Published on 12, July, 2020
Dear Lovely Peeps,
Has anyone ever experienced autistic catatonia or sever shut down? If so, if you are prepared to talk about it, I'd like to hear. What brought it on? What did that look and feel like? How did you get out of it?
I'm a bit worried about me just now.
My mind is busy, oh so busy, on just one thing the up coming assessment and coping with the sensory and medical stuff in the meantime with a functioning alcoholic husband, who loves me to bits but is oblivious to what I need by way of support. I tell him but it's in one ear and out the other. It's the booze, not a lack of love, I know.
I am working from home and normally love my job, but concentration on that is very, very difficult just now. I long for some annual leave to sort out the mess my husband makes of the place (he is chaos personified, I have a typical autistic need for absolute cleanliness and order to function) and then engage with some of my interests to make me feel better.
But when I take leave, I struggle to get out of bed. I start to make a move but then feel completely overwhelmed by the size of the tasks in front of me and have to sit down again. My body has barely moved from the house in 18 months. In my head I tell my self I'll do this and do that and try to have a life, but then find myself just sitting and rocking in the corner or playing a bubble pop game on my phone over and over - I'm not even trying to win, just watch the bubbles pop. There are days when I'm barely able to get out of my dressing gown and into the bath. I put the TV on and can't follow the plot of whatever's on.
I have been through a couple of deeply traumatic experiences over the past couple of years. But I just seem to pick myself up from one thing, to be hit by another.
I don't want to be like this. And it isn't normal for me. I'm usually an active person. I want to be giving work what work deserves and doing the things I like in a perfectly ordered house. But I can't get going with the most basic things. I can bearly be bothered to eat. This has been really bad for the past 6 months.
I might just be torturing myself for no good reason, but this doesn't feel like depression. I'm concerned I'm going into some sort of state of involuntary inertia.
I've been intermittently in much the same boat for twenty years now. In my case it is because I have a partner who I love, but is not wired up to help me with the things that would make me productive, unlike the last one who was able to help me get much work and income.
A couple of things that I find helpful when I am in that state, are:
1. Helping someone else or even another creature out of their problems. (Other peoples problems can often be easier to help with than your own, and a win, is a win, even if you don't directly benefit from your actions).
2. When I am feeling really low, I will set myself to a simple task that I know I can complete well, such as cleaning, or washing, and do it until I don't want to any more or until it is done. I treat myself as my own servant, and whilst I try to be a kind master, I also try and keep myself moving...
I'm sure you will get some better quality replies and help than this, but it is a start...
I Sperg i sent u a fren request
Thank you.
Nice to know I'm not the only one.
The cleaning and washing thing is a big one for me. For decades I've done all of that. I raised a kid alone on top of a FT job - not complaining. It goes with the terrain.
Then living with my husband, I thought I wouldn't be in it alone any more...but he's got a problem and the job turned out to he harder than with a kid. Far harder. It got to the point that my choice is live in a permanent pig sty and have the time for the R&R I need but not be able to enjoy any of it because of the mess. Or spend ALL of my time cleaning with no R&R and no interests.
Eventually, I ran into my own trauma's and collapsed into a state of paralysis I can't get out of.
My husband is brilliantly supportive in medical situations, but otherwise just drips mess and dirt every where he goes and won't pick up a damn thing after himself never mind do a fair share about the house. He's not being a sexist pig, he just doesn't either see that it needs to be done or why I want it to be done, so cracks open a can of Stella instead. I can't cope. I can be my own servant, but not his too. The support I'm asking for is only that which should be automatic, without any other problems in the way. But I am beginning to realise, I'm asking for something he can't give.
I need someone to help me off the floor, the mountain is just piling higher on top of me. I've collapsed. My mind is running like the wind but my body just literally can't move any more. And it's starting to scare me.