Published on 12, July, 2020
By the time I was 13 years old I knew that I would forever be alone--- no spouse, no "girlfriends," no hope for romance, and no hope for love. This was obvious because I knew I was the only orange monkey in the monkey cage, and I was brutalized because I was (and am) "strange."
If I were capable of feeling hate I would write "I hate being autistic."
I do, however, utterly detest being autistic: autism has robbed me of my life. Autism took from me the chance of finding a woman who found me worthy of standing by her side, as two equal partners. What autism left for me in exchange was 61 years of a loneliness so suffocating, so ravenous, so crushing of spirit that I longed for death --- only my brother's compassion stayed my hand.
I loathe my inability speak nouns and pronouns when I am talking with people face to face: the Anomic Aphasia kicks in and I struggle to say the names of objects (that includes humans) , nor the names of places. My mind knows the word but I cannot speak it: try having a successful job interview when the evaluator believes you are on drugs--- I sound like I am choking because I am.
I abhor my inability to remember something that I heard mere seconds ago.
I deplore the way I rock side to side when I sit; rock on my feet side to side when standing in line at the grocery store; spinning on my heals to release some of the anxiety I collect when I am among the humans.
A few days ago (Monday June 14, 2021) my councilor (via telephone) told me that I "still have around twenty years left; there is still time to find love." I shivered with dread. I do not want to live another twenty years with painful eyes because I am required to look at people's eyes (it is agony for me). Twenty more years of strangers insisting that I must "shake hands." Twenty more years of strangers calling me by my first name--- as if we were already intimate.
Twenty more years of being macerated in the vicious jaws of loneliness.
It is a wonder that I have not been driven insane. Yet.
Sounds like you feel awful. :( How about meeting other autistic people, as they will understand your differences? As friends and you might also meet a partner. Could start online, with things like social media autism groups.
Thank you for your kind reply. I live and work on a cattle ranch in a remote and isolated part of the Northern New Mexico canyon lands. I have not the time to visit Santa Fe whenever I wish to--- I am one of three people who live here, with the nearest neighbor many miles away.
I have looked at some forums where autism is discussed, and this site appears to be the best.
*Waves from one state away* Most of the online "resources" I've discovered are thinly veiled attempts to fundraise with little interest in actually helping anyone on the spectrum.
I ate a tomato when I was six years old, then was diagnosed autistic.
Actually, I have drawn that conclusion; on a personal level. Whenever I was a baby, I received the MMR jab. Then, thirty years ago - aged twelve, my diagnosis was Asperger's Syndrome.
A fine example of "Give to us money because autism!" is Auti$m $peaks. The cult started by claiming vaccines cause autism; the cult now begs for money in the name of "autism research."
Yeah, they do talk so much about "help" don't they? We need to find ways to help our selves..
Preferably nice and kind ones.