A post diagnosis group may only appeal to those who are in a relationship, for example, and be too overwhelming for those who aren't (for any reason).
Or, maybe, being in a relationship positively correlates with late/adult diagnoses? If I wasn't in a relationship, I may have gone more decades without knowing I'm autistic. But I have no idea about other people...
I'm just pondering and thinking out loud here. I am surprised as you can probably tell! :)
Thanks for sharing this. Sounds like a positive experience. I haven't had the opportunity to join one of these yet. The idea of groups for anything leaves me terrified, to be honest! But I will be more open to this should I get the chance...
I imagine that the less autistic you are, the more likely you are to be in a relationship. The more autistic you are, the more likely you to be single. I've no evidence for this, it's pure speculation based on gut feeling.
The group leader was very honest and i could of had the sessions on my own but choose the group. It was the strangest day i've had in my life , To be in a room where you know you all have the same condition was the first time in my life I belonged to something with all in the group saying the same thing in the chat room afterwards